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FridgeMagnet

FridgeMagnet

Chicago, IL
November 2004

FEB 23, 2005 10:03 AM

Hi, you don't know me but I've been on a pretty good run as far as you're concerned. I missed the whole SnL debacle thing, and every time any of your videos have been on TV my lighting fast Remote Control Trigger Finger has whisked you out of my consciousness like a bad dream and nothing more. Unfortunately last night, I was standing on one side of my apartment when your "show" came on and I didn't get to the remote control in time. I ended up watching some of your show, and as a result I must ask you the following favor.

Go away. Go far away too. You have nothing that even remotely resembles talent, you are irritating and fake in the way you speak to others, and you're not attractive. So please, you have no business being on TV. You suck.

All my best,

Me.

P.S. your sister is still really hot.

Lecia

Lecia

Cleveland, OH
July 2004

FEB 23, 2005 10:14 AM

I second that

PointBlank

PointBlank

New York, NY
November 2004

FEB 23, 2005 10:15 AM

..."no business being on TV"?

Because we only have the best and brightest on TV, right?

Smuffy

Smuffy

I'm lost
December 2003

FEB 23, 2005 10:17 AM

I wish smelly was here to see this thread.

Dylan

Dylan

SUICIDEGIRL

United Kingdom

FEB 23, 2005 10:17 AM

Hang on...her sister is hot? Jessica? The one with the terrifying manic face?

PointBlank

PointBlank

New York, NY
November 2004

FEB 23, 2005 10:18 AM

Smuffy said:
I wish smelly was here to see this thread.


You gotta cut and paste his salute to Ashlee...brilliant.

Smuffy

Smuffy

I'm lost
December 2003

FEB 23, 2005 10:21 AM

My Thoughts on Ashlee Simpson by SmellinOfTroy

So I was extremely not-sober when I wrote this:

I'm watching the show right now. Ashlee Simpson is fascinating to me. She's the newest kind of television car-wreck, a fully formed pre-assembled reality show star. For all intents-and-purposes, Ashlee Simpson was literally born to sell the Simpson namebrand and follow in her sisters footsteps. She's here simply to exist and make money. Which is fine, I can live with that and it doesn't bother me. What really intrigues me is that she seems to be both completely aware and completely clueless at exactly the same time.

Her peer group is one that has been dramatically forged by a The Real World on a couple of levels. The first few seasons of RW were truly real. People trying to get along, all that. You've heard the opening bit. But in the San Fran season the show shifted. It was between Puck and Pedro. Both knew how to work the cameras and situations for their own goals. Pedro for Gay Rights and AIDS awareness. Puck for the complete sabotage of the show and the roommates lives. One was open about it, one was used the camera per se. The outcome shaped the show forever and in many ways the youth who watched. In the end, the editors (and the roomies kind of) decided to let Pedro win, because he was the good guy. It was now completely acceptable to not be a person anymore, but a spokesman for whatever clique or group you put yourself in.

How many times have you heard ''Oh, that Venomkid, he'd be the Puck of the house!" or "I'm wild and crazy, like Randy (San Diego)" in conversation? The show constructed it's own form of society under the guidance of attention whores and smart casting directors. The Real World shaped the way you cast reality shows, the way you edit and the dynamic you shoot for.

Real World helped a generation to look itself in the mirror via Cable Television, and you'd see a change every year as new people joined the show. Since then, several shows have popped up, most notable Survivor, which was aimed at a much older, broader audience. Newlyweds is probably the most successful (maybe not as much as the Osbournes...but that's almost a novelty act considering it's Ozzy Osbourne.) ''lifestyle'' reality shows. The show revived Jessica Simpsons career and single handedly brought Nick LeShay (I wish I knew how to spell it...) back to life it seems.

Naturally, Ashlee Simpson is going to get a show. It is her birthright and that's why she's so fucking interesting. She does not exist on a musical level, or a talent level. She cannot sing, that's a clear fact. And it's a fact that shouldn't matter. She's not smart, either. Or interesting on a personality level. She is a Perfect Reality Show Star. She's fully aware of her sisters success, of why she is where she is, of the Real World and the shows that come before her. She knows she isn't talented and it's clear she knows she's a hack. And yet she expects adoration. She gets it. She expects her show to be a hit. It is. And there's a very good reason.

One of the biggest draws of Reality Television is that it puts ''real'' people in situations we can put ourselves in. Be it simply ''the real world'' or outrageous contests with millions at stake, we can root for someone in these casts. Because they are disstilled into stereotypes that we can all relate to, in one way or another. So we can cheer for them, or hate them because they remind us of an ex-girlfriend or boyfriend. They are on TV, yet of equal footing with all of us. They are prone to any and all criticism. But not Ashlee.

She is beyond criticism and thus transcends Reality TV. She is not a real person. She's the out-of-nowhere sister of a teen idol sex kitten. She's completely devoid of any skill or talent. She is not after anything except our money. She should not be rich. She should not have a career in anything more than food service (no offense, i'm there, too). And she knows this. It doesn't matter to her. She lives a completely unrealistic lifestyle that no one could possibly ever happen into again in the history of Western Civilization. That is why she is vital. She must be studied.

(special thanks to Chuck Klosterman, koenigsegg and ryan_dipietro)



COME BACK SOON SMELLY! ♥

FridgeMagnet

FridgeMagnet

Chicago, IL
November 2004

FEB 23, 2005 10:28 AM

Point_Blank said:
..."no business being on TV"?

Because we only have the best and brightest on TV, right?



No, there are plenty more people who have no business being on TV. I was just starting with the A's.

FridgeMagnet

FridgeMagnet

Chicago, IL
November 2004

FEB 23, 2005 10:29 AM

Dylan said:
Hang on...her sister is hot? Jessica? The one with the terrifying manic face?



Yes. That's the one.

PointBlank

PointBlank

New York, NY
November 2004

FEB 23, 2005 10:29 AM

PsychoMagnet said:

Point_Blank said:
..."no business being on TV"?

Because we only have the best and brightest on TV, right?



No, there are plenty more people who have no business being on TV. I was just starting with the A's.


Why do you love Adam Arkin so much?

Bastardo

Bastardo

Boston, MA
January 2005

FEB 23, 2005 10:29 AM

I can't stand her personally, but I can't take my eyes off her. Like hypnosis almost.

The_Reverend

The_Reverend

United Kingdom
September 2004

FEB 23, 2005 10:33 AM

I'm totally down with this thread... apart from the statement that Jessica Simpson is hot.

Ashlee is soooooooooooooooooooooooooo not my type... but her sister
got hit with the ugly stick waaay harder.

RubberSoul

RubberSoul

Los Angeles, CA
February 2003

FEB 23, 2005 10:35 AM

Why is Ashlee Simpson worse than Hillary Duff or Lindsey Lohan or her sister or Britney Spears or any number of other lower proifile female manufactured pop stars?

The couple of times I have seen her show on MTV, it has been all kindsa fun. I especially love it when she refers to herself as an "artist" and talks about how the videos she has no part in conceiving for the songs she didn't write and doesn't play on really reflect "who I am." This why reality TV is so great. You couldn't write stuff this funny and have anybody believe it.

EndedBen

EndedBen

Grand Rapids, MI
August 2004

FEB 23, 2005 10:39 AM

If you somehow make her go away, I will kill your shit. I just had to say this....

PointBlank

PointBlank

New York, NY
November 2004

FEB 23, 2005 10:40 AM

SmellinOfTroy said:
If you somehow make her go away, I will kill your shit. I just had to say this....


this was the gayest way to return....ever.

FridgeMagnet

FridgeMagnet

Chicago, IL
November 2004

FEB 23, 2005 10:40 AM

Hillary Duff and Lindsay Lohan are esentially Barely Legal magazine in a Disney Movie. They should go away too. Britney has become a great farce, but she should go away as well.

Maybe the next time I start a thread like this, I'll list every single person who annoys me and who should go away.

And jessica simpson is hot. That is all.

Smuffy

Smuffy

I'm lost
December 2003

FEB 23, 2005 10:42 AM

Point_Blank said:

SmellinOfTroy said:
If you somehow make her go away, I will kill your shit. I just had to say this....


this was the gayest way to return....ever.



fuck. a smelly sighting! biggrin

TheLibra

TheLibra

Bridgeport, CT
October 2003

FEB 23, 2005 10:43 AM

she makes me want to la la


and by la la i mean poop.

auralpleasure

auralpleasure

Mountain View, CA
February 2004

FEB 23, 2005 10:45 AM

Smuffy said:
I wish smelly was here to see this thread.



The first thing I saw. Haha. Dude wrote a thesis on Ashlee Simpson.

Smuffy

Smuffy

I'm lost
December 2003

FEB 23, 2005 10:46 AM

I just think it's kind of predictable to hate on someone like this.

FridgeMagnet

FridgeMagnet

Chicago, IL
November 2004

FEB 23, 2005 10:46 AM

SmellinOfTroy said:
If you somehow make her go away, I will kill your shit. I just had to say this....



If I could pull it off she'd be gone already. But for the record my shit wears Kevlar, Fitty style.

auralpleasure

auralpleasure

Mountain View, CA
February 2004

FEB 23, 2005 10:46 AM

souljacker said:
Why is Ashlee Simpson worse than Hillary Duff or Lindsey Lohan or her sister or Britney Spears or any number of other lower proifile female manufactured pop stars?

The couple of times I have seen her show on MTV, it has been all kindsa fun. I especially love it when she refers to herself as an "artist" and talks about how the videos she has no part in conceiving for the songs she didn't write and doesn't play on really reflect "who I am." This why reality TV is so great. You couldn't write stuff this funny and have anybody believe it.



You haven't made me laugh in a while. Maybe I'm just jaded now.

lilyk

lilyk

I'm lost
December 2004

FEB 23, 2005 10:47 AM

Dylan said:
Hang on...her sister is hot? Jessica? The one with the terrifying manic face?




I hear that. That is the face of stupidity.

FridgeMagnet

FridgeMagnet

Chicago, IL
November 2004

FEB 23, 2005 10:48 AM

Smuffy said:
I just think it's kind of predictable to hate on someone like this.



You mean this wasn't the most original idea ever? Shit. I thought I had finally outsmarted the boards. Oh well back to the drawing board. Maybe my next thread will be, "Why David Hasselhoff is easy to make fun of." Noone will find that unoriginal.

Magilla

magilla

Congo
May 2003

FEB 23, 2005 10:50 AM

Easy target.

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