Post your favorite dirty joke

What happens when you cross a donkey with an onion?

Most of the time, you just get an onion with long ears and a tail. But sometimes, you get an ass that brings tears to your eyes.

What did the leper say to the prostitute?

my best gay boyfriend gave me this one....


Why did the gay guy get out of the fire first?


because his shit was already packed.

hey that is from an afroman song.

but still fuckin funny.

In a small suburban neighborhood right before Christmas, the garbagemen are picking up the trash. There are two guys picking up the trash and the driver of the truck. As they pull up in front of one house where a hot, young housewife lives, she comes outside and motions one of the guys inside.

He goes inside and she says, "You guys have always done a great job and Christmas is just a few days away... " as she takes off her robe and is completely naked. She begins kissing him and within a few minutes she's on top of him, fucking him. After he climaxes, she says "merry christmas! You can send in the other guy who picks up the trash."

He thanks her and heads back outside and tells his fellow garbagemen the amazing story and tells the other guy that she told him to go inside. He heads inside with a big smile on his face.

When he comes back out he is beaming and tells the driver that it's his turn. The driver parks the truck and says "This is the best Christmas ever!" and slaps hands with his buddies before heading into the house.
The driver heads inside and sees the young, lady standing there with her robe hanging open. She looks at him and says "You guys have always done a great job and my husband I appreciate it."
"Well, thank you ma'am." he replies, trying to contain his anticipation.
She then picks up her purse and takes out $20 and hands it to him. "Merry Christmas" she says.

The driver stands there perplexed for a moment and then says "It's not that I don't appreciate the money, ma'am but... well, I really would rather have what the other two guys got."

"Ohhh, I'm really sorry," she explains "but my husband was very specific when I asked him what we should do for you guys for Christmas. He told me: Give the driver 20 bucks. Fuck the other two guys."

I didn't feel like reading all 6 pages, so excuse me if this has been shared already.

An American businesman travels to Japan to make negotiations with some Japanese businesmen. The night before he was supposed to go golfing with these Japanese men, he decides he wants to experience a real Japanese prostitute. One comes up and they begin having sex. Things get wild and she starts to call out this particular Japanese term. He doesn't know what it means, but she's screaming it so hard and she's writhing around so much he figures it must mean "good job" or something along those lines.

The next day, he's playing golf with the Japanese businesmen. One of them skillfully sinks the ball in and, to show off his newfound Japanese language skills, he yells out the term he used the prostitute yelling. The Japanese man turns to him with a confused expression and says "Wrong hole? What do you mean, wrong hole?"

I don't know why this cracks me up so much, but I think it's just hearing the punchline in a fake Japanese accent.

I have always liked this one:

What do you call a German tampon?




A twatsticka


hehe

What's the good thing?


How big your dick looks in the Polaroids.

Two midgets go to a whorehouse and are put in rooms right next to each other. The first midget can not get his dick up. He's jerking on it, the prostitute is doing all she can, and she just cannot get it going. But he can hear his buddy in the next room tearing that ass up. THUMP THUMP BOOM THUMP THUMP BOOM. First midget goes outside and waits for his friend. When the second midget gets done he comes outside and the first midget says "Man, I just had to pay for that whore and I couldn't even get my dick hard" Second midget says "Fuck you man I couldn't even get on the BED"

Three rottweilers are sitting at the vet's and begin talking about why they're there. The first says, "A burglar broke into my owner's house so I caught him and bit his leg off. I've been brought here to get put down". The second says, "I was out walking with my owner and someone tried to mug him so I attacked him and bit his arm off. I've been brought here to get put down". The third dog says, "I walked into the bathroom and saw my owner's wife bending over the tub naked so I jumped on her and fucked her from behind." The first dog turns to him and says, "Hoy shit, you're getting put down for that?" to which the third replies, "Nah, I'm just here to get my claws clipped."

A farmer and his wife get into a fight one night, and the farmer storms out of the house. A few minutes later, he returns with a sheep under his arm. He goes up to his wife and yells "This is the Pig I've Been Fucking!" "You Idiot", says the wife, "that's a sheep, not a Pig!" The Farmer Scowls at his wife and replies "Shut up Bitch, I wasn't talking to you!"

A woman is enjoying a good game of golf with her girlfriends one day
recently. "Oh, No! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He's
going to be really ticked if it's not ready on time."

When she gets home, she realizes she doesn't have enough time to go to the
supermarket, and all she has in the cupboard is a wilted lettuce leaf, an
egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opens the can of cat food,
stirs in the egg and garnishes it with the lettuce leaf just as her
husband is pulling up.

She greets her husband and then watches in horror as he sits down to his
dinner. To her surprise, the husband is really enjoying his dinner.
"Darling, this the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of
marriage. You can make this for me any old day... Needless to say, every
golf day from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish.

She told her golf partners about it and they were all horrified.

"You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed.

Two months later, her husband died.

The women were sitting around when one of them said,"You killed him! We
told you that feeding him that cat food! every week would do him in! How
can you just sit there so calmly knowing you murdered your husband?"

The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him -- he was licking his ass
and fell off the window sill."

A 17 year-old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period
for two months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the chemist and buys a
pregnancy test.

The test is positive.

Shouting, swearing, crying, the Mother says,

"Who was the bastard that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a
mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in
an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in
the living room with the father and the mother, and the girl and tells them:

"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I
can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take
charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her
life.

Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail
stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a

$4,000,000 bank account.

If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a
hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,

"You fuck her again..."

A magician worked on a cruise ship.
The audience was different each week so the magician did the
same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the
shows each week and began to understand how the magician
did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the
show, "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the
flowers under the table!" or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace
of spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after
all, the captain's parrot.

Then one stormy night on the ocean, the ship unfortunately
sank, drowning almost all who were on board.

The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in
the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... with the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.

This went on for a day... and then 2 days ... and then 3 days ..

Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any
longer and said ...... "OK, I give up. You got me this time...Where's the f___in' ship?"

Gotta get a parrot joke in.

I fucking love this joke.

Whats grosser than gross?
Ten Dead babies in a trash can...

Whats grosser than that?
One dead baby in TEN trash cans.. Bada BING!

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Alright... now a story..

Two friends are dragging through the desert, obviously starving and dying of thirst. They come across a small hut in the middle of said desert (one window, one door, that sorta thing). The two men are overcome with joy and race for the door.

After banging relentlessly, a woman comes to the door; the most grotesque woman they have ever seen. Eye patch, scabs everywhere, and the subtle crawling sound of crabs. YOu can guess where. Nevertheless they ask desparately for water and maybe some food.

She says that they can have all the water and food they want, but only on the condition they satisfy her sexually. Naturally the men are repulsed, but one bravely swallows his pride and agrees. As he steps in, he notices a plate FULL of succulent corn-on-the-cob, and gets an idea.

He tells the woman he'll only make love to her with her eyes closed, for that is his kink. She agrees, salivating over the anticipation. With her eyes shut, the man grabs an ear of corn off the plate and proceeds to fuck her relentlessly, giving her orgasm after orgasm, until he fakes a few moans and quickly throws the corn out the window.

She opens her eyes, quite satisfied, and grants his request for water and food. She calls for the next man, who barges in with a smile on his face. Before she can prepare for the next sexual encounter, the second man stopped her. He said simply, "I don't care about the water, I just want some more of that BUTTERED CORN!"

hehehe.... Gross...

A guy and a girl meet at a bar.
They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.
A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.
He then takes off his trousers and washes his hands again.
The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."
The guy, surprised, says "Yes....how did you figure that out?"
"Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands."

One thing led to another and they make love.
After they are done, the girl says, "You must be a really good dentist."
The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Well yes, I'm a good dentist.
How did you figure that out?"
"Didn't feel a thing!"

During a good manners and etiquette class,
the teacher says to her students,
"If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family,
and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet,
what would you say to her?"
Little Mikey replies, "Wait a minute, I'm going for a piss."
The teacher says, "That would be very rude and improper on your part."
Little Timmy replied, "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in a minute."
The teacher says, "That's much better
but to mention the word "toilet" during a meal, is unpleasant.
So Little Johnny says, "My dear, please excuse me for a moment.
I have to go shake hands with a personal friend
whom I hope to be able to introduce to you after dinner."

This one mildly qualifies, but it's my favourite. Told to me by my friend's dad.

This scientist works in his cloning lab and makes a stunning breakthrough...he's able to create a clone of himself!

The only problem is, the clone is flawed...he keeps making rude comments, lewd gestures...he's horrible. The original scientist, unable to take it anymore, takes the clone out to a cliff, and after a quick look to see if anyone's watching, pushes the clone off it.

The scientist figures he's in the clear and heads back home. As soon as he arrives though, he hears a knock on the door. Nervously, he goes to answer...

He sees two police officers standing there. "Dr. McGillicudy," one says, "You're under arrest."

The doctor stammers out, "What's the charge, officer?"

The police officer sighs and says, "We're placing you under arrest for making an obscene clone fall."

[Edited on Jun 09, 2006 by Vauxhall]

a parapalegic pedophile in a wheelchair was being pushed by a little kid through the woods and the little kid looks at him and asks: how much farther are we going i'm getting tired.
the pedophile looked at him and said: what are you complaining about, i got to make it all the way back myself.

what blue and squirms in the corner?
a baby in a baggy.
what's green and sits in the corner?
same baby two weeks later.

what's blue and never fits?
a dead epileptic...

why do doctors always have hot water when they are helping to give birth?
caus if the baby's born dead, they can make soup..

yum a dum dum...

Another Michael Jackson joke:

Why did Michael Jackson put cheese on the end of his cock?
Becuase kids'll do anything for the taste of Dairylea.

(That probably only works in the UK)

Hahaha this has been my mum's favorite joke since I told it to her about 5 years ago! So good. It is also the only joke I can always remember.

Here are two of my favourites.




What's the best part about fucking a twelve year old in the shower?

A man is walking along the beach when he comes across a little boy; staring out to sea and crying. He kneels next to the little boy and asks him what's wrong. The little boy replies "My mother was going for a swim when the undertow got her, she got swept out to sea and my father dived in to save her and got eaten by a shark, now both my parents are dead!"

The man stands up and looks at the boy. He then unzips his pants and says "Wow kid, this just isn't your day."

Q. What's the difference between oral sex & anal sex?
A . Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak!