What to do when your other is in a amateur porno on the net?

Okay. What do you do when the other you are seeing openly for the last year, together when you can be, calling when you can't has a secret? Specifically in 2 weeks they will be flying to visit/stay with you for 3 months and you happen to come accross 2 amatuer porn videos of them on the net under an alias but after some carefully scrutinizing you have 100% confirmation it is them? What is the etiquite on this? Do You wait for them to hopefully bring it up to get it out of the way? Do you mention that you know, not judging because you look at porn when you are away, but you know? Do you bury your head in the sand and hope you can forget, but you never can and it just goes away? Because the relationship has real potential and you don't want to throw it away over something from their past, but this thing is out there now and when you saw it, you felt like vomiting because you had been hit in the gut. Not that you thought they were a virgin when you met but you can pretend it is and has been only you until you talk about it or it is staring you in the face.

If the relationship has real potential and you don't want to throw it away, wait for her to come over and then wait for a time when you're both relaxed and opening up and say "hey I think I saw you in a porn vid on the internet - what is the story with that?" Be nice about it, it's got nothing to do with you. See what she says. Then you can decide if it's something you can deal with or not. No need to vomit or be mean.

(I say "her" assuming it's a woman. I could be wrong, but I hate when people say "they" when talking about one person.)

And expect her to get defensive right away. I don't know about you, but when people get defensive I usually have to stop myself form getting accusatory, even if I never intended to be. You know, make sure she understands that you still think she's a good person and not some kind of terrible harlot.

And you don't find it, in some way, a little bit enjoyable to watch?


Serious advice: take a breather, take off for 2 days if you have to. Just don't take it out on her!!
You know you weren't dating a virgin... Now you have visual proof. That's it... Now relax!

Then discuss why it hasen't been discussed before... And for the love of god, bring it lightly, and ask IF IT'S HER!!

I understand people have sex. I have sex. It is a she and she has sex. True, it has nothing to do with me and it wasn't even that wild. Both times it was with the same guy, basic fellatio and vaginal intercourse. No bells and whistles. But the thing is I have now seen her doing things that she does to me, to someone else. I do not want to mention it to her because if I mention it and she goes into denial, I will be angered mentally that she has lied to me. I would prefer she brings it up just as a heads up, like hey this thing happened but it is in the past. That would help me get past it, but what are the odds of her doing that, 2%? As for the the vomiting. As I saw it, I went from she's hot, to hey that looks like, to no it can't be her, to maybe, to no, to wait let's compare pictures. All of the while this vomiting feeling was slowly creeping into my body and I am not hung up on sex. I'm freaky like Rick James, but when you see the one you are into doing that it is like whoa!

I don't need to ask, I know it is her. Same ink, same piercing, same shirt she wore out with me one time and I have in a picture. It is her. I am not going to take it out on her. I won't yell, I won't curse, I won't fight. I would just be greatly disappointed.

Copied from my most recent blog -

"In a more than slightly ironic turn of events, I just had a very length discussion about the moral... qualms of being with someone who was either a stripper or a porn star. My friend was falling for a former porn star and he was talking to me, wondering if it was 'alright' or not. Personally, I have no problem with former porn stars... actually I am way more bothered by strippers than I am with pornograph....ees? I don't know the lingo, sue me(I'll say Graphees). Here me out. This is what I told him.

"The porno business to me, is just a safe way of being promiscuous. Now I could off the top of my head and list a good 8-9 women who are being promiscuous and sleeping around just because they love sex, but isn't that a little... cheap? I mean, if I was going to be sleeping around, I would love to at least be paid for it. *nods* Whereas strippers, pretty much all that they want is the attention; someone to look at them and give them money"

. The ones who I know who are strippers are actually FAR more promiscuous and unfaithful in relationships than the Graphees. A Graphee, just shows me, that she loves sex, which is not a problem in the slilghtest, especially to a Nympho With Morals(Henceforth to be referred to as an NWM, because it sounds fun to say) like myself. It's actually can be used as a beneficial tool, I informed him, because he can watch and see what she does like/does not like way beforehand, before encountering first hand the never-good-to-hear "Ow" of something that another girl liked. It's elementary. It can be helpful. If you don't look at it as educational in a sense, think of it this way. Would you rather she was a virgin? Hell. No. In my experience, virgins tend to become... painfully psychotic post penal penetration. Yay for alliteration. That is all."



In short, if you are okay with it, make sure you come out in the open with it in a comfortable way, or it will just slowly eat at you over time. *nods* If you are not comfortable with it, then the relationship has no future. My friend confronted the person about it, how he felt about it, and all went well because he was able to talk about it.

Understood. But you're gonna have to bring it up, it doesn't seem realistically possible not to at this point.

So if it's a given that you're gonna bring up something so volatile, the thing you want to do is avoid doing it wrong - meaning you think later about how you handled it and say, "Oh I guess I was kind of an asshole the way I handled that".

On the contrary, no matter how she handles it, you want to be able to look back on it and say, "well, at least I wasn't an asshole about it".

So err on the side of humorous, non-confrontational acceptance. Then listen to her and then decide if you still want to see her. If she lies about it, you probably won't. All the time remember that you want to be able to look back on it in the future and be happy with the way you handled it.

She didn't do it while she was with you, so what are so hung up about? More to the point, why is it any of your business at all?

What about it disappoints you? What she did before she started dating you is none of your business except in the sense that you should be aware of her sexual history for pregnancy/STD prevention purposes. You absolutely have ZERO right to any information beyond that.

She probably took some dirty videos with an ex. Then the ex probably got greedy and started posting them online without her permission. I would bring it up to her to make sure that A) she knows about videos of her appearing on the net and B) she's not (you hope) still seeing him.

I can understand feeling a little grossed out about it and shocked. But you have no right to be upset at her for it. None. She didn't do this "to" you. She did this, it happened, and it's over. She's seeing you now. If you can't get over it, it's 100% on you.

EXACTLY.

It isn't your business, what she did in the past. The only reason you should even mention it to her, if anything, is to let her know it isn't a problem, and won't be in your relationship, SHOULD you even have one.

How do I know she didn't do it in the last year? We haven't been tied to the hip all of this time. I was away from her twice in the last year, once for 4 months and now the last 6 weeks. We are open leading to exclusivity but we're not there yet. And it wouldn't be an issue if I didn't know. But now I do. I understand the sky is blue, water is wet and women have secrets, but this is kinda of a big secret to have.

If you are open, you have no right to be upset. This is not a big secret to have. You acknowledged yourself that you knew she had sex.

It sounds to me that you're just not able to handle having long distance open relationships. Grow up, suck it up and get over it. It has nothing to do with you, my friend. Nothing.

I do not believe she was in a relationship with hm because he has a website with multiple girls (20+) and is charging membership fees to join and watch the videos.

I acknowledge, I knew she had sex before me.

From what I can tell from your few posts here, you should definitely not talk to her about it unless you plan on ending the relationship over it, because you are probably going to say something you shouldn't and seriously piss her off. Unless she was doing some fucked up shit in the video like stabbing babies and fucking the holes with a strap on, who cares? If you are okay with the fact that she has had sex before, what difference does it make if there was a camera in the room a few of those times?

Yeah. That's a totally different story. That doesn't sound like "amateur" to me. I'd ask to see what was up about that.

You do realize where you are at right now, right? A website with a ton of naked tattooed women, that you paid to go to. Technically, soft porn. Most of these women are bisexual or lesbian, so this is a pretty open atmosphere.

And you're complaining about something that may have happened before your time on a website that seems pretty shady?

You even being here should at least signify you're open about sexuality, if you aren't enough to talk to her about it with a mature level of confidence, then you aren't mature enough to be able to be in a relationship with someone who had a different past than yourself.

I do not believe I will bring it up. I was just trying to see if someone else had been thru this and determine the protocol for a situation like this. She was probably paid for this. I said amatuer meaning there probably are no DVD's being sold or rented. To me that is amatuer. I just wish I never found the videos. And now that I have, I wish that she would just acknowledge it so that we can move on. Because personally, I don't think I have the right to question her about this, because she is not my wife or my daughter. The images are just seared into my memory.

That's pretty cool. Nice work, Morgan.

See, I don't know if I'm a perv or what, but I've found movies of friends online doing some pretty hardcore porn, and I'm always really, really stoked when I do. Because few things are better than porn involving someone you know.

How does that not sound like "amateur?" To be sure it's amateur or not you would have to watch it. I have a friend who runs a site that IS amateur pornography. It's a site one has to pay for and he happens to be the guy in most of the videos. Some are girl on girl but for most everything with a guy, HE is the guy in them. The girls all sign contracts, get tested, etc. I know this for a fact.

Also, I can't find anything but paranoia in your reasoning behind why this disappoints you. If it bothers or worries you then you definitely should talk to her. In fact, that's really the only option short of just cutting her of which, if she's as important to you as she seems, cutting her off doesn't seem like much of an option. If she's comfortable enough to do pornography then she's likely comfortable talking about it with someone she cares about. Bring it up kindly, of course. Ask EVERYTHING you need/want to ask and get it out there. And do it as soon as you can. I would do it before she comes out, personally, but that's just me.

I don't, personally, see why it matters that she has done pornography before. It's a lot safer than stripping as Strobe said. And he would know. Not because he has done porn but because the girl he loves has.