So this one time I ...

Share your crazy sex stories here... no matter how awesome, bad, weird, twisted, perverted, scary, insane, wild, or unbelievable they may be.

I'll start with a really emberrassing sex story because I want to open things up a little haha.

So this one time I was at a field party and everyone was getting really messy. I ended up drinking myself to an amazingly blacked out state and incidentally had just broke up with my girlfriend days before. I wake up the next morning in the backseat of my car with my pants off still absolutely hammered. I take a step out the door and fall flat on my face in front of everyone else that is already awake. They all laugh at me and ask
"so did you have fun last night?"
"What do you mean?" I asked
"You and Nicole had some fun in the back seat." I got excited because I had met her earlier and she was really hot. I didn't remember shit but patted myself on the back for it. "so yea, you guys started having sex, then you passed out on her and farted so much that she got out of the car and puked."

Even funnier ending to this story... me and Nicole still hook-up every once in awhile haha

yep. stuck a flute right in my pussy. that's what I did.right in there. all the way up to,like, mid flute. the keys tickled.

man, Alyson Hannigan is hot.... i mean, musicians, whoa...

this one time i cut off my penis because no one wanted to fuck me.

hahahahah!

This one time I took the tray into the place of lovemaking..

well last night marge was vacuuming in her good robe, bent down to get underneath the sofa. I figured I can watch bonza anytime...

Hat tip: RudieCantFail

Her boobs felt like... a bag of sand...

Oh man, we had a weekend...
We went to Tijuana, Mexico, you know? And we thought it would be fun, you know, to go to a show. Everybody says you gotta check out one of these shows. And... it's a woman fuckin' a horse. We get there and we think it's gonna be awesome and... it is not as cool as it sounds like it's gonna be. It's kinda gross. You think "A woman fuckin' a horse" and you get there and... it's a woman fucking a horse.

It was really giving it to her. And you know what? To be honest I just felt bad for her, we all just felt bad for her. I felt bad for the horse!

So this one time this happened to my friend, although I'd like to claim it as my own story:

He was hooking up with a girl from our school, first time, super excited about it. They do their thing, and fall asleep at her place on her bed. He starts to feel a fart coming on, so he decided to let it rip. Bad idea, turns out it was one of those sneaky shits. So he splatters all over the bed and the girls back... but she didn't wake up. In a moment of total genius (and being a huge asshole) he decided to smear the shit between her ass cheeks.

Then he got up, took a shower, and wrote her a note that said "That's the grossest thing that's ever happened to me, son't ever call me."

And left the girl sleeping.

The best part, is over the next couple of months after this happened, you would hear both of their stories from different people. It was funny to hear her friends tell it.

Right on, bro. Hella sick tatties.

You know how I know you're gay? You have a rainbow bumper-sticker on your car that says "I love it when *balls* are in my face".

You know how I know you're gay?
Because you macramed yourself a pair of jean shorts.

I mean, that sounds ga- I just want you to know this is like the first conversation of like three conversations that leads to you being gay. Like... there's this and then in a year it's like, "Oh you know, I kinda wanna, ya know, get back out there but I think I like guys" and then there's the big, "Oh I'm I'm a g-gay guy now".

It's not a big deal that you like to fuck guys. I'm cool. I have friends who fuck guys.

In jail.

Cool! I like that, because I know you don't have... chlamydia. I *know* that. I mean that shit is everywhere...

"So this one time, my friend was reading collegehumor.com..."

The most fucked-up part about that was that he wishes he had done it himself.