an ethical conundrum

Well..
There is a girl that I kind of see. Im really interested in her.
The thing is in passing conversation I mentioned a friend I used to have that is a lesbian. This is where the problem arises..
A wrinkled nose and obvious disgust washes over this girl.
Apparently she hates gay/lesbian/bisexual individuals.. She goes on saying that they disgust her to no limit.
So, my problem is..
I like her a lot.. this is just one bad thing in a sea of good things. But, I feel wrong in liking her because I dont know how many times Ive stood up to people like her alongside friends who arent exactly straight.
Maybe this is just the narrow-mindedness/bigotry the south is famous for..
Im thinking I may know what I will do.. but.. I just want to hear others opinions.

Approach her on the subject honestly and openly, and ask her why she feels that way. If she's got issues that you feel will compromise your relationship with your curved friends, you have to decide whether which way you want to walk.

Ouch.
I would call it a deal-breaker, but thats me.
Its possible thats its only mental programming that makes her feel that way, and perhaps with some gentle exposure, she'll get over it.
Then again, maybe not.
It really comes down to how much effort you want to put into this. And if it never gets any better... I'd bolt. Bigotry only gets worse with age.

You are still young so I'd advise keeping her at arms length. Homophobes sometimes need to venture into a Gay Petting Zoo so they can learn that they don't bite and are quite nice.

So unless you want to hold her hand on this beautiful journey of discovery and enlightenment, just date her casually.

PLUS, if you are serious about this girl...she had this paranoia taught to her somehow. That means her family may be nuts as well. Enjoy that



[Edited on Jan 04, 2004 by Scopitone]

you know.. I already knew the answer to my own question when I wrote that.
I just cant do it. It just doesn't sit well with me. At all.
Thanks for the input, anyhow.

Sorry.

I'm reminded of an episode of the Andy Ricther show, that aired while the EXACT thing was happening to me... it was weird. I will elaborate.

I met a woman in school, who was... a knockout. We went out and on our first date after dinner I suggested we go dowtown (D.Troit) to which she replied, "I don't really like it there, too many black people.'

I was confused. "ha ha" I laughed, nervously thinking, "wow, that joke was in really poor taste"

Soon she followed it up with, "I don't really like mexicans that much either, or ..... etc." Oh man, she wasn't joking.

I paid the bill, and left the restaurant.

Now here's the rub. in the Andy Richter show he's dating this gorgeous woman who he finds out is a Nazi, they show a scene of two guys in body suits, one that says "brain" and the other that says, "penis" ... then the guy in thepenis suit comenses kicking the brain's ass all over the place.

RIght. I had to see this woman in class every week, and while there she would ask me out and I would say,.... "okay" ... as I was dazzled by her charm. I wouild then get home, think "WHAT THE FUCK" and call her to break the date.

This happened 3 times before I realized...

There are TONS of REALLY beautiful women out there who aren't bigots. end of story.

-mk

There sure are... just look at this site!

I grew up in the South, and so much of the spouted rhetoric is exactly that. It isn't said because any thought has been put into it one way or the other, but often just because "it is the thing you are supposed to say." Sure, things are changing, but not as fast as the outside world would like to think. I say give her a chance; she might be open to new ways of thinking.

not all people who are southern are narrowminded, so don't excuse or chalk it off as a result of being southern. she has a choice to hold onto the "belief." homophobia, nahhh, that never happens up here. anyway, if you have gay friends, how could you have a relationship and go out with your friends or tell her about them? she may expect you to get rid of them or you may feel the need to hide them. sorry for being so negative, but it just makes me upset.

fuck her, she is stupid.

Sorry for being blunt, but I hate people like that and I get sick of it ( there are so many people like that here in bible belt oklahoma)

I didnt say the reason she was like that was because she was "southern"
Its just Ive encountered SO much negativity towards minorities or whatever since Ive been down here.. Ive only been here a year.. and it makes me ill. Yes, I do have the option to leave.. but, my family is here.. and they are all that is important at the moment.
Where I grew up.. people were a lot more accepting of people.. so, thats why I mentioned the whole "narrow-minded" thing.
Like I said already, I can't be with someone like that because of my personal beliefs and because of the people I have cared about that she would judge without even trying to know more about them.

I would find it hard to be friends with someone who thought that way, let alone in a relationship with that person. We'd be bound to hit a snag fairly often since I have gay/bi friends and like movies with gay/bi characters.

It's pretty hard to avoid that issue in today's society, so even if she could "hold her tongue", you would KNOW she was holding her tongue. That would irritate me to no end. I'm not sure about you, but I'd end up saying, continuously, "NOW what is it?!?"

if they don't like your friends, they have to go

yah, I couldn't continue the relationship. In my mind it's not much different from being with a racist person. It would cause too many problems for me.

well, i'd say you also ought to explain to her why. i mean, you are likely not interested in attempting to convert her, etc - it would probably be extremely frustrating and possibly not at all rewarding - but if i were you, i would explain to her, something like "look, i really like you, and i would be interested in pursuing a relationship, but your homophobia really bothers me. i have several very close friends who are (insert preferred term here - gay, queer, etc), and i'd hate to feel like i'd need to choose between you." - just what i thought of off-hand, i'm sure there are better ways to put it. i mean, don't give her a lecture, just make it clear that her homophobia is the only thing stopping you from pursuing her, and why.
maybe one day she'll think back on it, and you'll have made the world a better place.

[Edited on Jan 04, 2004 by kasia]

Yeah... saying, "Bros before hos," probably wouldn't go over too well...

Why is it always the guys who start threads beginning with, "There's this girl I'm kinda seeing/going out with"?

well, I see that you have answered your own question. the negativity is so disappointing. sorry that you have to hear that all the time. you will probably eventually learn to ignore it. I think staying by your family is so cool. I wouldn't move because some people have stupid beliefs. so hold out for the gal who's not narrowminded and you're all set. good luck.

Oooooooh...can I pet the lesbians?

Girlfriends will come and go...but your friends will (almost) always be your friends. If she can't get used to it, then it's her loss.

I used to be in the same boat as she was, but now one of my best friends is gay. I've even tried to fix him up with guys. If you had told me 10 years ago I'd be doing something like that, I'd have suggested some good psychiatrists for you.

is she in high school. because the girls i knew who hated queer people were in high school.