Violent Femmes: Beleive it or not

Mainly a collection of annecdotes from the Femmes history, I thought some of you might enjoy them, with their dealings with the shallow music biz- meating celebs in the weirdest places.
Enjoy



Original Femmes drummer Victor DeLorenzo and current Femmes drummer Guy Hoffman both have bald spots IN THE SAME PLACE ON THEIR HEADS!!!

Since the band started they have played in over 500 different cities,
but the members CAN'T REMEMBER ALL OF THEM!!!!!!

Mark Van Hecke who "produced" the Femmes first two records,once boasted,"I will go down in music history as one of the great recordproducers alongside George Martin and Phil Spector!" Instead he is currently MAKING MUSIC FOR VIDEO GAMES!!!!!"

Femmes singer Gordon Gano's brother Glenn recorded his own CD. BrianRitchie played it for Femmes recording engineer David Vartanian and Horns of Dilemma member Sigmund Snopek III, saying it was a demo ofGordon's new songs. Although Dave and Sig had both been working withtheFemmes for over a decade THEY COULDN'T TELL THAT IT WAS NOT GORDON!!!!!

Since the band started, bassist Brian Ritchie has GAINED 65 POUNDS!!!!

Gordon wrote "Country Death Song" IN THE TENTH GRADE STUDYHALL!!!!!!!

When Nirvana opened for the Femmes in Australia singer Kurt Cobain refused to go onstage unless someone got him some drugs. Femmes tou rmanager Willie MacInnes gave him two Tylenol, but told Kurt they werePOWERFUL NARCOTICS. A few minutes later Kurt hit the stage, saying,"I FEEL MUCH BETTER!!!!!!!"

Kurt's wife Courtney Love accompanied him on the tour. The Femmesthought she was a skanky, pasty-faced, pockmarked, drug-addled, no talent slut and bimbo. But they must have been wrong, because now she is
a ROLE MODEL FOR AMERICAN FEMININITY!!!!!!!!

The Femmes played at the North Pole with the Red Hot Chili Peppers. The Chili Peppers celebrated this rare opportunity by ARGUING AND SPLITTING UP THE BAND!!!!!!!

Former President Jimmy Carter once opened up the show for the Femmes. When he met Brian Ritchie he SHOOK HIS HAND AND SAID,"PLEASED TO MEET YOU!!!!!!"

When former Talking Head Jerry Harrison produced the Femmes, Gordon was shocked to find him drinking from a little bottle clearly marked,"FOR EXTERNAL USE ONLY!!!!!!!!"

When the Femmes worked with producer Michael Beinhorn (Chili Peppers,Soundgarden, Soul Asylum, etc.) he threw a temper tantrum because the recording studio refused to provide him with A PLAYPEN FOR HIS DOG WHO HAD BEEN PISSING ALL OVER THE SOUND BOARD!!!!!!"

Gordon Gano is one of the CLOSEST LIVING RELATIONS TO ECCENTRIC BILLIONAIRE HOWARD HUGHES!!!!!!"

Gordon and Brian played their first show together at Gordon's National Honor Society Program. Gordon told them he would play an innocuous song, but instead the duo performed "Gimme the Car". When a rioterupted
Gordon was EXPELLED FROM THE HONOR SOCIETY!!!!!!"

When the Femmes did an acoustic show at Warner Bros. Records to celebrate the release of "Why Do Birds Sing?" WB PresidentLenny Waronker called Brian Ritchie aside and told him,"THAT WAS EXCELLENT, GORDON!!!!!!!!!!"

Horns of Dilemma musicians Sigmund Snopek III and Peter Balestrieri played with the Femmes at Carnegie Hall. A few days later they had agig at a bowling alley in Wisconsin. They told the audience, "We just played at Carnegie Hall." NO ONE BELIEVED THEM AND ONE AUDIENCE MEMBER SHOUTED OUT, "YEAH, SURE!!!!!!!!"

Gordon Gano's mother worked in the movies AS A DOUBLE FOR PAUL NEWMAN'S WIFE, JOANNE WOODWARD!!!!!!!!

Slash Records President Bob Biggs did not like "Country Death Song". He complained,"It's OK until that piano comes in and ruins it."The band was puzzled since there is no piano on the song. Obviously Biggs could NOT TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A PIANO AND A BANJO!!!!!!!!!"

Biggs later took the master tape of "Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?" and overdubbed samples of James Brown and the Beach Boys. IN THE PROCESSHE
ERASED SOME OF VICTOR'S DRUM PARTS!!!!!!!

In an interview with the L.A. Weekly Biggs admitted that he couldn't remember much of the eighties BECAUSE HE WAS ON DRUGS ALL THE TIME!!!!!

Warner Bros. Vice President Karin Berg once told the puzzled Femmes, "BIGGS' STRENGTHS ARE HIS WEAKNESSES!!!!!!!"

The Femmes played with Dennis Rodman at the Field Museum in Chicago forNew Years Eve "97. The audience was climbing on the elephants andTHE MUSEUM WAS STREWN WITH USED CONDOMS!!!!!!!"
For the same show Rodman JAMMED WITH THE FEMMES AND SHOWED THE AUDIENCEHIS BUTT AND PEE-PEE!!!!!!! Former Femmes drummer Victor DeLorenzo and family was there to witness the debauchery. The Femmes hired Victor's son's band to open the show, BECAUSE THE OPENING BAND FROM ENGLAND NEVER SHOWED UP!!!!!!!"
Rodman poured a beer over Gordon's head, but Gordon didn't retaliate BECAUSE GORDON IS SMALL AND RODMAN IS VERY BIG!!!!!!!!!
Brian PUT HIS BASS NECK INTO RODMAN'S ASS!!!!!!

One of the Femmes earliest gigs was opening up for Guy Hoffman's band the Oil Tasters. THE FEMMES WERE PAID NOTHING FOR THAT GIG!!!!!

Jazz great Ornette Coleman listened to all of the Femmes albums in one sitting. He said, "THE MUSIC'S GREAT, BUT THE WORDS GET IN THE WAY!!!!!"

Another Jazz great, Don Cherry, CALLED BRIAN AND ASKED IF HE COULD SIT IN WITH THE HORNS OF DILEMMA!!!!!

Jazz great Sun Ra liked Brian's song, "Sun Ra-Man from Outer Space".He listened to it over and over on his tour bus. Ra told Femmes promoter Peter Jest, "I LOVE IT WHEN THE TEENAGERS SING ABOUT ME!!!!!!!!"

Yet another Jazz great, Bassist Percy Heath of the Modern Jazz Quartet came to an early Femmes show and came backstage to try Brian's trademark
acoustic bass guitar. Said Heath, "THIS IS THE BASS GUITAR. THATSHIT THE OTHER CATS PLAY IS JUST A TOY!!!!!!!!!!"

Smiths singer Morrisey attended a Femmes show in London. Informed of his presence the Femmes came out for the encore and sang the Smiths song,"I would go out tonight, but I haven't got a stitch to wear" CLAD ONLYIN
THEIR UNDERWEAR!!!!!!!!!

Another British popstar, The Jazz Butcher, was very excited to open up for his heroes, the Femmes. Unfortunately he liked the Femmes too much,
because upon hearing them HE FIRED HIS ENTIRE BAND AND FLED THE VENUE IN TEARS!!!!!!!!

Pop songstress Jewel came into the Femmes dressing room and posed thequestion,"Would you rather be a fish or a star?" Gordon said,"Neither."
Brian said,"A fish because you can eat other fishes." JEWEL'S RESPONSE TO THIS WAS, "THAT'S DISGUSTING!!!!!!!!"

In a German interview the Femmes were asked, "Ja, vat do you sinkabout the reunification of Chermany?" To the chagrin of the assembled journalists they responded,"We don't think the question is whetherthere should be one or two Germanies, but RATHER IF THERE SHOULD BE ANYGERMANY!!!!!!!!!"

The Femmes were going through Canadian customs when they were approached by bald TV excercise and diet guru Susan Powter. She said,"You looklike rock musicians. So, what do you think, should Joni Mitchell be in the
Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?" The entire band and crew replied with a scornful,"No!!!" "Why not?" asked Powter. Guy Hoffmanreplied, "Because she doesn't play rock and roll. If they let her in then they'll have tolet Barbara Streisand in too." Brian Ritchie said,"The closest Joni Mitchell came to rock and roll was HAVING SEX WITH CROSBY, STILLS, AND NASH!!!!!!"

The Femmes were staying in a fancy hotel in Memphis, Tenn. They had to check out early to go to the next gig, and Horns of Dilemma musician Sigmund Snopek III fell asleep on a chair in the lobby while the rest were checking out. He was woken by a kick in the shin and a fruity voice
yelling,"Come on, look lively, it's too early in the morning tobe taking a nap!!!" Snopek opened his eyes to gaze upon TV excerciseand diet guru Richard Simmons. SNOPEK THEN UTTERED THE PHRASE, "FUCK OFF!!!!!!!"

Femmes were playing "Confessions" at a club in D.C. when they noticed that all of the young girls in the front several rows began grimacing and covering their eyes. When they looked behind them they realized why. SIGMUND SNOPEK III WAS BLOWING A HUNTING HORN COMPLETELY NUDE!!!!!!!!"

Horns of Dilemma sax man Peter Balestrieri had seen Brian jump into the audience and get passed around by the crowd and wanted to try it for himself. However, when Peter jumped the Australian audience parted and Pete landed on his butt, breaking his tailbone. He was not able to sit for the rest of the tour. WHEN THE BAND FLEW THE OTHER PASSENGERS WERE NERVOUS WHEN THEY SAW SOMEONE WITH STRONG MEDITERRANEAN FEATURES PACING UP AND DOWN THE AISLE WEARING SUNGLASSES AND DRINKING WHISKEY DURING TAKEOFF!!!!!!!!"

Brian Ritchie was having a beer with Fishbone singer Angelo. Angelo asked, "Brian, do you ever see angels?" Ritchie said, "No."Angelo responded, "I frequently see them flying around the room, BUT I CAN NEVER TELL IF THEY ARE REAL OR IF I'M IMAGINING THEM!!!!!!!"

The Femmes were playing at a rock festival with Lou Reed and Bonnie Raitt. Brian gave Lou a large cigar, and they were approached by Bonnie. Raitt asked, "BRIAN, DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING ABOUT THAT SIZE I CAN PUTIN MY MOUTH???!!!!!!!!!???"

A girl was lost in the Amazon for three days. When she was rescued the journalists asked her how she kept up her spirits during the ordeal.She replied, "BY SINGING SONGS FROM THE VIOLENT FEMMES ALBUM, "HALLOWED GROUND"!!!!!!!!!!"

When the Femmes were on their first tour they had a gig at a foul club in Dallas. The club had giant statues of frogs playing musicalinstruments on the roof. The clubowner told the band,"This is not good music. I will pay you not to play." The band refused and performed anyway. THEY WERE SHOCKED WHEN THEY LOOKED IN THE CROWD AND SAW SINGING LEGEND TONY BENNETT!!!!!!!!!!!"

Years later the band was travelling in Texas, AND THEY SAW THE MUSICAL FROGS FOR SALE IN THE PARKING LOT OF A GAS STATION!!!!!!!!!!!"

The Femmes went to a sushi bar in L.A. Former Partridge Familybassist/actor Danny Bonaduce was the maitre'd. When he found out it was the Femmes he invited them to GO TO THE PARKING LOT AND SMOKE DRUGS!!!!!!!

Another time Ritchie went to the same sushi bar, but when he sat down they started playing the Femmes on the stereo. Brian summoned the waitress and requested to hear something else. She said,"What's wrong, don't you like the Femmes?" Ritchie told the confused waitress,"NO, I LOVE THE FEMMES, IN FACT I'VE BEEN TO EVERY ONE OF THEIR SHOWS!!!!!!!!!!"

Brian Ritchie went to Femmes booking agent Frank Riley's office. Upon leaving he entered the elevator where he was joined by actor SlyStallone. The elevator door did not close immediately, which visibly agitated Stallone. RATHER THAN PRESSING THE 'DOOR CLOSE' BUTTON STALLONEISSUED THE FOLLOWING INSTRUCTION,"FUCKIN' DOOR CLOSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Despite the fact that all the bandmembers are idiots, the Femmes have been going for 18 years, BELIEVE IT OR NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!





Heheh I wonder how many bassists can boast of getting offered by Bonnie Ray to suck their cock, damn thats classic.

[Edited on Sep 03, 2003 by Bayou777]

[Edited on Sep 04, 2003 by Bayou777]

I hope you know that this will go down on your permanent record!

Well dont be so distressed, did I happen to mention that I'm impressed
Hehe, I would be damend embarrassed to be one of those producers, cripes the music Biz really reached a low point in the 80's I can only hope that it has started to remove the crap since the internet started to bring it to their knees.
though if that were the case, the popular music indistry would be doing much better now wouldnt they?

You just copied this of there web site,

Yes, yes I did, your point?

I would have posted a link, but I thought that most would only be marginally interested in these factoids/ let alone the femmes themselves.
Though I did clean up the paragraph structure and some odd spacing problems(dont think I caught them all), this post took more work than you would think.

[Edited on Sep 04, 2003 by Bayou777]

I don't know if one of you're first posts can be that long, damned noobies....

Damned judgemental Arch enemy of Godzilla.
what, is the site running on a 10 GB harddrive?
Just trying to bring something interesting to these forums.
Sorry if I insulted your way of life.


[Edited on Sep 04, 2003 by Bayou777]

LONG ASS POST!
but funny as fuck...