morality question

I'll start by actually asking the question . Would you consider this cheating ? My GF decided she was into B&D . She did say to me she was finding it interesting . I tend to find role playing in the bedroom silly , not sexy , especially when I would be getting hurt in the process . So I basically said that's nice & left it at that . A couple of weeks later , she tells me she's gone to another guys place & had a B&D encounter with him ( beat on him , whatever ) . At this time she tells me that she intends to keep doing it .
Since then , I've lost pretty much all interest in her sexually , as I feel that she's cheated on me & isn't worth it . I would have moved out at the time , but I can't afford to . We work different shifts & only really are together on the weekends . We still have fun when we go do things , but in the back of my mind ...
As usual , I see this has one of my typical rambling posts . Anyway , any advise given would be appreciated . Thanks .

If you consider it cheating, it's cheating.

So she was doing something that she found sexually gratifying with another man without telling you about it. What's the question again?

I'd change that to, "If you consider it cheating, it might as well be cheating."

Because I'm sure there're people who'd see cheating even when, to anyone else, that's clearly not what happened.



But yeah, she wants to have a desire fulfilled, even if you're not the one doing it. And you aren't willing to do it, so you probably shouldn't stay together unless you're comfortable with her doing stuff with other people.

Have you even said anything to her about your feelings on the subject, or are you just letting your resentment stew? Because it sounds like the latter.

Oh well SURE, if you want to get TECHNICAL and crap.

At any rate, I agree with what Al said. If you hadn't clearly defined the boundaries of the relationship then it might not techincally be cheating, but if you feel that your trust has been violated then that's really all that matters.

The question is not really "Was this cheating?". The question should be "Can I live with the fact that she did/is doing/will do this?"

Basically, if she went behind your back and did something she knew would make you hurt, that is cheating. (Holding hands, flirting, hardcore-porn-making, etc.)

You got some pondering to do bro-ham!

We did talk about it afterwards , I told her how I felt . She doesn't consider it cheating . I basically said that if she was doing that , then I wanted a open relationship . That went over really well . I don't really have a problem with her doing what she wants . But why shouldn't I be allowed the same privilege ? Because my idea of fun would include fucking ? Bah .
You can probably tell I've had this argument with myself in my head for awhile now . Between that & the fact that it's 100 fucking degrees here ...

You get the Dan Savage advice column special acronym here: DTMFA.

Dump The MotherFucker Already.

You two have different sexual needs. You wont' participate in hers, and she won't respect yours. Break up. Now.

Gotta love the double standards. Yeah, she sounds pretty self-righteous to me. The limits of your relationship aren't to be declared by her, but to be agreed upon by the both of you. She definitely should have told you in advance about her BDSM escapade, too.

Can I get her number, Holmes?

Do you enjoy being beaten on by large women with whips ? It can be arranged , I assure you .

cheated

Give her a chance to backtrack, but tell her this. What she's doing may not be sexual, but it is intimate and you don't want to share her that way. She's obviously getting some form of excitement from it, and if you can't provide it, the two of you need to separate.

All morals aside (which is my speciality) if you aren't even into her anymore, its over. Move on. Make her jealous by bringing other girls home and the like if you're into that petty vengeful shit but yeah, you and her are over.

For what it's worth , sex life is non existent here for us . Like I said before , I'm not really interested in her that way anymore , & I'm sure she's picked up on it so she's not really trying to get me interested again . No one is getting any blow jobs here from anyone . Unless there's something else she's not telling me .

I don't know . Like I said before , we usually get along great besides this . It just really nags me . I don't want you all to think I'm just angling for sympathy / attention . I do appreciate the advice . And also like I said , I really wouldn't have had a problem with any of this , if she had just talked to me about it first & we had come to some agreement . Anywho , probably won't be back much tonight ( 4 am gets here pretty quick ) . If anyone has anything else to add , feel free . It's your dime .

In a world populated only by common sense and understanding, your logic is flawless. Unfortunately, most people are possessive bundles of insecurity who can't be with someone who openly tells them that they, thought their mate, are not the sum total of their desires.

And the fact of the matter is, even if they aren't fucking, if there's a sexual thrill from it, it's sex, if unconvential sex... This notion that some form of penetration has to be involved for "it" to qualify as sex is distinctly American, and silly.

Sez you, I'm stealing someone elses wireless signal. But that's neither here nor there.
Seriously though. End it. Right now. There's tons of girls in Denver. PA? Not Colorado? Hmm, maybe I spoke too soon.

By double standards I meant that she gets to do whatever she fancies while she doesn't grant the same right to her partner, then makes up rules after the fact to justify her actions. I didn't mean to imply that there has to be "fairness" - whatever that means - in what each partner is allowed to do outside the relationship. They would have to find a mutual agreement that both sides are sufficiently happy with or go their separate ways.

By the way, from the description it didn't sound as if she needed BDSM to be fullfilled but rather as if it was something she found interesting and wanted to try. The OP also wrote that he lost all interest in her, sexually, which I personally don't get, but wouldn't that imply that he would have to find other partners to be sexually fullfilled?

Whatever the case, there's obviously a serious communication problem here.

Number 1 and only way for someone to cheat on me. To engage in activities of any nature sexual or simply intimate, without giving me some forewarning and some say in the encounter.

Example: My girlfriend H is married and also Bi-sexual... and very hot women regularly find her fucking hot... but that wasn't news to me.

She wants a girlfriend... heck with a husband and a boyfriend on top of it she needs a little estrogen sometimes... and I respect that.

She and her husband have sex... that is a given... but what isn't a given is her going out with some chick and fucking her without telling me... even if her husband doesn't mind... I want to at least know about the possibility. But neither of us are really going to ever be in a position where there won't be time to call the other one. While I take things cautiously... and feel out if there is a connection there before doing somehting (which takes at least two meetings)... she's even more cautious.

I do however have a friend with benifits, in that case the rule is that there are no rules. I tell her what I want to tell her and she tells me what she wants to tell me. There is a grand difference between the two relationships... in that case if she went off to beat some guy without telling me... I'd probably rib her about not asking me for advice given my experience with BDSM... so long as she came back alive that is.

If my actual girlfriend went off and did that I would be very fucking angry... not for doing it... but because she didn't tell me about the possibility before hand. i'd be even more angry that she assumed that it was okay to do without telling me where she was going and what she was going to be doing. Mostly because what she did was fucking dangerous... and while I'm not jealous... I am very fucking protective... I'll be damned if some moronic boy gets one of my loves alone and hurts her. he'd see the underside of my size twelves real fast.

in my opinion cheating doesnt nec. have to mean intercourse...if it makes you uncomfortable and esp. if its dont behind your back...well i think you knew the answer before you started this thread though...good luck

On the subject of loseing intrest because of it... I would feel that way if the person she did it with were someone I didn't feel was my equal. For instance some moronic kid who couldn't possibly understand the ramifications of allowing a totalitarian oligarchy free reign over the United States.

Sadly I'm still awake . But , I'm glad I am as that post gave me the best laugh I've had all day . Well done .