Female Orgasm

I just had an argument with someone... a misunderstanding, really. He was confused when I told him I don't usually have simultaneous orgasms during sex... in fact I usually don't have orgasms during sex at all. His reaction:

"I was going to ask you if you think you aren't havign orgasms because maybe the guys you are with aren't doing what they need to do to get you off or you think that there is some fault with your hardware?"

WTF??? Fault with my hardware??? I was a little offended, to say the least. Is there something wrong with me because I don't focus on the orgasm as the purpose of sex? He said something about "maybe I need a woman", which I think is also missing the point.

"if your orgasms aren't important to you then why should they be important to your partner. And if they don't matter to your partner then you are headed to sexual frustration land."

??? Again, this is disconnected from my point. Sex is not dependent on an orgasm. Maybe it is more so for guys? I don't know. I only know what works for me.

Tell me there are other people in the world who understand that sex isn't just an orgasm. Or perhaps someone else can clarify his point if I'm missing something?

i agree with you... sometimes i just want to have an orgasm yes..

but a lot of other times its about getting there.. and how damn good that feels. there have been so many times i've not gotten off all the way.. by choice.. doesnt mean i'm not satisfied or happy.

that person is just a lame ass. having blinders and just focusing on an orgasm misses so many of the awesome parts about sex.

I'll third that.

I think men and women are just wired differently. I remember it was kind of a mind-blower when I learned that some (many?) women felt that way.

if sex is seen by one as some kind of release.. i guess YOU GOTTA CUM!
if sex is a wonderful experience we can get all hot around and get aware of ourselves thru, then, not so much about orgasim, (is that sp right?) i'll stick with CUM!
anyway, i appreciate your feeling on it, if i got it right
de

I'm just gonna chime in, here, and say that I'm a guy who's not soley focused on my own or her orgasm. They're just not always the point, and they're not always gonna happen. Some of the most intimate moments I've experienced have been the result of long, slow lovemaking - just happy, deep and genuine. Orgasm wan't the point (sometimes she came, sometimes me, sometimes we, other times neither of us). Once we had thoroughly communicated our love and affection for one another, we would just kinda drift off in eachother's arms - sometimes while I was still inside her. It was beautiful.
To me, your problem, in some ways (not all, of course) speaks to both someone's capacity for intimacy as well as some of the nuances between lovemaking and fucking.
At least, that's what I've taken away from the couple of relationships I truly cherish.
These days, I rarely bother with people who can't make that distinction (rarely).

I am a male rarity. I get more out of satisfying my partner than I do satisfying myself. Therefore, I dont feel as though I have satisfied my partner if she doesnt have her orgasm. This actually was one of the main reasons for my leaving my last major relationship. She didnt feel comfortable with releasing herself completely durring sex and therefore we never formed a real tight sexual bond. But she had bad trust issues that were just over the top anyway so that wasnt the only reason for the breakup. I understand completely what you are saying about its not always the orgasm so much as it is the process of getting there.

Agent Whillenholly : No the clit is real. Its the female orgasm that's the myth.

[Edited on Sep 14, 2004 by Akira]

NEWSFLASH: You're not a male rarity.

I totally agree with you. I find sex the most amazing and beautiful thing in the world. Quite frankly i could care a less if i orgasm or not because it is the emotions involved that make sex so great. Besides it feels incredible even if you don't orgasm. it is just an indescribable feeling when you are having sex and u look your man in the eyes and theres this awesome connection...... if sex is something you do just to get off i feel sad for you

Here's my take. I may not know what I'm talking about, but here's a possible explanation of the other side.

Sex isn't technically about orgasms, it's about reproduction. But unless you're trying to get pregnant, then it is about orgasms, specifically, mutual orgasms. Cuddling isn't, giving head isn't, making out isn't. Sex involves the genitals of both parties because that's what's required for each of them to get off. If one party isn't working for that goal, it's no different from giving head. Yeah, you might enjoy it, but it's more like a concession, not really a "shared experience".

The things about sex and orgasm in a relationship is, it's about opening yourself up. When you're having an orgasm, for that brief moment, you're in a different state of mind. Less aware of your surroundings, vulnerable, unable to control yourself. Just watch your face in the mirror when you cum, it's embarrassing. If one person's going there and the other isn't, it's like dropping acid while sitting next to a sober person. You're vulnerable, they're not.

Yes, there's trust and vulnerability in sex even before an orgasm, but there's no change in your state of consciousness. I imagine it's extremely frustrating for the other person if you're not working for it. It's like you're humoring them, letting them screw you to keep them happy or something. I know it's not actually like that, but you can't blame a person for feeling insecure. Prostitutes and porn stars aren't paid to care about their own orgasms. I'm not calling anyone here that, just saying that he might not be feeling the intimacy if it seems like it's a favor and he's the only one getting anything definable out of it.

also... nice take dingoes-8, "it's like taking acid sitting next to a sober person".
sweeet!

sorry, "dropping".

THANK YOU!!!!

[Edited on Sep 14, 2004 by dragoneye]

[Edited on Sep 14, 2004 by dragoneye]

I don't think that's really a rarity... I have encountered men like you before. I find it frustrating, because what if I'm past the point where I can have an orgasm? Then I just feel like you're trying too hard, and I feel inadequate because I can't make you happy by coming. And isn't sex supposed to be mutual? I've discovered recently that I don't enjoy oral sex as much as I used to. Sure, I have super orgasms, but connection-wise, what's the point? It's like masturbating with someone's face. Not very personal. I'd rather have someone in my arms, someone who is receiving as much pleasure as I am. (Sixty-nine with a woman works very well, I recently discovered!)

i also think society tells us that if the man doesn't bring the female to orgasm, he is a failure. sex has become more about the pursuit of getting off than what it really is, a spiritual connection between people, men and women in varying combinations, that, fortunately, feels really good. the orgasm is a happy by-product.

Thank you, that is an excellent reply. Exactly what I was looking for!

Honestly, I'd like to have a simultaneous orgasm every time, but I don't think it's possible and I don't feel bad about that. If it happens every once in a while, it makes it all the more special.

Goob, out of curiosity, when you are taking a long road trip, which do you care about more? Getting there as fast as possible, or having fun during the trip.

It's a good thing you ladies don't care about having orgasms because you probably aren't having them even when you think you are. Mounting scientific evidence is leading us closer and closer to the conclusion that the female orgasm has more physiological similarities to the male orgasm than previously thought - if you aren't ejaculating you aren't having a proper orgasm.

And here I thought I'd make a good lover because I have some knowledge about the female body and a desire to make a girl come at least once in any prospective sexual encounter; if you ladies don't care, though, I'll happily go back to being a selfish fuck.

[Edited on Sep 14, 2004 by OnlyOblivion]

It's a misconception.

I think you know the answer to that one! Let's see... this year I drove to New Orleans in January and then to Key West in May. Key word: drove. Took the long way there, too. Both times.

A proper orgasm? Is that like having one during tea time with the Queen?

Close; it means extending the pinky.