"Just Being Yourself" - Yay or Nay

Let me preface this tread why what are probably some misconceptions about the regular posters to the sex boards (and SG.com) in general. It seems to me about seventy-five percent of you confortable with where you are in your sexual life and have very few hang ups about sex and/or love. Correct me if I’m wrong but it appears to me that for a lot of you, it requires little effort to approach some one you’re attracted to and ask him/her out.

I, on the other hand, have not much success with woman. Whenever I ask someone with more experience than me for a heads-up, they always give the same snatch of advice: “Dude, just be yourself. Don’t be someone you’re not.” Well, that’s all good and dandy, except I’ve been getting the same bit ever since my first patch of armpit hair and it has never done me a lick of good. Obviously, I must be doing something wrong by “being myself”. When I tell them that, it’s usually followed by them retorting, “Well dude, you just have to be wait and eventually the right person will come along.” The thing is I thought women were attracted to confidence and that strike me as the worst, passive you can give someone who has esteem issues.

To me the very opposite appears to hold true when it comes to matters of dating. Instead of “just being yourself” wouldn’t make more sense for someone to project a image that the person he/she likes would be attracted to? And instead of waiting passively wouldn’t it be more productive to attack aggressively?

I hope I don’t come as envious of those better off than me or asking for advice. I’m genuinely curious. Is “just being yourself “ and it’s ilk the golden rules of dating or smug, cliched homilies?

Well... you should just "be yourself". If you're acting as someone else it give the person you're interested in a false impression of you. They probably won't be thrilled if they become interested in that and you turn out to be something different.

And I'm usually scared shitless to talk to girls. I just got really lucky.

Be yourself doesn't neccessarily mean you can't improve upon yourself. It just means don't be a total phony or act in a way that is contradictory to who you truly are because that'll probably make you seem even more awkward than usual. Not to mention relationships shouldn't be founded upon DECEIT!!!!.

There are tons of things you can do to improve yourself and, more importantly, give you the confidence you need. I don't know, new clothes or a haircut or some shit. Work out a little more. Unless you're dedicated to total slobbiness, I don't think doing any of these things'll interfere with the whole being yourself agenda. It will probably make you seem a little more radiant and improve your posture, though.

[Edited on Aug 01, 2005 by robosagogo]

Confidence isn't necessarily walking up to women you don't know to strike up a conversation. It is ok to be shy. Confidence shouldn't be looked at as how you feel about the way other people view you. It is how you feel about yourself. It is about loving yourself, and being comfortable in your own skin. After that, the rest will fall into line.

You can't be worried about every little thing, or worried about being rejected.

Like robosagogo was saying, you can change things without changing who you are as a person.

Be yourself. Who the fuck else are you going to be?!

[Edited on Jul 31, 2005 by Sinistar]

Be yourself typically means "Be your best self". There's no harm in dressing up, in prepping your best banter, or in keeping some of the sketchier bits of yourself from showing their ugly faces right away.

Being your best self means trying to be confident, putting on your good plumage, and getting out there in the middle of things.

And really, being patient doesn't mean just sitting back. It just means you need to recognize that success isn't instant - even at your best, there will be people you just won't click with, even if everything seems to say that you should.

And finally, I wouldn't worry too much about most of the posts on this board. There are lots of confident people here, but this particular forum also seems to attract a lot of boasting (which is kind of to be expected, and not really a bad thing)- people mostly put their best foot forward here too, so the ratio of "I rock" to "Maybe I suck" is more than a bit skewed.

[Edited on Jul 31, 2005 by PatrickY]

Well; I was in a similiar boat a few years back so here is some slightly amended advice which I have to figureo ut for myself:

Just be yourself, relax and enjoy life. If this isn't working, try to figure out what you are doing wrong and change it. I don't mean "put up a front" either; I mean work to fundementally change that aspect of yourself. But, here is the important thing, if you do decide to go down that road(and it ain't easy) you need to work to change yourself FOR yourself, not for anyone in particular.

Example: When I first came to college I was nervous, shy, overweight and needy. Much of this seemed to stem from lack of self-esteem, actually. And so, one day, I made the decision to start working out and go to the gym. I then followed through on this promise to myself. At the same time, realizing that shyness was a problem, I began FORCING myself to hang out with people in the dorms and talk to others(I hadn't been a shy child, I had developed it as I got older, so I thought I could get back to my older self if I tried). I didn't do any of this for a single girl; I did this because I couldn't stand the state I was in any longer and I wanted to improve.

Oddly enough; rather than being shy these days, I am now often told I talk to much. You just can't make some people happy

well said

i generally find things work out best for me when i put on a mask of someone more attractive than me, strap on a tight gurdle to hide my obesity, and talk in a deep manyly voice, telling them im an airline pilot who loves to vacation in tahiti. and then pull out large wads of bills to show of my exuberant wealth. i get laid a few times a night. though i have never had an honest relationship in my life. but who needs one i mean right?

Yes, it's as I've always said, being yourself won't help you get girls, all it does is insure that if you do actually get a girl, she'll be liking the real you.

I think the main reason that so many people get along with me is because I simply be myself. I'm not afraid to do or say what I feel (unless it's love-related - I'm such a shy bastard). I could care less whether people think I'm weird or not, though, so I just do or say whatever's on my mind.

being yourself just means when they don't like you, they REALLY don't like you



[Edited on Aug 01, 2005 by KMFCM]

Nay, not at first anyway, but I'm really, really, weird and definitely an acquired taste; kinda like capers, anchovies or Marmite.

"just be yourself" will lead almost everytime into "I just want to be friends".

My experiance is although most girls say they don't want a guy who plays games, what they mean is they don't want a guy who plays HIS OWN games, but you still have to play THE GIRLS game.
If you are a nice easy going guy, great, be that guy....once you have the girl "on the hook"
(I know I am not going to be popular with all this)

A girl doesn't want a guy she can get easily (if she has any self-esteem at all)- so you need to play their game. If you meet a girl at a bar/party, you talk for a few minutes, then ignore her. she will love that you are not slobbering all over her and being the "friendly guy". Disagree with her in a non-confrontational way, when she is talking, listen, but get distracted and excuse yourself. she will follow you to prove to herself she can get you....
now she's after you, and she's "on the hook"- NOW, you keep being the guy who is aloof, uninterested, but also the real you...funny, smart, what the fuck ever- the "be yourself" part.....
she has now satisfied her ego by getting you to talk to her, and she wants to make you want her....don't....just "be yourself" but keep that "I don't really care if your here or not" aura. she will stay around you, find out the good parts of you and then be genuinely interested, and still feel like "she won" by getting you interested while the whole while it was you who was interested in her.

Also, if she tries the touching, flirty thing...don't be drawn in, pretend it is having no affect...she'll try harder, then when she's getting mad you aren't drooling all over her, YOU take control...her clothes should be on the floor at your place in as long as it takes you to get there.

Good luck

If you're being yourself and no one's interested, chances are... you're not interesting. But that's okay, it just means you need to work on it. Put all your belongings into storage and hitchike the country for a month or so. You'll come back a much more interesting person.

Be yourself only if you are awesome. are you awesome?

sorry, I had to go and get a mop there, because I just pissed myself laughing at this.

No kidding. Heh.

"Either kill me or take me as I am, because Ill be damned if I ever change... - The Marquis de Sade"

the funniest part of this, for me: knowing beckricci IRL, and imagining him following this dude's "advice".

Chicks dig liars.

See, funny thing is, in real life, I'm a little over three feet tall with a squeaky high voice and no self confidence.

But online, I'm a bear man, with big fucking claws.

Rowrr!

"Ogres have liars!"

Did I hear that line right? That's why chicks dig ogres, anyway.