Once when i was having sex....

I was this girl's "first time" when I was about 25 (and she was 20). She had a multiple...and lost control of her bowels. I spent the next two hours trying to rebuild her shattered psyche through the bathroom door.

oh god i couldnt stop laughing

I came at the height of the theme song for "A Fistful of Dollars". It was rather gratifying.

That is horrifying.

me and my ex we're in his car and going at it like crazy and just has im about to finish he starts talking to my vajj in spanish telling it to eat it all up haha i believe hi exact words were coma te lo todo oh si te gusta haha and other mumble jumble it took so much effort for me to try not to laugh i ended up biting into his arm so hard it drew blood and he cried after that he quit talking to my vajj and i was banned from biting it was hilarious though i didnt know what else to do cuz i had already insulted him a bunch of tmes before like accidentally asking if it was in when it was and answerin my phone in the middle of the happenings and describing his ana arboles to my friends while hes there... i wanted to spare him that night i just couldnt

Yeah it was...and it was totally my fault. I went overboard and pulled out every trick in the book, trying to blow her mind for the first time, because she'd made a big deal about fearing that it would be some painful, uncomfortable experience.
So I swung for the bleachers, but I just wasn't ready for that.
She eventually got to the point where she could laugh about it, thank goodness.

i got a bloody nose and since the lights were out i thought my nose was running or it was just sweat it took like fifteen minutes to realize that she was covered in blood... i got a smack in the face and got to finish in the shower... i liked her

I've never literally fucked the shit out of someone.

When I was 20 I was dating girl who's parents weren't fond of us going into her room with the door closed, side note, this girls was a complete freak and there was no holding her back. So we were going at it in the spooning position (probably the least conspicuous) with the door open, and her mom walks right in and starts talking to us. The best part was that I was in her ass the whole time, I never pulled out. I guess we were kinda asking for it tho.

Ha I forgot another one, this on is far more horrifying. That same girl was giving me head for the first time and she started crying right in the middle. Probably the most awkward I've ever felt.

and it was my first time, a parakeet in the room was whistling the theme song to the andy griffith show...

My ex gf and I were naked on her bed fooling around and she felt a tickle "down there" and she was like "stop tickling me" and I said I wasnt. My hands were on her boobs. It was her brand new kitten she had just brought home that day doing a little "exploring". It was pretty hilarious and we laughed about it all night.

So... one of many "no shit, there I was" stories.

Way back when, I had just gotten out of Marine boot camp and was stationed up at Monterrey for language training.

I was working my way through Air Force girlfriends (since their barracks was right next to the Marine barracks, it was easy pickings) and had hooked up with this hot little redhead for a while. After a night of drinking at a local park, we headed back to her barracks hoping to sneak in and knock out a quickie (or two, or three) real fast. Her roommate wouldn't let us in the window so we ended up going at it in the woods around the side of the building.

She's on top of me riding away when all of a sudden she starts yelling, twisting and contorting all over the place. I'm thinking "good shit!!!" but then I realize there's a friggin' family of raccoons watching us and it looks like Mama raccoon is making off with somebody's purse.

The raccoons start tearing into her purse where they proceed to eat her makeup and whatever breath mints she had stashed in there. We just kinda look at each other, realizing it's a lost cause because her stuff is getting scattered all over the place, so we keep going at it. We ended up finishing and there's an audience of about a dozen raccoons watching us. Some of them were standing up on their hind feet kinda looking like they're trying to figure out what the hell is going on, a couple were up in the trees looking down on us, etc etc. About the time we get done and are getting our shit together so we can get out of there, the raccoons start wandering off into the woods - it's like they know the show is over.

I get back to my barracks, wake up my roommate and try to tell him what happened. "So no shit dude, there I was..." and he doesn't believe me. Geez, story of my life.

The morning of our wedding I slept in because I had stayed up all night cooking the reception food. When it was time, my bride to be came to wake me up with what she hoped to be our last sinfull trist. She was very sweet, full of caresses and kisses, smiling and laughing she gets about three three licks in and in walks her uncle/godfather to read us a poem he found in his Promise Keepers news letter that he thought would be appropriate to share with us. Mood ruined, blow job aborted.

Recently, my lady and I were housesitting for my parents and we decided to christen the living room. After we've already been getting it on and being pretty loud for a while, I get behind her on the floor and start doin' her doggy-style, when all of a sudden their dog runs in from the next room and starts freaking out and barking at her.
She turned her head and barked back.

there's 2 i can think of right now. one being hilarious, the other depressing and fucked up.

the depressing time we were having sex, RIGHT in the middle of the deed, one of our roomates comes smashing on the door. GET UP GET UP CALL AN AMBULANCE!!! and the door-smasher is notorious for being a dick and doing really dumb shit, like crying wolf about serious things. so at first we're like "lolol SHUT UP WE'RE BUSY!" and then he does it again, so i'm like, "hmmm maybe we should actually go see what's up." turns out, our roommates crazy little skankerella slut had drank her weight in alcohol and then taken too much ativan and was practically dead on his bedroom floor...i went in there still naked, half-assedly wrapped in a blanket, and stayed there until the paramedics came and did all this crazy shit to her. after that, i was so NOT in the mood!

and this other time, my boyfriend and i did copious amounts of drinking and made out like schoolchildren in the bowl at the skateboard park. at the park, we were watched by A FUCKING BEAR, for one. a growly, trash-rummaging brown bear. a big motherfucker. as if that wasn't enough, a stinky old bum in a flannel shirt and beard flowing in the breeze came along. after that, decided to stumble home for a good fuck. i don't even know how we were coherent enough to begin doin' it, but let's just say we didn't make it all the way through. in the morning, i woke up with my boyfriend passed the fuck out on top of me, dick still inside. we passed out while fucking. not just like, one of us fell asleep for a moment and was jolted awake with a nice orgasm, but we actually FELL ASLEEP and REMAINED ASLEEP for a couple hours. we laughed our asses off when we realized what happened.

.... and then someone downstairs yelled "fire!"

Once my ex-boyfriend and I were really drunk. He started to go down on me, then came up and said, "I'll be right back." staggered outside, vomited for about ten minutes, had a shower, brushed his teeth, then tried to jump back into bed and start where he had left off like nothing had happened.

I see that this was a while ago, but I would have told her that it is normal - during a delivery doesn't that happen to women, to relieve pressure?

According to one of Coyotemike's Gentleman's Guides in those circumstances he was following proper etiquette

Hahahahahahahahah, that seriously just made my day.

my ex had a bachelor party business. after one daytime party all the girls were pretty fired up and when we got to our place it was just boiling over and me and the three girls got busy in the living room. things are hot and heavy and her father walks in the front door of the house which is IN the living room to tell us that he was there to finish delivering our new shed. on his way home he actually called my ex and left her a VM saying he didn't understand why i didn't help him unload the truck and didn't appreciate it much.

ex had another girl that was partying with us at a pub crawl a friend was throwing. we three get a cab home and my ex is eating her out on the kitchen floor. chick cums and instantly passes out. we tried everything to get her to wake up. yelling, shaking, even pouring water on her. dead to the world out cold. my mother was bringing our son home shortly so our incredibly drunk asses (instead of just putting her on the couch which was 10 feet away and putting a blanket on her, which we didn't think of till the next morning) we decided to carry this chick up a flight of stairs, down the hall, and dump her in our bed. dropping her 3 or 4 times in the process. (again, drunken asses) next morning she comes downstairs complaining of a massive headache and didn't understand because she never got hangovers. my and my ex's ribs hurt we were laughing so hard

shit, i can't believe i forgot this one. next to my bed was a big stack of aluminum that i had for the boat we are building. im in bed with another ex and she's on top, she whips around trying to pull off some dance move while fucking me and cracks her head on the aluminum. she immediately looks at me and goes, "im going to pass out now" and fell on top of me out cold. yes, she knocked herself the fuck out!!!! took me about 5 minutes to get her awake again and got her into the bathroom to put some cold compresses on the back of her neck and she finally started getting her wits about her again, looks at me and goes why am i naked and so fucking horny. she had completely forgotten we were in the middle of having sex. turned out after a half hour or so she remembered everything and was ok, but needless to say the bed was moved. she didn't get out of bed for 2 days after that. oh god the knot on her head, DAMN!!!

still talk to her nearly every day.

Once, my ex was pretending to be the man cause we liked to goof around like that. She was pounding away with nothing and I let rip a huge fart!. She stopped cold, screamed and ran from the room. It took a few shots of tequila for her to laugh about it too. I was dieing, it was so funny.