Dear Ashlee Simpson

Smuffy said:
I wish smelly was here to see this thread.

So I was extremely not-sober when I wrote this:

I'm watching the show right now. Ashlee Simpson is fascinating to me. She's the newest kind of television car-wreck, a fully formed pre-assembled reality show star. For all intents-and-purposes, Ashlee Simpson was literally born to sell the Simpson namebrand and follow in her sisters footsteps. She's here simply to exist and make money. Which is fine, I can live with that and it doesn't bother me. What really intrigues me is that she seems to be both completely aware and completely clueless at exactly the same time.

Her peer group is one that has been dramatically forged by a The Real World on a couple of levels. The first few seasons of RW were truly real. People trying to get along, all that. You've heard the opening bit. But in the San Fran season the show shifted. It was between Puck and Pedro. Both knew how to work the cameras and situations for their own goals. Pedro for Gay Rights and AIDS awareness. Puck for the complete sabotage of the show and the roommates lives. One was open about it, one was used the camera per se. The outcome shaped the show forever and in many ways the youth who watched. In the end, the editors (and the roomies kind of) decided to let Pedro win, because he was the good guy. It was now completely acceptable to not be a person anymore, but a spokesman for whatever clique or group you put yourself in.

How many times have you heard ''Oh, that Venomkid, he'd be the Puck of the house!" or "I'm wild and crazy, like Randy (San Diego)" in conversation? The show constructed it's own form of society under the guidance of attention whores and smart casting directors. The Real World shaped the way you cast reality shows, the way you edit and the dynamic you shoot for.

Real World helped a generation to look itself in the mirror via Cable Television, and you'd see a change every year as new people joined the show. Since then, several shows have popped up, most notable Survivor, which was aimed at a much older, broader audience. Newlyweds is probably the most successful (maybe not as much as the Osbournes...but that's almost a novelty act considering it's Ozzy Osbourne.) ''lifestyle'' reality shows. The show revived Jessica Simpsons career and single handedly brought Nick LeShay (I wish I knew how to spell it...) back to life it seems.

Naturally, Ashlee Simpson is going to get a show. It is her birthright and that's why she's so fucking interesting. She does not exist on a musical level, or a talent level. She cannot sing, that's a clear fact. And it's a fact that shouldn't matter. She's not smart, either. Or interesting on a personality level. She is a Perfect Reality Show Star. She's fully aware of her sisters success, of why she is where she is, of the Real World and the shows that come before her. She knows she isn't talented and it's clear she knows she's a hack. And yet she expects adoration. She gets it. She expects her show to be a hit. It is. And there's a very good reason.

One of the biggest draws of Reality Television is that it puts ''real'' people in situations we can put ourselves in. Be it simply ''the real world'' or outrageous contests with millions at stake, we can root for someone in these casts. Because they are disstilled into stereotypes that we can all relate to, in one way or another. So we can cheer for them, or hate them because they remind us of an ex-girlfriend or boyfriend. They are on TV, yet of equal footing with all of us. They are prone to any and all criticism. But not Ashlee.

She is beyond criticism and thus transcends Reality TV. She is not a real person. She's the out-of-nowhere sister of a teen idol sex kitten. She's completely devoid of any skill or talent. She is not after anything except our money. She should not be rich. She should not have a career in anything more than food service (no offense, i'm there, too). And she knows this. It doesn't matter to her. She lives a completely unrealistic lifestyle that no one could possibly ever happen into again in the history of Western Civilization. That is why she is vital. She must be studied.

(special thanks to Chuck Klosterman, koenigsegg and ryan_dipietro)

Point_Blank said:
..."no business being on TV"?

Because we only have the best and brightest on TV, right?

Dylan said:
Hang on...her sister is hot? Jessica? The one with the terrifying manic face?

PsychoMagnet said:

No, there are plenty more people who have no business being on TV. I was just starting with the A's.

SmellinOfTroy said:
If you somehow make her go away, I will kill your shit. I just had to say this....

Point_Blank said:

this was the gayest way to return....ever.

Smuffy said:
I wish smelly was here to see this thread.

SmellinOfTroy said:
If you somehow make her go away, I will kill your shit. I just had to say this....

souljacker said:
Why is Ashlee Simpson worse than Hillary Duff or Lindsey Lohan or her sister or Britney Spears or any number of other lower proifile female manufactured pop stars?

The couple of times I have seen her show on MTV, it has been all kindsa fun. I especially love it when she refers to herself as an "artist" and talks about how the videos she has no part in conceiving for the songs she didn't write and doesn't play on really reflect "who I am." This why reality TV is so great. You couldn't write stuff this funny and have anybody believe it.

Dylan said:
Hang on...her sister is hot? Jessica? The one with the terrifying manic face?

Smuffy said:
I just think it's kind of predictable to hate on someone like this.