Help me...

I know it's probably bad form to barge into a forum with your problems but unfortunately this one presents itself and I'm running out of time to think about it.

I've been with my girlfriend for about four and a half years and we own a house together. Generally speaking, life isn't exactly bad - it's all pretty cushy, apart from one thing.

For four and a half years I've been subject to her paranoia and distrust, and things have only recently begun to get better. There's been a couple of lapses, and the most recent one was last Wednesday when I *shock* gave a girl from work my MSN address.

I had a week off work last week and pretty much spent the entirety of it just sat thinking about things... I've come out the other end of it resenting her - since then I've barely been able to bring myself to talk to her... it's almost like four and a half years of resent and anger coming out in one big grump.

Normally my plan of action to this would be to let it pass for a week or two and then have a big heart-to-heart.

The thing is, the very same happened two months ago.

So I'm kinda stuck. I have an otherwise cushy life with someone I'm quickly growing to dislike.

Am I mad to give this up? Am I mad to want to start right back at the beginning of "life" as it were, having already got past some of the hardest obstacles?

Help me... I'm lost...

You can't really have a good relationship with someone who doesn't trust you.

You own a house with your girlfriend? Yikes, dude.

Also, people that are suspicious when you don't give them any reason to be are usually doing something distrustful themselves.

Good luck.

I find it impossible to live with really jealous types. If you've been together a while and you have given her no reason to distrust you, perhaps it's best you part ways. It ain't gonna get any better.

It came along at the right price at the right time in the right place. I'd still rather be in this quandry than living with my parents

Thank you. I have a feeling that I'll need it.

welll i think since you had these heart to hearts before and they havent worked then its not going to change now...you cant be happy with someone who you know is going to get mad at you...i broke off my engagement because i wasnt happy and it was the best thing i ve don

Have to agree with FM. You can have a frustrating relationship, but not a good one.

I third it. If you want to tough it out, try couples and individual therapy. She's got some obvious issues that need to be dealt with and now you have issues with her. Instead of a "heart to heart", it may be time for a "yell and scream". Sometimes trying to be polite and civil doesn't really draw out the real problems. Trust me, I've been with my wife for 11 years and every once in a long while we end up with the big screaming match.

Done that already, we had one breakup for a couple of months a few years ago and have had the yelling and screaming about five months ago too (at last occurrence).

I am going to disagree w/ you here - or maybe just express it another way ...

things are not going to change until the cost of not changing is greater than whatever fear, insecurity or neurosis is keeping things from changing ...

now it may take threating to end it - and be willing to walk if she is not willing to work on it ,,,

if she wants to stay w/ you more than her fears ... she may surprise you ... you may need to work w/ her and be patient before it is gone forever ...

good luck ...

If you can make her say it and be honest about it, its a great place to start.

But if she doesn't trust you and she can't be honest with you........... well.

Dude, i recently broke up from a 5 year relationship...

She was paranoid and jealous to the extreme...

Being alone and the break up sucks, but in some ways i feel so much better. There isn't the worry of getting a message from a friend or bumping into someone in the street... there isn't the constant worry something is gonna happen i can't control that will lead to fighting.

I feel more alive, its hard, but its gonna be worth it.

Hope that helps

Ok. See I can give you How I see things.. Because I am naturally an Untrusting woman in relationships. This is no fault of my current man, but men in the past who have done horrible things. Cheated etc.... My first instinct is to be jealous and panic and be all in his bussiness because in my head that way I'll be on top of things and less likely to get hurt. (Maybe your girl feels this way) I had to learn to deal with it or else I run the risk of putting the man I love in the position you are now. So to keep it under control I always Stop and breathe and think of how much I love my guy, and how he has given me no reason to distrust him, and I acknowledge that These feelings stem from bad PAST experiences and are not worth ruining or making it hostile in the current realtionship. You have to know to stop and be logical about it. It's and ongoing thing to learn to trust again after so many shitty relationships. I love my man though so I make sure to always think first and not act on the fear impulse. Fear of me being hurt or decieved. Maaaaybe (if you are innocent in the areas of faithfulness blah blah etc...) Just maybe she too has this impulse I have. This fear. But she hasn't realized she can control that by siply slowing down, stepping back and looking at the situation logically and not thinking of what was done to her in the PAST. Maybe you could try to talk to her about this, and not let it turn into yelling. Hope maybe I helped you see a little from her point of view, maybe some things shes not telling you. Whwn theres that much time invested, it's always good to work on it. It may bring you closer. The more hurdles (personal and as a couple) you guys overcome the closer you will be. Hope that help. good luck man.
XoXo
Puddincat

While I agree with you, PuddinCat, on, like, all points there, I do feel there's one thing that should be said. If she's that distrustful and jealous to begin with (even if it is a knee-jerk fear reaction), hearing her man tell her these kind of things isn't likely to help the situation. More likely than not, to her, it'll just sound like someone she doesn't trust trying to get himself out of shit by any means necessary.

Extremely good points, all of them, don't get me wrong. But I think she'd have to hear them from somebody other than the person she already distrusts for that advice to have any effect whatsoever.

This is a wonderful, wonderful post and captures a lot of her personality in this regard. But again. We've already spoken about it in the past, and while a lot of it stems from an old partner of hers who did indeed sleep with a co-worker of hers and also had this horrible tendency to lie about virtually everything.

That didn't work either. She goes to my two best mates when there's a problem (which really, really pisses me off becuase if I want to talk to somebody they already know what's happening - or at least half the story. The half-story that makes it sound like I'm a cunt), and whlie it annoys me, they give her wonderful support which she should go away and act upon.

What she does is just go away.

What it sounds like, then, is that you're with someone that distrusts you, and who isn't willing to make the effort to give you the benefit of the doubt, despite the advice of his two closest mates...

Think on that, and take from it what you will. I hope fortune is on your side.

[Edited on Nov 15, 2005 by CooL_SpoT]

well are you doing anything to make her distrust you? it sounds like not. which means she is the one bringing this huge problem to the table, not you. since you cant change anyone, and youve brought it up before, it doesnt seem very confusing. the only solution to the problem is to end it.
sounds like the only reason youre with her is cause youre with her, know what i mean?

I'm working through some (not entirely irrational) jealousy issues. It's hard and if she is trying to get better about it then that's the best she can do right now. If she's not trying and won't admit that there's a problem with it, then that's much different. You said it's getting better with a few lapses, but that's to be expected if she's working on it. You can't just order someone to not be jealous or paranoid and expect it to change over night.

My vote is: If she's making an honest effort to not overreact to things and you think you could be happy with her then I'd say work on it, but if she isn't even trying then it's never going to get better until she does.

If you're looking for a reason to justify leaving your cushy life and want other people to back you up on it, then you might just want to end it.

Good luck. I hope that was helpful.

hmm...I'm at a loss to tell you what you SHOULD do.

I can tell you what you SHOULDN'T do -

trial seperation.
either stay with her and work it out or break it off. trial seperations only make things worse

Well... If you have discussed everything I spoke about, I really don't know what else to say and that is all i can offer to help on the subject really. Good luck man.

I would say if you want to stay, therapy of some sort would benefit her and maybe even you. I would get her to go alone initially, then maybe you could go as a couple. But that said, you can't make someone go to therapy, they have to want to do it...so hard situation I guess.

If you think it's not worth it, cut your losses. You can't spend you life looking over your shoulder so to speak, worrying about whether something you have done or said will be misconstrued.

Good luck, it's a difficult situation.

Well, she moved out earlier. All her stuff is still here and it's like trying to explain algebra to a wall telling her that this isn't some kind of grace period where she moves out for a week or two and when she comes back everything is magically ok.

Coping reasonably well so far. The only problem I've had was trying to explain to the fish that my girlfriend (ex?) still loves her. She looked all confused as to where my girlfriend had gone. That stung a bit.

Hmmmm.

AWWWW the Fishies?????