Tonight, I accomplished something that might be a "first ever". I managed to enter a strip club with a pile of money dedicated to getting lap dances and then leave 3 and a half hours later with that pile of money completely intact after several failed attempts to give it to the strippers.
It was a friend's bachelor party and after a couple of hours of drinking we finally made it to the club. I was sober, but was probably the only one. The problem is that I'm in a wheelchair and the club was crowded. The result was that for the entire time I couldn't move more than rotating in place to switch back and forth from watching the main stage and the side stage. I had to rely entirely on my friends to go out and get the attention of the girls I was interested in, and they were drunk and very distracted.
From my vantage point (which normally involved me lifting myself as high as I could reach with the armrests), it was always the last minute when I saw a girl walking by and she was gone before I could get someone's attention and get them to flag her down. Even yelling "Hey, grab that girl, yea that one walking by right there, please for the love of god, grab that girl..." did absolutly nothing.
They had a special event thing where they brought all the girls out and had a special 2 songs for the price of one deal (with a free hat - I swear, you got a free hat with your two dances). I tried to hand my money to my cousin to pick a girl for me, who promptly told me "no thanks, I don't want a dance". No shit, Sherlock, it's not for you. And I couldn't get anyone to go up to the stage and get one for me, because "they're going to pass by here", which, of course, they never did, as they were all taken in about 3 seconds flat.
I spent a big pile of ones on the dancers at the side stage I was at, but the only private dance I get was when one of the bachelor party attendees who I hadn't met until tonight (a co-worker of the groom-to-be) felt sorry for me and gave me the second dance of his 2-for-1 deal. That's right, I got a hand me down lapdance.
Everybody else was mostly out of money, and my good samaritan tried to help me, for the last hour we were there, but I finally gave up and packed it in when the same girl turned him (me) down for the 3rd time.
I mean, sure, I could have gotten a dance from a couple of different girls, but I wanted it to be one of the ones (several of the ones given that I wanted multiple dances) I thought were attractive. And it's not like I was being super picky. There were 8 different girls out of the 20 or so at the club that I tried to get to dance for me.
Near the end, I held my stack of 20s in my clinched fist and waved them back and forth in the air and occasionally leaned on people while balancing on my good leg, while trying to get the attention of a passing stripper. Have you heard the old insult that "you couldn't get laid with a hundred dollar bill hanging out of your zipper"? Well, that's me. I couldn't get a lap dance with a pile of money in my hand.
I left the club depressed and frustrated, and not the good frustrated I'm supposed to leave a strip club with, but instead with the bad frustration of someone who's done everything he could yet still utterly failed to accomplish even the most modest of goals.
I'm too fucking depressed and sleepy to write anything else right now.
Dude, that sucks ass. As a tip from a former waitress at a titty bar, be sweet to your waitress and get her to bring the girl of your choice to you. The girls always liked it when I would come and get them for customers, and would then request me to be their waitress for the night. Everyone wins! I'm sure not all clubs work the same as the ones I worked at, but the dancers pretty much told me that it was standard operating procedure.
As for why you could have been overlooked in the bar, I really wouldn't take it as anything personal. It is loud, and dark, and sometimes the girls have repeat customers that are there, or previous arrangements.
apesamongus
Atlanta, GA
July 2002
AUG 27, 2006 02:40 AM