Just Talking, Not Hitting On You

There's a bunch of stuff that guys do that is often taken as code for "Hey, how you doin'?". That's probably fair enough, a lot of guys are sketchy and are just talking to people to hit on them.

But what about the guys who are just chatting to, not chatting up, women? Is there a code phrase that they can use to re-assure people that they're not on the pull?

Yeah...it's called "I'm not acting creepy and fawning over everything you say...I'm just having a conversation and I'm not going to ask for your phone number afterwards. Furthermore, this conversation will not be innuendo-laden, will contain a bare minimum of double entendre and any flirting will be collateral. I'm really just having a conversation"

No. For the following reason:

Say we decided that the phrase was... oh... I don't know... 'Banana Hammock'. This would work fine until some enterprising sleaze decided to use the magic of Banana Hammock to reassure a young lady that he was not, in fact, a sleaze thus allowing him to practice his sleaze upon her. Thus the magic of banana hammock is ruined.

In practice I find that the best way to go about these things is to not discount the idea of chatting up anyone but not count on it either. I don't know someone I've just met, and knowing that I wouldn't *immediately* want to even make out with someone I hadn't even spoken to yet I can often tell if a girl is on the level or a bit of a nutter. HINT: The nutters just think *any* man who is talking to them clearly wants to jump them from second one. There is also the rare (read:common in my case) occurrence that a girl despite not being a nutter and being someone you'd like to talk to just finds you really dull.

But there's the catch. What's the difference between just having a conversation, and just having a conversation and asking for the number afterwards?

And I don't imagine any guy acting creepy, fawning over everything a girl says, etc, is going to have any luck chatting up most of the women I know.

If I talked to someone, and it was a conversation where I was really glad that the person didn't want to talk to me again afterwards... I would feel relief. But if I did and they just left... I would feel pretty goddamned crappy.

Your coded signal is that you find all these girls really fucking dull. And just because you enjoy a conversation with someone does not mean you want to sleep with them just because they're of the sex you find appealing. Or at least it doesn't in my case. Maybe I'm doing it wrong...

but what if you want to be friends with said girl?
do you say something like. "you know you're pretty cool. i don't have many girl friends that i can talk to easily like this. would you like to hang out sometime?"
or would that make the girl think you wanted her?
i can see the quandry.

If you want to be friends...your demeanor will reflect your desire for platonic companionship. You won't lean in for that goodnight kiss. You won't let them catch you staring at them just a little too long. You won't do all of those cutesy little things to let the other person know that you're interested.

If they don't get the hint...you can tell them "look, I really enjoy our friendship but I don't want it to be romantic". If they get it and are cool with it...what a great friend you just made. If they can't handle it...at least now you know.

It seems really simple to me.

That actually seems overly complicated.

My buddy Kramer wears a ring when he's out of town just to pull women.

The magic of banana hammock can never fade.




Even so, I think you (D_Z) should be more worried about context than any silly codewords. For instance, don't go to sleazy bars if what you're looking for good conversation, you know? Also, maybe once you actually talk you'd change your mind about "pursuing" someone. How would you take it back? That'd be more awkward.

[Edited on Aug 03, 2005 by pygmy]

That could work. I usually casually mention my girlfriend and that seems to break the "I'm not hitting on you" ice.. Though I concede this may not work if you do not in fact have a girlfriend.

Okay, I know I'm not supposed to spread this around, but if you get your Secret Singles Decoder Ring and match up Q, 21, the color blue, and the little picture of the armadillo doing Tequilla shots you'll be able to decode the 'I'm talking to you because I want to be friends' phrase.

Ah, secret codes are not needed. It's usually pretty obvious by the topic of conversation and body language what someone's intentions are....I think.

Besides, telling a girl what you do for a living, and then suddenly yanking at your ear, while hopping on one foot and repeating,"ABC....zebras!!" Will only scare her away.

Be Sure To Drink Your Ovaltine

I think the nature of the conversation and the way it's conducted will eventually tell both people what, if anything, is trying to happen. This isn't always clear in the first few minutes, but girls (or guys, for that matter) who blow you off immediately because they think you might be hustling them probably aren't worth talking with -- whether you're trying to put the moves on 'em or not. They're scared pups. I'd say move on.

This is a good point and something that I hadn't thought about.

Also, I'm totally going to buy a fake ring.

True.

However, it doesn't necessarily mean a guy is hitting on you if he looks at your tits.

Sometimes the look just happens.

For the record, having to worry about the issues covered here doesn't make a guy's job in either case any easier.

i just stoped talking to people...that way i'm not a creep and no one is offended. I do better being quiet and to myself anyway.

It must be rough for girls to be in between a banana hammock and a hard place.

I don't really have a girlfriend. I was just saying that so you wouldn't think I was hitting on you.

Which I basically am right now.