Post your favorite dirty joke

We all have heard a favorite * dirty joke * whether the joke is just a lil smudge or down and right filthy .... post it up.

Teacher asked, "Kenny what is your problem?"

Kenny answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the
third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the
third
grade too!"

The teacher had enough. She took Kenny to the principal's office. While
Kenny waited outside the office, the teacher explained to the principal
what
the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy
a
test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back
to
the first-grade and behave. The teacher agreed.

Kenny was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he
agreed
to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Kenny: "9"

Principal: "What! is 6 x 6?"

Kenny: "36"

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade
should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her,

"I think Kenny can go to the third-grade."



The teacher says to the principal,

"Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Kenny both agree.

Teacher: "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Kenny: "Legs"

Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" (The
principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!)

Kenny: "Pockets"

Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Kenny: "Pants"

Teacher: "What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval,
delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?" (The principal's eyes open
really wide and before he could stop the answer...)

Kenny: "Coconut"

Teacher: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

Kenny: "Bubblegum"

Teacher: "What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a
dog
do on three legs?"


Kenny: "Shake hands"

Teacher: "Now I will ask some 'Who am I? sort of questions, okay?"

Kenny: "Yup"

Teacher: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up.
I
get wet before you do"

Kenny: "Tent"

Teacher: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me ! when you're bored.
The
best man always has me first" (The principal was looking restless and
bit
tense)

Kenny: "Wedding Ring"

Teacher: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you
blow me,
you feel good"

Kenny: "Nose"

Teacher: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a
quiver"

Kenny: "Arrow"

Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot
of
excitement?"

Kenny: "Firetruck"

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,

"Put his ass in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong
myself."

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the
station when he notices a little girl next door in a
little red wagon with little ladders hung off the
sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl is wearing a fire fighters helmet. The wagon
is being pulled by her dog and her cat. The fire
fighter walked over to take a closer look. "That sure
is a nice fire truck" the fire fighter says with
admiration. "Thanks" the girl says. The fire fighter
looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied
the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cats
testicles. "Little partner" the fire fighter says, "I
don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you
were to tie that rope around the cat's collar too, I
think you could go faster." The little girl replies
thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I
wouldn't have a siren."

A chicken and a horse are best friends on a farm. One day, when the farmer is far away in the fields, the horse falls into a sinkhole. "Save me chicken!" yells the horse, and the chicken fetches the farmer's fancy sports car and a tow rope, and pulls the horse out.

The next week, the farmer has driven into town, and this time chicken falls into a sinkhole! "Save me horse!" screams chicken, and horse straddles the sinkhole, and says "grab on!", and the chicken grabs onto the horse's manhood, and is pulled to safety.

Moral of the story: you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks if you're hung like a horse.

Just bumping my own thread...purely for egotistical reasons

A man falls in the mud.

Potty mouth!

Pinocchio has just turned 16 years old and Geppetto thinks to himself: "Just now my son is going to take an interest in girls, I had better explain to him about the birds and the bees."

So he spends time telling Pinocchio about girls and making love. Pinocchio listens intently and then goes off to experiment.

Some time later, Geppetto sees his son and asks, "How's it going with the girls?"

Pinocchio replies, "Great, I'm doing fine, except that all the girls are complaining about splinters."

"Oh dear," says his father, "All I can suggest is that you smooth things over first with some sandpaper."

Some time later he sees his son and asks, "How's it going with the girls?"

"Who needs girls when you've got sandpaper?!?"

What do Micheal Jackson and Caviar have in common?




The both come on small crackers.

What is the difference between Neil Armstrong, and Michael Jackson?........





Neil Armstrong was the first man to walk on the moon and Michael Jackson fucks little boys.

What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?

One is made of plastic and is hazardous to small children.
The other is used to carry food home from the supermarket.

What does michael jackson like best about twenty-six year olds?






There's twenty of them!!


My favorite just wrong joke:
What do you get when you put a knife into a baby?

An erection.

Old but good...

There was this lady and she really wanted to have sex, but she was to scared to ask her husband so she went to a gypsy and told her her problem.

The gypsy rummaged around in a chest and pulled out a pickle jar with a penis in it, and said "All you have to do is open the jar and say 'Pickle penis my vigina' and it will start having sex with you".

So later she tries out the pickle penis and it works great. That is until her husband walks in and he shouts "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT" and the woman says "It's a pickled penis"

Unfortunately her husband replied "PICKLE PENIS MY ASS"

</rimshot>

[must be told in an irish or scottish accents. it's totally and unequivically required]

You see that barn over there?

I built that barn with me bare hands.

With me blood me sweat n' me tears.

You think they call me Johannes the barn builder!?

Noo...


You see that gate over there?

I built that gate with me bare hans.

With me blood me sweat n' me tears.

You think they call me Johannes the gate builder!?

Noo...

BUT YA FUCK ONE GOAT!









And you're Johannes the goat fucker.

For life!

What does the Neverland ranch have in common with K-Mart?





Little boys pants, half off.

Q: why do fat women give good head?


A: they have to!

This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine.
The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive."

The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?"

The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed.

"Well," the doctor continued, "Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing."

The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly.

Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.

"How did it go?" the doctor asked.

"Terrible, doctor, terrible."

"Did it not work?"

"Yes," the old lady said, "It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years."

"Then what is the problem, ma'am?"

"Well," she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again."

hehehe ive heard it before and I think you did a damn good job of re-telling it

A little girl and her mother were walking through the park when they came upon two teenagers having sex on a bench.

The little girl said "Mummy, what are they doing?”

The mother, at a loss for words quickly replied "Ummm - they're making cakes!".

The next day they went to the zoo and the girl saw two monkeys humping away. She asked her mother if the monkeys were making cakes as well.

"Yes dear, making cakes", mother replied

The next morning the girl ran into the kitchen exclaiming, "Mummy! Mummy! You and Daddy were making cakes in the den last night, weren't you?”

Shocked, the Mother asked, "What gave you that idea"?

"Because I licked the icing off the sofa"

hahah I like this one

A customer goes to a big icecream stand. Not sure of what he wants he reads the menue board. After getting about 3/4 the way through it, he exclaimes to the employee "There is a misprint on your board; one of your flavors spells pussy"
The employee reassures the customer thats not a misprint but one of their most popular flavors. The customer says "ok, i'll try it! Give me three scoops" The employees smiles, hands him his icecream and says his usuall "enjoy" The customer takes a huge lick SLUUUUUUUURP spits it out and yells "This stuff tastes like shit" The employee calmy replies "Take smaller licks"

What's brown and sticky?





A stick!