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3/27/06
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Farhaad

Farhaad

Arcadia, CA
February 2005

MAR 21, 2006 09:57 PM

It was either the first time I listened to N.W.A., or that time my brother took me along with him to sell a 20 sack. I was 7 years old.

dingoes8

dingoes8

Milwaukee, WI
March 2004

MAR 21, 2006 09:58 PM

In 6th grade, when me being goofy and friendly suddenly translated to every guy in the school calling me gay.

About 17, in the height of my depression (mostly brought about because of the first thing, go figure), crying for hours in the dark and wanting to die. With nowhere else to turn, I desperately asked god for a sign that he was there or he cared about me or something. Got nothing. I'm sure religious people will tell me that's unfair to ask, or any number of explanations. But that's my moment. It probably helped to kick me into shape, though. I'm much better now.

MessyJessy

MessyJessy

Fort Myers, FL
August 2005

MAR 21, 2006 09:59 PM

dingoes8 said:
In 6th grade, when me being goofy and friendly suddenly translated to every guy in the school calling me gay.

About 17, in the height of my depression (mostly brought about because of the first thing, go figure), crying for hours in the dark and wanting to die. With nowhere else to turn, I desperately asked god for a sign that he was there or he cared about me or something. Got nothing. I'm sure religious people will tell me that's unfair to ask, or any number of explanations. But that's my moment. It probably helped to kick me into shape, though. I'm much better now.



dude...that is sad! and we would probably have gotten along great in HS, mine was the same way frown

Blossy

Blossy

Cheyenne, WY
May 2004

MAR 21, 2006 10:32 PM

When my birth mom walked my twin brother and I into an office in Norwalk, Connecticut when we were two years old and told us that she was not going to be back. She talked with the social worker and then left as we played with toys that were in the corner of the office and then when awhile later when it got dark I stood up and toddled over looking for my mom and the lady said "Don't you remember sshe said she wasn't coming back?" I was al "no." I go back and tell my brother and we sit there in the corner some more and play with toys.

Post Script:
I found my birthdad this year and found out that she had had his parental rights tqken away and lied to his family saying she would never put us up for adoption and then two weeks after she took us back to live with her (we were living with his sister and brother-in-law with their two kids and surviving on 3.05 an hour and she was receiving welfare for three kids and only had one with her and refused to help them out and she told them she would never put us up for adoption but had needed a break) she had gotten his rights away as he was in court ordered rehab and had put us up w/out telling anyone but two of her sisters. They don't even stick up for her. I always idealized meeting her and now I know I don't want to meet her knowing that she left our older brother 6 years later, lives in the same town still as he did when he was a kid, just left him at the sitter's and never came back for him and he still sees her from time to time. She had another kid and put him up for adoption and then had another girl who she has kept. Sadly for the past 18 years she has been a crack addict so I feel badly for the girl who is maybe 12 or 15 or so.

[Edited on Mar 21, 2006 by Blossom]

Salieri

Salieri

Denmark
July 2004

MAR 21, 2006 10:39 PM

When my Grandmother tried to get me steal Alcohol from my house for her.

I was 12.

hotcurry

hotcurry

Los Angeles, CA
June 2004

MAR 21, 2006 10:45 PM

I sold it on ebay.

Phantasy

Phantasy

Australia
October 2005

MAR 21, 2006 10:51 PM

I was about 11 when I was laying in bed letting my mind wander when suddenly I just "understood" the finality of death and the inevitablity of eternal non-existence. I ran screaming out into the lounge where my parents were entertaining dinner guests. I was hysterical and inconsolable. Ever since that day I have wondered why everyone isn't running around screaming hysterically all the time.




Io

Io

USA
November 2005

MAR 21, 2006 10:54 PM

Fearing that I would not follow in his footsteps, my father raised me in a wealthy and pleasure-filled palace in order to shield me from any experience of human misery or suffering.

However, I left the palace one day and saw a sick man, a poor man, a beggar, and a corpse. I was filled with infinite sorrow for the suffering that humanity has to undergo.

Serendipity

Serendipity

SUICIDEGIRL

I'm lost

MAR 21, 2006 11:05 PM

kimberleyfantasy said:
I was about 11 when I was laying in bed letting my mind wander when suddenly I just "understood" the finality of death and the inevitablity of eternal non-existence. I ran screaming out into the lounge where my parents were entertaining dinner guests. I was hysterical and inconsolable. Ever since that day I have wondered why everyone isn't running around screaming hysterically all the time.






You should come visit my neighborhood.

Nymphetamine

Nymphetamine

Springfield, IL
November 2005

MAR 21, 2006 11:17 PM

The day I realized that trust is an illusion. I belive I was 5.

Phantasy

Phantasy

Australia
October 2005

MAR 21, 2006 11:39 PM

Serendipity said:

kimberleyfantasy said:
I was about 11 when I was laying in bed letting my mind wander when suddenly I just "understood" the finality of death and the inevitablity of eternal non-existence. I ran screaming out into the lounge where my parents were entertaining dinner guests. I was hysterical and inconsolable. Ever since that day I have wondered why everyone isn't running around screaming hysterically all the time.






You should come visit my neighborhood.



lol kiss

Jenya

Jenya

HOPEFUL

Azerbaijan

MAR 22, 2006 12:22 AM

kimberleyfantasy said:
I was about 11 when I was laying in bed letting my mind wander when suddenly I just "understood" the finality of death and the inevitablity of eternal non-existence. I ran screaming out into the lounge where my parents were entertaining dinner guests. I was hysterical and inconsolable. Ever since that day I have wondered why everyone isn't running around screaming hysterically all the time.






i often wonder the same thing....seriously

fpkk

fpkk

United Kingdom
June 2003

MAR 22, 2006 12:28 AM

God and Satan took me into their office for a meeting before I was born:

God: Hi, foppycock, I bet you're wondering why we've brought you here.
Satan: Yeah.
fpkk: Er... not really.
God: Well, as it happens the president's plane has gone down over Manhattan Island and we want you to go in and rescue him or we'll explode your veins.
Satan: Yeah.
fpkk: Are you sure that's not the plot of the as yet unmade John Carpenter cheeseball pulp Sci Fi thriller Escape From New York?
God: (shuffles papers.) Oh. Yesh. That's er... Ah, foppycock. Yes we'd like someone to go to earth and fuck shit up and bring about the apocalypse.
Satan: Yeah.
fpkk: Oh Wow! Neat!
God: Oh no, it's not you. We just brought you in here to tell you that men insert their penises into women's vaginas to make babies and there is no Santa Claus.
Satan: Yeah.
fpkk: (lip trembling) Is... is... that all?
God: What? You don't think that's enough?
Satan: Yeah.
fpkk: I suppose.
God: Right, then, toddle off and get born, there's a good chap.
Satan: Yeah.


And that's how it went down.

desidia

desidia

Reunion
September 2002

MAR 22, 2006 12:59 AM

I'd been in a deep and unrequited love for... three or years now. I was saving myself completely for this girl: virginity, first kiss, first relationship, the works. I turned down hot and/or permiscous girls all throughout hi-school for her. Eventually I got her to come to the one (and only) party at my house and proceeded to drink tequila from the bottle in order to grow courage as I was the most romantic, shy, innocent, ideal boy you could imagine. I didn't even enjoy alchohol and had been avoiding the pressure of my peers for over a year, but consumed it to become charming to my love as was an utterly retarded idea but completely sencical when you're in hi-school.

regardless, my cowardice remained stronger than my tolerance and it certainly didn't help that I was drinking tequila. from the bottle. IN A HOT TUB.

I tried and I choked and lost in the introspective nightmare I fell into, I failed to avoid the path of the party's poster girl of permiscuisity. It took seconds to register but it was still too late and her tongue had been in my mouth. My first kiss was a completely random, unimportant encounter beyond stripped of meaning for she was kissing another boy three feet from me immediately prior and and then another boy immediately afterwards.

Until that moment I was pristine and my path was straight and narrow (although difficult) but my reaction speed was too slow and I lost it, I spent most the night crying to a close friend, the only time I've ever really fucking cried.

My life was ruined. Nothing mattered anymore, within a few weeks I just let someone take my virginity because they'd been trying for months and it just didn't matter anymore.

desidia

desidia

Reunion
September 2002

MAR 22, 2006 01:06 AM

kimberleyfantasy said:
I was about 11 when I was laying in bed letting my mind wander when suddenly I just "understood" the finality of death and the inevitablity of eternal non-existence. I ran screaming out into the lounge where my parents were entertaining dinner guests. I was hysterical and inconsolable. Ever since that day I have wondered why everyone isn't running around screaming hysterically all the time.



Thats odd.. I figured that out when I was 7 or 8 but still felt innocent. In fact I think being innocent makes it easier to discover... I'll have to think on this some more.


... apon thinking on it more I disovered that eternal non-existance, wasn't inevitably going to happen but was unavoidably always... exisiting

Katrina

Katrina

SUICIDEGIRL

Sweden

MAR 22, 2006 08:04 AM

Things I thought made me loose my innocence:

- When my mum slapped me when I was five and didn't stop allthough I was crying. I told a daycare nurse and she said "Those things happen, dear".
- When my mum divorced my dad and told me about her sexlife with her new boyfriends, when I was 13. At the same time my dad cried and I tried to comfort him.
- When my dads girlfriend accused me of being a drug addict at age 15, even though I swore I've never touched anything else than alcohole. They locked me in and took away my cellphone.
- When I was totally humiliated, hurt and changed for life by my entire class by grown-up mobbing in two years at ages 17-19.

But I'm still just innocent and stupid. I trust people. I can't stop it.
(Allthough I never really trust anyone to like me for real).

Ta2dMom

Ta2dMom

Congo
October 2005

MAR 22, 2006 10:54 AM

This thread is so sad. It brought up so many of the incidents that helped shatter my innocence. I think you're all great for sharing these here. I don't even have the courage to share all of mine with my husband of almost 11 years. frown Hell, I can't even bring myself to write them down in my own journal since that would mean I'd have to find a way to come to terms with them all myself.

LokisChild

LokisChild

USA
March 2005

MAR 22, 2006 01:18 PM

-when i was about 3 or 4 and learning to write my name, my mom spanked me viciously because i had written a letter backwards. i never trusted her again.

-when i was about 8 and people in school (i went to school in a very small, closeminded town) started making fun of me because my mom was single, my sister and i have different fathers, and i don't know mine

-when i was 10, my mom took my sister and i to riverside, and i wanted this big slushy drink that probably cost 5 bucks, and my mom told me no, and i threw a fit. later that day my sister took me aside and told me that we were poor, and that mom had saved up for months just to be able to take us to the park for the day

-when i was 11 and saw my sister with slices all over her arms and legs

-the last of it went when i was 13 or so and tried to kill myself for the first time. my mom told me to suck it up, and deal with it, cus life sucked. this is when i realized that not only was my sister the favorite, but that i was a bad mistake
EL SUICIDO LOCO

Had_Matter

Had_Matter

San Francisco, CA
February 2006

MAR 22, 2006 09:29 PM

Reading this thread, I think I was born bad. I can't remember a time when I ever truly believed in Santa or god (maybe I did and I was too young to remember now), even though my parents believe in god. And my parents were very open in telling me about sex since the first time I asked about babies so I don't remember learning about that. And they got divorced when I was 3, so it was always more uncomfortable seeing them together than apart because I just didn't think they belonged together. And I was a bully all through elementary school and I'd often cry myself to sleep because I couldn't stop hurting people. As for losing your "naive and ignorant view of the world," there's always more to learn, so it follows that you'll always be ignorant of something. There are gigantic seas of pain that you will never swim in. There are atmospheres of revelation that you will never breathe.

J24U

J24U

Danvers, MA
February 2006

MAR 22, 2006 10:05 PM

LokisChild said:


-when i was 10, my mom took my sister and i to riverside, and i wanted this big slushy drink that probably cost 5 bucks, and my mom told me no, and i threw a fit. later that day my sister took me aside and told me that we were poor, and that mom had saved up for months just to be able to take us to the park for the day


Man, that one really hits home for me...

Hooraydiation

Hooraydiation

Boston, MA
October 2005

MAR 26, 2006 10:15 PM

Want some more replies...maybe?

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