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_DictionaryGirl_

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NEWS: Black Pearls, Zorro, And Lobster Fucking [2]

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NEWS: Black Pearls, Zorro, And Lobster Fucking

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jake_lex

Lexington, KY

February 2003

NOV 28, 2005 10:50 PM

CULTURE: Black Pearls, Zorro, And Lobster Fucking

The nominees for the annual Bad Sex in Fiction award are out. The list has some heavy hitters in literature on it: John Updike, Salman Rushdie, Gabriel Garcia Marquez, Paul Theroux.

But here's someone you might not have expected: Marlon Brando, in a book co-written with Donald Cammell. This might show why he didn't get much into novel writing.

In a moment Annie was on his side, Madame Lai was like a plant growing over him, and her little fist (holding the biggest black pearl) was up his asshole planting the pearl in the most appreciated place.

"Oh, Lord," he cried out. "I'm a-comin'!"

She could not answer. It is the one drawback of fellatio as conscientious as hers that it eliminates the chance for small talk and poetry alike. But nothing is exactly perfect in this life, and for Annie Doultry the delicate but firm pressure on his rear parts was in perfect harmony with the eruption of his cock. He came and he came - we are dealing with a hero here. At one point his lover backed away to inspect the unaltered gush of it, like a plumber saying to a customer, "Don't blame me. This water supply will stop when the dam's empty."

Yes, you did read that right: there is fist fucking going on in that scene.

Let's move along to Winkler by Giles Coren, following the rule of run on sentence = sexy.

And he came hard in her mouth and his dick jumped around and rattled on her teeth and he blacked out and she took his dick out of her mouth and lifted herself from his face and whipped the pillow away and he gasped and glugged at the air, and he came again so hard that his dick wrenched out of her hand and a shot of it hit him straight in the eye and stung like nothing he'd ever had in there, and he yelled with the pain, but the yell could have been anything, and as she grabbed at his dick, which was leaping around like a shower dropped in an empty bath, she scratched his back deeply with the nails of both hands and he shot three more times, in thick stripes on her chest. Like Zorro.

Umm, sure.

And, finally, in a scene that shows that just because a scene is creative or unusual, it doesn't mean that it's good. And in this scene from Lobster by Guillame Lecabsle, it appears that the lobster is the one doing the eating.

She reached the staircase and climbed the first step but the cold was numbing her mind. She fainted, upright and motionless with seawater up to her belly. Lobster swam to her purple feet. Cut off the bloodless hand with his pincers, and climbed up the inside of the leg as far as the clenched knees. He was amazed at the pleasure he felt from being held in this way. His pincers slipped between the thighs, prising them gently apart. His feelers were just able to reach the satin of the panties. They fluttered, made the labia quiver. Under the shimmering material a hint of life was returning. Angelina's thighs relaxed. Lobster pulled back his feelers. Tensed and released his tail. His strokes were fast and powerful. He was making headway. He sank himself into her warming muscles; his tail did not falter. He moved forward, a centimetre at a time. Yes! Suddenly he could see the fabric clearly, glistening, pearl-like.

You know, as many times as I've seen lobsters in that tank, I've never thought "I wonder how one of those would fuck a woman." Maybe I'm just weird like that.

Anyway, there's far more beautiful badness at the link above. Have fun.

ICY

Ireland

March 2005

NOV 28, 2005 11:07 PM

I need a shower and a time machine after reading those...

bairdduvessa

Centerville, MA

April 2005

NOV 28, 2005 11:13 PM

oh man, im not sure wether to be turned on or sick...and still be jealous that i cannot write like that

capitalistfig

Los Angeles, CA

November 2004

NOV 28, 2005 11:14 PM

Don't blame him. This sexy supply will stop when the dam's empty.

SomethingStupid

North Hollywood, CA

March 2004

NOV 28, 2005 11:15 PM

Why are we "dealing with a hero" when speaking of someone who comes a lot? I want to know that.

[Edited on Nov 28, 2005 by TedKoppel]

capitalistfig

Los Angeles, CA

November 2004

NOV 28, 2005 11:19 PM

TedKoppel said:
Why are we "dealing with a hero" when speaking of someone who comes a lot? I want to know that.

[Edited on Nov 28, 2005 by TedKoppel]

If Superman came in Lois Lane it would destroy her. I'm just saying that a lot of lesser cumming is equivalent to one uterus destorying climax, like Superman's.

SomethingStupid

North Hollywood, CA

March 2004

NOV 28, 2005 11:25 PM

capitalistfig said:

TedKoppel said:
Why are we "dealing with a hero" when speaking of someone who comes a lot? I want to know that.

[Edited on Nov 28, 2005 by TedKoppel]

If Superman came in Lois Lane it would destroy her. I'm just saying that a lot of lesser cumming is equivalent to one uterus destorying climax, like Superman's.

Nah, I think they're married these days, and no complaints. So far.

By the way, I didn't get Shalimar the Clown, but from the look of that quotation, Salman Rushdie's gone way, way downhill. I mean, his dialogue was never natural (his stories really make it impossible), but goddamn.

capitalistfig

Los Angeles, CA

November 2004

NOV 28, 2005 11:37 PM

TedKoppel said:

capitalistfig said:

TedKoppel said:
Why are we "dealing with a hero" when speaking of someone who comes a lot? I want to know that.

[Edited on Nov 28, 2005 by TedKoppel]

If Superman came in Lois Lane it would destroy her. I'm just saying that a lot of lesser cumming is equivalent to one uterus destorying climax, like Superman's.

Nah, I think they're married these days, and no complaints. So far.

By the way, I didn't get Shalimar the Clown, but from the look of that quotation, Salman Rushdie's gone way, way downhill. I mean, his dialogue was never natural (his stories really make it impossible), but goddamn.

Thank goodness for that.

And, I agree.

"You think I went to all this trouble just for a kiddie-style session of lick and suck?"

Wha?

malkav11

Saint Paul, MN

July 2003

NOV 29, 2005 12:37 AM

Ok...all of those are disturbing, but the lobster one...ewwwww.
Especially, if you read carefully...the lobster CUTS OFF HER HAND before sexifying.

alpo

Portland, OR

OLD SKOOL

NOV 29, 2005 01:13 AM

Poor Updike, to have fallen so far. Somebody needs to tell the guy it's not 1975 any more.

SomethingStupid

North Hollywood, CA

March 2004

NOV 29, 2005 01:51 AM

capitalistfig said:
"You think I went to all this trouble just for a kiddie-style session of lick and suck?"

Wha?

I thought, "' ... Let's, you know, caress each other in five places and kiss in seven ways and make out in nine positions, but let's not get carried away'" was even worse. Those are oddly specific numbers, aren't they? What if they lose count???

[Edited on Nov 29, 2005 by TedKoppel]

bigjimmctagert

San Diego, CA

September 2005

NOV 29, 2005 02:16 AM

well, I once read a news story about a shoplifter who snuck a grocery store lobster into his pants and got his penis snipped off. Hope its not true and I hope they didnt put the lobster back in the tank. I understand the shoplifter gushed like a hero.

sickboyedd

United Kingdom

January 2004

NOV 29, 2005 02:37 AM

I tried sex with a lobster once, but I only managed to catch crabs in the end...

sorry

sunheart

Salem, OR

April 2005

NOV 29, 2005 04:18 AM

I think there was an Issue of Bondage Fairies where they were screwing a crawfish.. thats close.

figures a hentai did it first. Yike...

*reads the entries*

Tally ho?

WTF? Who the hell says "tally ho" while fucking?

[Edited on Nov 29, 2005 4:28AM]

crackedhead

San Jose, CA

September 2004

NOV 29, 2005 04:32 AM

I am 100% serious when I say that I found that shit both dreadful and riveting. And sadly, hilarious.

swingkitten

Portland, OR

OLD SKOOL

NOV 29, 2005 04:39 AM

Jesus christ.

Just... yeah.

[Edited on Nov 29, 2005 by swingkitten]

swingkitten

Portland, OR

OLD SKOOL

NOV 29, 2005 04:42 AM

With a practiced flick of the wrist designed for heavier work, he eased the cheongsam's slit wider to expose the entire butterball thigh. Without perceptible movement, her legs were now definitely farther apart, and their musculature was unresistant and frothy, as if they were no longer bearing her weight. In a sense, she seemed to float upon the musty air like an arrangement of balloons. Evidently the dexterous licking of the inside of her left knee was contributing to her support, as it would soon to her downfall.

I think I just came.

Blueberries

I'm lost

September 2005

NOV 29, 2005 04:58 AM

*blinks*

Oh wow. Just...there are no words at the moment. WOW.

(edited because I fucked up the italics)

[Edited on Nov 29, 2005 by Avivah]

MK47

United Kingdom

March 2005

NOV 29, 2005 05:47 AM

genious!

_Sarah_

Kalamazoo, MI

January 2003

NOV 29, 2005 06:09 AM

What.

The hell.

Anton

Australia

September 2003

NOV 29, 2005 06:14 AM

"Ooh-la-la!" she breathed as he smelt the clean aroma of her short bobbed hair and the rain-sodden grass around it. "Oooh-la-jolly well-la!"

And so they made love together in the pouring rain, with Nurse Murray emitting a stream of girlish exclamations which seemed to indicate that she was enjoying herself. "Gosh", "Golly" and, as things moved towards a conclusion, even "Tally ho!"

Tally ho?! No one says that. Ever.

Telltale

USA

May 2004

NOV 29, 2005 08:39 AM

How the fuck do things like this get published?

Roethke

SUICIDEGIRL

California, USA

NOV 29, 2005 08:46 AM

"Manhood"? Whenever I see a penis referred to as "manhood," I know I'm being cultured.

Iseult

United Kingdom

September 2005

NOV 29, 2005 08:53 AM

I never cease to be amazed by what some people find a turn-on...

pearldiver

San Antonio, TX

November 2005

NOV 29, 2005 10:12 AM

Literature often contains the oss - the obligatory sex scene. But unfortunately, like James Bond, the tendency is to "do it up one better than the last time", and thus end up with something that has no semblance to any reality. But really. Come on, a lobster? Eating a lobster is one thing. But fucking one? I don't think so.

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