The Smoking Gun has been known for years to publish the performance contracts of musicians, but now they have really come across a rare gem. A hotel worker leaked the Downtime Requirements of our own Vice President, Dick Cheney.

The requirements are dont paint Cheney as a diva, but a few of them are fairly telling.

The document is provided to hotels where Cheney will be bunking and lists how the Republican pol's "Downtime Suite" needs to be outfitted. While the vice president's requests are pretty modest (no extract-the-brown-M&M demands here), Cheney does like his suite at a comfy 68 degrees. And, of course, all the televisions need to be preset to the Fox News Channel (what, you thought he was a Lifetime devotee?). Decaf coffee should be ready upon his arrival along with four cans of caffeine-free Diet Sprite. And when Cheney is traveling with his wife Lynne, the second family's suite needs an additional two bottles of sparkling water. Mrs. Cheney's H2O should be either Calistoga or, curiously, Perrier, a favored beverage of French terrorism appeasers.

Jennifer Mayfield, a spokesman for Cheney commented regarding the delivery of gifts.

"The vice president doesn't solicit gifts; he doesn't accept gifts from hotels," the Cheney spokesperson said. "The vice president's advance team takes proactive steps with the hotel to ensure no gifts are given to the vice president during a visit."

Hear that, people? No gifts!

alpha_hazard

Fort Collins, CO

April 2004

MAR 26, 2006 09:08 PM

I Um...isn't sprite already caffeine free? isn't that kind of like specifying fat free air?

I just heard about this today...I wondered what Cheney would do if he went to one of those hotels where the TVs automatically go to the hotel network when turned off? Shoot someone?

Cigarette

Cleveland, OH

April 2004

MAR 26, 2006 09:17 PM

It's actually an inconvenience for the Office of the Presidency to receive a gift. If it's worth more than $100, Dick can't keep it.

(According to Title 5, Part III, Subpart F, Chapter 73, Subchapter IV, section 7342 of the US Code)

[Edited on Mar 27, 2006 by Clov]

_DictionaryGirl_

NEWSWIRE

San Diego, CA

MAR 26, 2006 09:25 PM

No drinks with flavor, naturally. Might be too exciting for his weak heart.

Now shotgun fire, on the other hand.... like music!

Hooraydiation

Boston, MA

October 2005

MAR 26, 2006 09:28 PM

_DictionaryGirl_ said:
Now shotgun fire, on the other hand.... like music!

Lulls ole' Dick to sleep.

Soothing ocean sounds are for pussies.

BlastProcessing

USA

OLD SKOOL

MAR 26, 2006 09:28 PM

_DictionaryGirl_ said:
No drinks with flavor, naturally. Might be too exciting for his weak heart.

Now shotgun fire, on the other hand.... like music!

Beer has flavor, though.

You know, you might be on to something there. Holy crap, maybe irresponsible people shouldn't drink and shoot at moving targets after all!

jaggy

Austin, TX

October 2003

MAR 26, 2006 09:28 PM

Oh he'll keep it alright, then you shoot you in the face.

baudot

Oakland, CA

February 2004

MAR 26, 2006 10:02 PM

This is quite a humble list.

Cigarette

Cleveland, OH

April 2004

MAR 26, 2006 10:07 PM

"Container for Ice (and the location of where ice maker is located)"

That's like Korn asking for "Directions to the nearest Taco Bell" in their rider.

CocoabutteR

Brooklyn, NY

March 2006

MAR 26, 2006 11:20 PM

What's not on that list is his demand of two asian male hookers and a box of "Jimmy's"

mitchclem

San Antonio, TX

August 2005

MAR 26, 2006 11:28 PM

No gifts? Too bad, I'd love to send him a COMMENT DELETED ON THE GROUNDS OF BEING UNPATRIOTIC AND POSSIBLY TERRORIST IN NATURE

Keith

Oklahoma City, OK

August 2002

MAR 26, 2006 11:36 PM

I'm sure he watches it because it's so "fair and balanced".

Soyjuice

Menlo Park, CA

August 2005

MAR 26, 2006 11:58 PM

sprite is already caffeine free