So, I have a dilemma. About 2 and a half years ago, one of my best guy friends and I went from being just friends to friends with benefits. And, like these things usually go, I now really really like him. I know he likes me too (cuz he's told me) but I would have thought that by now we'd be official or something. I mean, we have sex, cuddle, he pays for meals, holds my hand in the car, puts his arm around me when we're out and will even sometimes kiss me in public (if he's had enough to drink, lol). He's told me before that he doesn't think that me and him would work as a couple cuz he'd "do something to piss me off and it would end badly," but it's been probably about a year since the topic has come up and things have been going pretty great between us for a while. So, I don't want to mess things up by mentioning it. I just can't seem to get him to commit. He's also never had a gf before, was a virgin until I took his "man cherry", and doesn't have any potential crushes lined up, so I just don't get it. Does anyone have any thoughts on the situation? But please no "he's just not that into you." I've read the book. lol
Pretty_In_Ink42 said:
will even sometimes kiss me in public (if he's had enough to drink, lol).
He will never be your boyfriend. I don't know what his issue is but he's never going to give the relationship the status you want. If what you want is a boyfriend, you should stop sleeping with this dude and look for someone else. It's impossible to be open to a real relationship if you are mixed up with a fuck buddy you have feelings for.
I have been in almost exactly the same situation so I know whereof I speak.
Pretty_In_Ink42 said:
will even sometimes kiss me in public (if he's had enough to drink, lol).
He will never be your boyfriend. I don't know what his issue is but he's never going to give the relationship the status you want. If what you want is a boyfriend, you should stop sleeping with this dude and look for someone else. It's impossible to be open to a real relationship if you are mixed up with a fuck buddy you have feelings for.
I have been in almost exactly the same situation so I know whereof I speak.
This may be a "Boy's POV/Girl's POV" thing. There is a good chance that he sees himself as your boyfriend, but is afraid of the commitment that comes with the label. On the other hand, without the label, you are unable to see him as your boyfriend, but you are wanting the commitment that comes with the same label that he is frightened of.
Coyotemike said:
This may be a "Boy's POV/Girl's POV" thing. There is a good chance that he sees himself as your boyfriend, but is afraid of the commitment that comes with the label. On the other hand, without the label, you are unable to see him as your boyfriend, but you are wanting the commitment that comes with the same label that he is frightened of.
As for what to do? Not a fucking clue.
Seriously. We're only getting a single perspective here, and at this point our advice is based on conjecture. Whether or not he kisses you in public can be indicative of commitment issues (as can the reluctance to, you know, commit), or it could be something else (not everyone is a fan of PDA, regardless of how passionately they may feel about their partner), and the rest sounds fairly tame. What stands out the most is his inexperience with relationships and intimacy, and, because he doesn't sound entirely reluctant, that may provide some foundation for his remaining hesitation.
This is a conversation that you need to have with him and not strangers on a porn site. We may be experienced with relationships, some more than others, but we are not experts when it comes to you and him. Either he's not being entirely honest with you or he's just intimidated by the prospect of being in an actual relationship. He's already going through most of the steps, though he's not comfortable admitting it.
Right now, though, it sounds like you guys already have something. Is there something else you expect to happen once he ventures to say that he is your boyfriend, or do you just want the label? Likewise, is there anything that he would expect out of your relationship in order for him to consider making it official?
Again, this is a serious conversation that you need to have with him. Anything we have to offer, our opinions or suggestions, should always take a backseat to your own.
In response to various questions and assumptions...
He is totally not a fan of PDA, so the fact that he'll put his arm around me and/or kiss me is definitely something.
I really don't think he'd let me put my finger in his butt. And that's also a place I wouldn't want my finger to be. haha
I don't *need* to have a bf/gf label, but most people just assume we are dating based on how we act in public and stuff and it's weird having to correct them. And I don't want to just say that we're bf/gf to make it easier when we both didn't agree on that subject.
One thought I had as to why he might not want to "commit" is cuz he may think I'll get the wrong idea and assume that then I'll expect him to marry me and have kids. In a perfect world, that'd be great. But I'm totally cool with just being a couple without worrying what might happen in the future. In all honesty, I doubt I'll end up marrying anyone. But that's not the topic at hand here. lol
Pretty_In_Ink42 said:
In response to various questions and assumptions...
He is totally not a fan of PDA, so the fact that he'll put his arm around me and/or kiss me is definitely something.
I really don't think he'd let me put my finger in his butt. And that's also a place I wouldn't want my finger to be. haha
I don't *need* to have a bf/gf label, but most people just assume we are dating based on how we act in public and stuff and it's weird having to correct them. And I don't want to just say that we're bf/gf to make it easier when we both didn't agree on that subject.
One thought I had as to why he might not want to "commit" is cuz he may think I'll get the wrong idea and assume that then I'll expect him to marry me and have kids. In a perfect world, that'd be great. But I'm totally cool with just being a couple without worrying what might happen in the future. In all honesty, I doubt I'll end up marrying anyone. But that's not the topic at hand here. lol
Now comes the real question: Why do you care what other people think about or call your relationship with him? If other people assume something, that is their problem, not yours.
Pretty_In_Ink42 said:
In response to various questions and assumptions...
He is totally not a fan of PDA, so the fact that he'll put his arm around me and/or kiss me is definitely something.
I really don't think he'd let me put my finger in his butt. And that's also a place I wouldn't want my finger to be. haha
I don't *need* to have a bf/gf label, but most people just assume we are dating based on how we act in public and stuff and it's weird having to correct them. And I don't want to just say that we're bf/gf to make it easier when we both didn't agree on that subject.
One thought I had as to why he might not want to "commit" is cuz he may think I'll get the wrong idea and assume that then I'll expect him to marry me and have kids. In a perfect world, that'd be great. But I'm totally cool with just being a couple without worrying what might happen in the future. In all honesty, I doubt I'll end up marrying anyone. But that's not the topic at hand here. lol
Now comes the real question: Why do you care what other people think about or call your relationship with him? If other people assume something, that is their problem, not yours.
are you happy in the situation?
because thats all that matters really. like coyotemike says why do you care what other people think?
from what i can see you dont care about labels but seem to want one so that there is no awkwardness with friends
its tough but if it was me i'd simply ask him what he wanted out of this and give him a straight answer for what i wanted and if his idea didn't meet mine i'd be out of there. if all you want is a fuck buddy then well done-you seem to have one, if you want to take it further then one of you will need to man up with the question.
Yes, the main question is whether or not you are happy with the situation. If you want to feel more committed and certain, that is okay - but if he is not able to commit even to the label of boyfriend/ girlfriend, then this is not going to work. You don't need to be able to figure out why he feels weird about commitment. Just talk to him about it. If you can't have a simple discussion about the state of the union, as it were, then you won't be able to have a real relationship with him beyond FWB.
In my experience, if a dude is totally happy not nailing things down and just keeping it casual with no labels, he is probably not interested in a serious relationship.
Thistle said:
Yes, the main question is whether or not you are happy with the situation. If you want to feel more committed and certain, that is okay - but if he is not able to commit even to the label of boyfriend/ girlfriend, then this is not going to work. You don't need to be able to figure out why he feels weird about commitment. Just talk to him about it. If you can't have a simple discussion about the state of the union, as it were, then you won't be able to have a real relationship with him beyond FWB.
In my experience, if a dude is totally happy not nailing things down and just keeping it casual with no labels, he is probably not interested in a serious relationship.
This.
How are you two again? Probably too young to know if you want to stay long term. Sorry but this isn't going to work out for you. He'll be happy getting everything he wants until something else comes along. Then oops, he's gone because you weren't in a committed relationship.
He's having a fine time not having to be a real bf since you are letting him.
If you're ok with it, then fine. But it's not ever going to be more if he doesn't want to commit after a year of being with you.
If you can deal with it just remaining friendship with benefits, fine. You seem to want more out of it, so just tell him directly that you want it to be a real relationship. All he can do is say no.
Pretty_In_Ink42 said:
One thought I had as to why he might not want to "commit" is cuz he may think I'll get the wrong idea and assume that then I'll expect him to marry me and have kids. In a perfect world, that'd be great. But I'm totally cool with just being a couple without worrying what might happen in the future. In all honesty, I doubt I'll end up marrying anyone. But that's not the topic at hand here. lol
Like many others have noted, we're all guessing/surmising based on the limited info at hand. You fundamentally need to resolve all of this between the two of you. I think many of the comments so far have been very insightful and constructive and hope they've given you some suggestions.
I would add that when I read this, the above kind of scenario occurred to me. This is a guy who's lost his virginity in his 20s (based on the info supplied thus far). This is quite possibly a guy who doesn't know what a relationship is or how to deal with being in one. He doesn't know the terrain or the terminology, and he's happy to be getting regular sex from someone he likes hanging out with.
Again -- this is conjecture on my part.
But (i) if I'm right and (ii) if you want the deal more firmly sewn up (yes, you are bf/gf, and no, it doesn't mean marriage and kids in the next year), then it might involve you being firm and laying it all out with him. It's the candid conversation others have advocated, but it requires you taking some control.
And again, if I'm right, the follow-up will involve him having to grow up a bit, into an adult male who isn't driven by fear or anxiety, nor one who lets you take control in all situations.
BrandyJoy
Mississauga, ON
May 2010
MAY 07, 2010 09:41 PM