I Got Married Too Young, Now What Do I Do?

Hey everyone.. First time poster here. I know this board is mostly about sex, just so you know most of this has to do with sex so if you think you can lend any good advice or just curious, please read on...

I'm a 20 year old girl who got married at 18. My husband is also my high school sweetheart but I've found that we are just no longer have anything in common.. We both want different things in life. Unfortunately for me, my husband is still madly in love with me.

People change, thats inevitable, and people also grow apart. My dilema is it's not like I can just break up with him - we're MARRIED! I hold marriage very sacred. I'm not the type who will just go "Oops, I made a mistake. Here are some divorce papers.." I truely believe in it. But we've gone to counceling and we talk about several times a week but it still seems hopeless. I'm just no longer in love with him.

The thought of fucking him.. oh god.. I can't even put it into words. It's not that he's unattractive or gross but I've never been able to have sex with someone I wasn't (or atleast thought I was) in love with. Call me old fashioned. It just hollow and unsatisfying. I've been faking it for months now and it's to the point here he knows so I dont even have to pretend to cum - he just gets his nut and I can roll over and get some sleep. Pathetic, huh? I dont get it.. I still turn him on. He still loves me, even though he knows that my heart is drifting. He'll do nice things sometimes like buy me flowers but he hasn't actually tried to work at our marriage. His lack of effort comes from immaturity, something we BOTH are guilty of, hence why we shouldn't be "playing house".

So, why don't I divorce him? Well.. My husband is a soldier in the US Army and very soon he's about to head over to Iraq for a year. The last thing he needs to worry about is his wife wanting a divorce - he's going to war. But is it truely wiser for me to sit on my hands and wait til he comes home to break his heart? I dont even know it I can wait that long.. I tend to be a drama queen, who knows what I'm capable of in 12 months. I just.. I dunno.. I dont know what to do. I've never posted in a board before and I've posted similar entries in my own journal but haven't gotten much help.

Please.. any married people, women or men, or those who are divorced or have found themselves in a similiar situation.. Please, I'm begging, lend me some advice. I dont know what to do. I can't sleep at night. I want to throw up every time he fucks me. I stay up late fantasizing about other women and men via the internet to get my own sexual satisfaction.. I just feel so pathetic and hopeless.

Any help is greatly appreciate.
- Fallen

EDIT: I should have mentioned in greater detail that my husband and I really do talk about these things. If he were to read what I wrote, it wouldn't come as a suprise to him at all (the sexual stuff would break his heart of course, it would to anyone). He knows how I feel.. at least once a week I'm up in the middle of the night arguing and crying and ranting over the slightest comment. He knows I want a divorce. He knows I believe we are not right for each other. He knows I'm no longer sexually attracted to him.. His reponse? He loves me, he'll make it work and if I dont want sex with him, I can have sex with other people. It's like I'm arguing to a wall. He loves me so much it drives me insane. It takes two people to want something like this and right now it's me desperately wanting to be happy again and his desperately holding on to me for dear life.

[Edited on Aug 09, 2005 by Fallen]

EDIT 08/13/2005: Thank you everyone for your comments and great advice. I took everything in and really did some soul searching before talking to my husband. We decided that a seperation while he's in Iraq would be for the best. I made it very clear when I said "seperation" I meant that we both do our best to take care of ourselves and live our lives the way we see fit and NOT to completely cut each other off. If there is a way for us to open lines of communication and establish trust, honestly and loyalty with one another then we may actually have a chance.. but right now, I just need to take care of myself.

I'll be moving back to Sacramento in a few months, once he's in Iraq. It will help me get my head attached to my shoulders. Be around my friends and family and people who speak the same language! I'm sure Germany has contributed to my current case of insanity. I'm actually going back to California next week.. we are going to spend some time apart and I'll talk to my mom about my decision. Nothing final, thats for when he comes home next year. I think this really is the best for everyone... so he can see how serious I am and how close he is to loosing me and also feel free to live out many things he man have felt restrcited from doing when we got married, then is a time for us to see if there is a solid foundation for this marriage and if we can actually get along (around each other and in long distance) and a time for me to level out, get back in school full time and hopefully release the party girl thats been bottled in for the past 9 months.

Thanks again for all your advice.. it really, really meant a lot! XOXO

[Edited on Aug 13, 2005 by Fallen]

Sounds like he already knows something's up. Have you tried counseling on your own? Because no matter how much you tell yourself you value marriage, it doesn't sound like you even want to try now.

his life/career decisions will be considerate of his marriage and he needs to know _right away_ that he's planning his future as a single man, especially before he goes off into the next stages of his army career. so i'd tell him right away. It's not at all fair to let him go on making his life decisions based on being married when in fact he may not go on being married at all. if you are making decisions based on second guessing him it's unfair and controlling and you need to level with him right away so he can decide what to do for himself

You need to have a serious conversation with him. Clearly, there's a communication problem in your marriage. You've tried counseling...and you feel it's not working...that should tell you something. What does your husband say? Is the counseling helping him?

You shouldn't hide behind circumstances to avoid making hard decisions. You say You can't just give up in your marriage because you hold it sacred...but you;ve gone to counseling...and you say that you feel physically ill when you have sex with your husband. That's not just tossing up your hands and saying "I quit"

Second...you say you can't get divorced because he's in the military. You can't use that as an excuse. He has to know something isn't right in your marriage. Maybe he's afraid to admit it...but he HAS to know that something's wrong...I mean...you're going to counseling.

It sounds like what you may need is some time apart...maybe a separation.

Yea, we've done the couples counceling and I'm debating on whether or not I want to see one on my own (I see councelors when I was younger and really dont want to go down that route again but will probably eventually).

You're right. I have given up. Emotionally and physically. I'm exhausted. It's not so much a question of the act itself because we just dont work together, there is a woman out there thats missing out on loving this amazing guy and that woman ISN'T me. The question is when. When is it appropriate for me to break the heart of this man whose done nothing but love me? I wish I could return it but it's not there.

He knows about my feelings on divorce. If he where to read what I just posted it wouldn't come to surprise to him at all (he would just be hurt to read about the sex. What man wouldn't) but he is determined to make things work. It hurts my heart to see how much faith he has in me.. I know what it is to be in love with someone and not have that love returned and now I'm at the oppisite end of that.

But you're right.. I need to be more blunt and really prepare him for how things will be in the future.

Don't stay in an unhealthy situation you hate. You're just prolonging the pain.

Why value a marriage that has nothing valuable in it? Commitment and tradition are nice, but they're not meant to make you miserable. I agree with the other people who say you should get a divorce as soon as possible for the sake of the both of you. You put in an honest effort to fix things, but it seems hopeless and things'll only get worse the longer you put it off.

Then it seems like you already know the answer. The sooner the better.

A seperation may be a good idea. I should have mentioned it above, maybe I'll edit it so it DOES say it but he knows how I feel. He wouldn't at all be surprised if he were to read this post, which he just very well might. I may be uncounsciously hiding behind these things.. its not that I can't get a divorce because he's in the military, it's that he's going off to Iraq and he's already dealing with a lot of emotional termoil about that, I dont want to it if there is more I can do about this problem.

he somehow needs to read this post....

I have and it's not the case. He is actually still in love with me. Tells me everyday.. and it breaks my heart because I know he deserves better. He wants to make this work so bad and I've been trying, too. Just sometimes (like tonight) I just feel like giving up.

Word.

I'm going on the example of my parents. They were miserable for each other, and by the time they figured it out they had three kids and a lovely mess to untangle in the divorce. If it isn't working, and it isn't going to work, then get out.

You're twenty. You've got eighty years of life left in you, and if you don't want to spend that time with this guy then you don't have to. It's the 90's, no one is going to look down on you for getting a divorce.

I can "suck it up" for a period of time. I know a divorce is in the cards for us but I dont want to do this to him just weeks before he gets deployed. It just doesn't seem right now me.

... and staying married isn't an option. I know I'm heading in the direction of getting a divorce. He's not the man I want to have kids with or buy a house with or even sleep in the same bed with. I want to get this over with as soon as he gets home from downrange so something horrible doesn't happen (ie: getting prego)

I hope it's not the 90's, that means I can't look at p0rn still!

But I hear you.. I dont want to get stuck in a situation like that. It's not so much "if" im going through with it but "when"

Do you think it's right to divorce a man whose going to war?

THANKS EVERYONE for your words of encouragement and support. I know what I have to do, still not sure about when to do it. I dont know if I can live with myself divorcing a man before he goes off to war. It's my own fault for putting it off for so long.. But I do know what I have to do. I'm just going to have to sleep on the rest.

Thanks again for the blunt, straight forward comments.. I really needed to hear it.

XOXO

[Edited on Aug 09, 2005 by Fallen]

Did you and Sherman get in the Way Back Machine?

Maybe you should tell him that you want a divorce and let him decide if that would be too horrible for him before he goes to war. Maybe it won't hurt him as bad as you think. I hope everything works out for you! This sounds like a really tough situation.

Get it over with, you seem to know where your heart is. As a former sailor in the Canadian navy and someone who has been dumped by e-mail while in the middle of the Pacific; I can say that nothing would be worse than to spend a year risking your ass in a futile war then coming home and immediately having your heart broken. Tell him now before he goes. He will have the support of all the other men in his regiment to get him through it. Besides; the sooner you get it over with, the sooner the both of you can pick up the pieces and get on with your lives.

Is he actually still in love with you or does he just like being married and having someone around?

Divorce him and do it now. Waiting is the worse thing you can do. Get a divorce, get over it, and get on with your life. I waited WAY too long to file for divorce. Not getting a divorce years earlier was the worse mistake of my life. Even worse than getting married in the first place. I've been divorced for 6 months and seperated for a year and a half, and I'm the happiest I've been in about 9 years. I get angry when I think of all those wasted years. But I'm just glad I'm finally got out of it and have a whole new life.