NEWS: Ballsy Cop Lets It All Hang Out

CULTURE: Ballsy Cop Lets It All Hang Out

Without question, this is an example of going above and beyond the call of duty:

That's a fucking good cop, right there. I don't try to stop the guy stealing my car in anything less than jeans and a windbreaker. Mayyybe a thick sweater, but some form of outerwear is preferred.

See, this is exhibit one of how he and I are different. Exhibit two, of course being our respective willingness to go one further and actually fight crime while naked.

Yeah, I don't even sleep in the nude. Not that I'm saying I'm some Tobias Funke. Just that laying there like some proud seal -- flat out, full-blown naked -- is not a regular thing for me. Maybe if I'm drunk and/or crazy tired. But not often. Possibly because I've figured that whatever it is I decide to do after waking, chances are it will require me wearing boxers so why not just get that part out of the way now. I may be in the minority here.

First, incorrectly reported as "two flashlights." Then corrected with "one regular flashlight and one rapidly shrinking flashlight."

This guy is amazing. There are two ways this went down, both equally impressive. Either he's some super-confident, uber-man bred without even a hint of insecurity or inhibition, a man capable of performing any task, from running on the treadmill to putting together a model airplane, while completely, unflinchingly naked. Truly breathing free only in that skin-on-air, glistening rippling, sagging, dangling, unfettered expression of pure humanity, and he'll have it no other way. Or....

None of the above is true, he's exactly like you or I and just made a somewhat odd decision. Thinking to himself in those tense miliseconds after being woken, "Fuck... I'd really love to throw on a pair of boxers right now... ideally, one with a button on the flap... and hey, if time weren't an issue, maybe even a pair of basketball shorts... But god damn it, I DON'T HAVE THAT KIND OF TIME."

Does the second option sound more reasonable to you? Not to me. I know he's a cop and therefore understands the criminal mind and how best to combat it better than I, but, HOW LONG would it have taken to step into the boxers he had lying on the floor, and grab a shirt as he ran towards the truck? And why grab the flashlight and not the gun? The world may never know...*

I think we can agree that the crook did what any of us would have done, the only thing a sensible person could do. Of all the things you could encounter while stealing a car. Of all the things that could come barreling out at you in the dead of night: muscular angry dude, guy with a baseball bat, guy threatening to call the cops... Angry fully naked man who does not seem to give a shit that he's naked, trumps them all.

At that point it's decision time. You have to decide, if I fight him, and lose, will this get weird? And, if I fight him and win, realistically, how much contact with his penis am I looking at, modest estimate? More than I'd like.

And finally, am I sure that I want to be stealing and then driving this man's car, a car that in all likelihood, has been driven while naked at least a few times. Possibly when he needed to run out in a hurry before a store closed... the answer is no. Plenty of non-ass tarnished seats out there available to an ambitious crook, the majority of which aren't guarded by "the world's most comfortable male."

Wise move, car thief. Af the end of a long line of bad decisions, you've made one right one.



* Well, I suppose somebody could just ask him.



TheCoolerKing wonders if nude-cop might benefit from the purchase of a nice robe, kept hung up near the bedroom door.

He totally took going commando to the next level!!

Henceforth, streaking shall be known as "going constable."

clever, clever, I like it. I think "constable" is one of those words that people should start using again more often...

Ballsy copy?

He has a love-affair with diminuitives, the letter y in adjectivals, and writing drunk.

no, that was my typo from a title fix this morning. fair play now...

Hahaha, pretty accurate, actually...

Doe the cop look like the guy from Sideways?

nobody wants to be arrested by a naked cop

Hey, ya gotta do what ya gotta do... when ya gotta do it. And I can personally attest to the shock value of a large naked man.

Years ago, my best friend / supervisor walked into my bedroom while I was asleep (naked, as usual) and commenced to raise hell about something job related. It was my day off and I really needed some time away from the stress. Since he was my best friend and I was off the clock, I told him to deal with it himself and get the fuck out of my house. He continued barking at me, and without thinking I sprung out of bed and charged him. His eyes bugged out when he realized that he was about to be pummeled by a naked guy twice his size, and his clipboard wasn't any kind of useful shield at all!

We still laugh about it to this day!

haha that guy is crazy! my dad once came outside butt naked to spray our hose at the house burning across the street. no time for underwear? apparently people woken by an emergency while naked don't seem to understand the short time it would actually take to put on pants.

Somehow, a water hose doesn't quite seem like the correct tool for extinguishing a burning house. A phone call would be a far better solution.

Are we sure it wasn't Viggo Mortensen?

Dude, like, in an emergency, EVERY SECOND COUNTS!






*I sleep in the nude, and yes, I understand the possible implications...

i see what you did there.

yarp.

science damn it!



there. fucknell.

I live in Wellington, New Zealand,,,this is not an uncommon thing...nude man has sex with his nude wife,...nude man takes shower,...man gets nude while changing...flat mate accidentally sees nude other flat mate...nude constable chases car thief....what this article doesn't state is that the thief himself was also nude.

Coolest cop ever!

I guess we willl never see The cooler king at a nude beach