The ETHICAL SLUT?

Has anyone read "THE ETHICAL SLUT" by Dossie Easton? Its a facinating treatise on polyamory. Depite the fact that it is really geared towards middle-aged women, I learned a lot from it.

So what do you all think, does Polyamory work? I don't mean random threesomes, I'm talkin' open partnerships or mulitple partners.

I do not think there is any reason that it should not other than our cultural taboos agianst it. I find that personally I have a hard time getting over the guilt that I am being too decadent, which I do not even consciously believe.

I dunno, can one person share their love equally? Or are we meant to be single-partner creatures?

the only way i could see polyamory working for me is if i could have little insignificant flings on the side. but i don't think that's really considered polyamory, more like an open relationship. i just don't have the time, energy, or will to conduct more than one relationship at a time. i'd forget who i told what to and they'd all have to hear my stories 20 more times.

I don't think that you can really ask the question "does polyamory" work.... it comes down to the individuals involved.

Having said that however, I do believe that it's more of a challenge in our culture which promotes monogamous relationships.

But it depends, polyamory is defined as 'love of many' or something to that effect. If this were true, then of course it's possible, but if the term is centered on a couple, then you'd have to assume a great 'central' love between them first, for the love of others not to effect this...

just some thoughts....

Something about that phrase made me chuckle.

But I think it's definitely possible. Now, would I do it? Can't say. I've never been in a position that I would have to make that choice. I'm not sure if I could. I get pretty jealous. Maybe I could get over it, I dunno. But I don't think there's anything in us as people that would rule it out.

i loved that book. but i have yet to make it work for me...

my boyfriends all prefer monogamy, for some reason. i've tried opening up my relationships, but it never works out well.

poly seems to work as well as monogamy, at least from what i've seen. not that that's something to brag about, considering 50% of marriages end in divorce.

everybody's gotta be on the same page. if someone's agreeing to the poly lifestyle simply to stay with a poly they are attracted to, well, things are going to get real ugly.

My ex-partner once made an observation about how, when people get hurt through monogamy, nobody ever uses that as an example that monogamy "doesn't work." However, whenever somebody gets hurt through polyamory, many are ready to jump and exclaim how it "doesn't work."

I've had really good luck with polyamory. There are downsides. It is not perfect. The downsides are a bit different from monogamy, though.

For instance, the biggest problem I'm having right now is finding someone who's down with polyamory. Since I'm polyamorous, I don't think it's fair to me or anyone I get involved with for me to pretend to be monogamous.

So many people I know are too jealous for polyamory, and unfortunately, aren't willing to change (it's possible to change, I used to be a really jealous person, but not anymore).

But overall, my experience with polyamory (I interpret it as having a primary partner which allows sexual and emotional expression towards others, to any degree) has been really good. Love is not a zero-sum game, so I feel that limiting your ability to love to one person will only cause resentment.

Circuit

Execellent points Circut.
It is certainly true about the double standard surrounding monogamy vs. polyamory.

It raises an intersting nature vs. nurture question though. On one hand monogamy requires you to surpress your natural attractions to others for fear of violating a monogamous relationship. On the other hand, we also carry a lot of jealousy when our partners are off being loved while we are at home doing the dishes. I guess ultimately the trick is to really accept both feelings and give them their due without trying to surpress them, then just due what comes naturally.

Al, your situation brings up an interesting aspect of this whole thing. Do you find yourself usually being with both of them, or do you spend any nights with just one?My partner of 8 years and myself have begun seeing a third. Its a really interesting dynamic since my primary partner and I have such a long history, but I have only known the third for a little less than a year. Previously my partner and I had decided to "take time off" whenever we needed to "explore", so this is a new territory for me. Luckily this is San Francisco and I actually have several polyamorous couples to look to for inspiration.

I'll tell you what the trickiest thing is though.... Being the person in the middle when we sleep. I sleep on my side and I always feel like I'm turning my back on somebody. I feel like sleeping position has become so political!

When I asked if polyamory works, it was rhetorical. I believe it does and I belives that to try to limit your love to one person when you are surrounded by so many beautiful people will drive you crazy. But I'm a silly romantic.


I just wanted to see what opinions were out there. Thanks for sharing!

that's funny, circuit. i used to be unable to feel jealousy; now it seems i'm jealous about everyone who gets near the people i have even the slightest interest in. but i also realize that means that i am terrifically insecure right now. a lot of people don't recognize the cause of jealousy, thus they think they can't help it.

so while i totally agree with polyamory, and actually think it ideal, there are, as you said, limitations.

So you're coming over tonight, right? Melissa made your favorite... pi.

eNtRopY

Al..I hope your kidding

why?

I have never been in a poly relationship (yet), but it makes absolutely perfect sense to me. it seems natural. some friends have been in such relationships for years, and it seems to work very well for them. i also think that having the freedom to sleep with other people is, in many ways, more important than actually sleeping with other people... the freedom is always there, but i don't run into someone i wanna play with every day (or even every month or year, sadly). but knowing that if you do, your partner will understand, and will probably even enjoy hearing about it... it seems like poly just really suits my personality-- i am neither possessive nor jealous.

i've only been in mongamous relationships, and i have been fine with those and i don't stray when in such relationships. but i honestly think monogamy is largely an oppressive religous hold-over, and that it is not the most 'evolved' of relationship models. poly is more about freedom than promiscuity for me...

[Edited on Jul 19, 2002 by takora]

Yeah, I think any stong friendship has a sexual undertone to it, its just a question of how receptive to it we are. It would be great if we could be lovers with all of our friends without worrying about damaging the friendship or alienating our primary lovers.

check out THE ETHICAL SLUT it is a very helpful book for learning how to work through these feelings, I think it will help with your boyfriends discomfort with your posing too....

The book by the way uses the word "SLUT" positively, it is reclaiming the word as "queer" has been reclaimed. I love it.

damn man you just made me wake my whole house up laughing!

Absolutely!

definately. when i form a strong friendship with anyone, i can't help but fall for them sexually as well. of course i have non sexual friendships, most are, but the feelings are always there. it just seems natural to express your love for someone once you become that close. i think it's amazing, but i end up hurt a lot as well...but life isn't perfect, eh?

I'm jealous