Wow, you really let yourself go.

Just out of curiousity, how many of you believe that a marriage should continue even if one partner stops being attractive to the other? Should a man or woman merely accept their partner's increasingly sloppy or bloated figure or is there an unspoken understanding between bride and groom (and/or same sex couples) that each will try to stay as hot as they were when they first got together? Does the perfect marriage consider physical appearance trivial and focus instead on sexy, curvy inner beauty instead?

ducking out of a relationship (or any agreement really) without first trying discussion, compassion, compromise, etc. is chickenshit.

'the perfect marriage' is subjective

Huh. Sex columnist Dan Savage addresses this in his column this week:

While he's joking about using those particular " 'I' statements", his advice is sound.

That'd be a hard discussion to engage. Some of us would rather have our hypothetical spouses disappear in the night than endure having to listen to them tell us Dunkin Donuts has ravaged our once ravishing figues.

And last week's Savage Love was what made me think about this.

[Edited on Nov 07, 2005 by Kid_Dangerbot]

My grandparents managed to stay married despite the fact that they both resemble 5 foot tall prunes.

I was in this predicament a few years ago. I stopped being a vegetarian when I got married, had a baby, basically gained 70 lbs over 6 years. My husband never said anything about my appearance unless pressed, then he would admit that he found me hot when I was thinner. Once I started to lose weight on my own, I began to resent him for not encouraging me to be healthy for us, for the baby, for our sex life.

I would say tell the other person in a very careful manner. You do need to keep up appearances for each other. That shows respect for your partner I think, as well as yourself.

So if you marry some person and two years into an otherwise happy union, your S.O. is walking down Fifth avenue, and gets run over by a runaway fire engine, and is horribly, irrevocably, disfigured and you bail; Doesn't that make you some kind of dick?

On the other hand, you might say, hey Fridge, I'm not talking about a horrible freak occurence. I'm talking about adult onset ugliness, brought about by voracious consumption of Trans-fat and general sloth. Am I still a dick? Yes I think you are. When you make a commitment to someone, you need to really give it a go. That means trying to help the lazy bowl of pudding get better for their ultimate long term health. And so you don't look like the chubby chaser at cocktail parties. So you take them to counseling, you get them a gym membership, you rent the Tae-Bo tapes and do the silly exercises along with your partner. In short, you become Burgess Meredith to your lifemate's Stallone.

This is not an easy thing to endure, surely, and surely part of the reason, I'll die alone. Because I can't really see myself doing stuff like that.

Oddly enough, part of me thinks that you would be justified in leaving someone who has become horribly disfigured if it was that much of a problem for you. Expecting someone to be loyal to you at the expense of their own happiness is just as selfish as leaving someone because they aren't the same person you married (physically, at least). I always figured that the thing that made love so good was the uncertainty of it. If you want someone who'll always be there for you, maybe you're better off getting a dog?

I'm not sure how much of what I just said is what I actually believe. I'm just trying to generate conversation, or something.

Okay you just made my day. This made me giggle to no end.

well if i did truely loved my spouse , I shouldn't care if he/she let themselves go. But when my spouse got old and wrinklely, would I not want to be with him cause he was old? I would be old too. We don't stay young and goodlooking forever. Sure we all want to be with someone attractive. If my spouse let themselves go, I wouldn't leave them. If it bothered me I would dicuss it with them, find some sort of solution.

You know the definition of marriage. Compromise. Everyday isn't going to be sunshine and sausages. Jesus, if this is really the prevailing logic, no wonder ivorce lawyers stay so busy. If I ever start a thread that's all, "I'm Getting Hitched OMG!!!" You have permission to come to Chicago and smack me around.

thank you!

To me, marriage is a gamble, unless you think that "for richer or for poorer; in sickness and in health" does not include "in fatty or in skinny" If you don't like the odds, don't get married.

So what motivates you to stay with the hypothetical person who has changed so much from the person you originally got together with? Do you think love for a person changes to accomodate the changes they undergo over time (such as a change into a less attractive person) or is the love that endures really a sort of loyalty or promise (unspoken or spoken in the form of wedding vows) to the original person you fell in love with?

Or is it something else that I haven't considered?

[Edited on Nov 07, 2005 by Kid_Dangerbot]

Makes note in diary, just in case.

I dunno, if my significant other suddenly gained 50 pounds, I'd be concerned about their health and do everything I could to help them lose the weight if they wanted to.

Is it unreasonable to expect/demand more days with S&S than without?

[Edited on Nov 07, 2005 by Kid_Dangerbot]

i married my husband because i truly love who he is. he is my absolute best friend and i will stick with him through the hard times as well as the good. i could never imagine leaving him during a time of need such as a horribly disfiguring accident or if he happened to put on an enormous amount of weight...that absolutely boggles my mind. we've been together for almost 8 years and we have both changed physically but our love for each other has grown not faltered. i believe this is because we treat love not as just an emotional state but as something you put forth an effort to do, an action. if the issue was weight i would not sit and act as though i was blind but i would confront him and let him know his actions were putting his life at risk and that i was worried.
these are things you consider before you get married and if you do not feel you have the strength to stay with someone because of a physically altering situation you should be honest with that person and maybe think about what you are really willing to endure for the sake of a life partner.

If I was the one who became horribly disfigured...and I really loved the person...I think I'd offer her the easy out.

It's not based merely on appearance, I think. In the case of sudden disfigurement...there's also a host of psychological issues that are going to come up for both parties.

In the case of someone gradually letting themselves go....It comes down to simple communication. If you notice your partner gaining weight at an increased rate...or no longer taking an interest in their personal appearance...the last thing on your mind should be sex drive. The FIRST thing on your mind should be "Gee...something may be wrong with him/her" They may be depressed about something. If you have a long-term, committed relationship...you should notice significant change in their behavior...even if it's gradual weight gain.

I think I would offer the same easy out to my husband if I was the one disfigured just because I would want him to have as full of a life as he possibly could.
However I myself could never see myself taking that road if he was in that situation....that would break my heart.

I you!

Meet me out back in five minutes.

I think that's even more reason to stay. Imagine it happened to you. You become horribly disfigured, and the biggest fear that goes through your mind is, "Noone is ever going to Love me again, noone is ever goint to want me again." And then your spouse basically proves that theory right.

If you love someone enough to marry them, you love their heart and their soul and their mind. You may like their face and their tits, and their ass, but that shit all comes with an expiration date anyway. I think if you leave because they become disfigured in an accident, you never fucking loved them to begin with. Because if you did, your heart wouldn't let you leave them.


Edited three times because I'm a wizard with italics tags.



[Edited on Nov 07, 2005 by FridgeMagnet]

I think that's a lovely way to think...and it's certaily noble...but I don't think you can guarantee you'd feel the same until you were put in the situation..which I sincerely hope never happens.

Honestly...if I were horribly disfigured in an accident...I'd most likely hole up in my apartment and drink myself to death in solitary.