cheer me the fuck up

DOODIE!!!

John Kerry walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face?"

A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables. The bartender says, "You can come in, but don't start anything!"

A man walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer before problems start!" Again, the man orders a beer again saying, "Give me a beer before problems start!" The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man "When are you going to pay for these beers?" The man answers, "Now the problems start!"

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender sets the beer down and says, "For you, no charge!"

A woman goes into a bar and asks for a "double entendre". So the bartender gave her one.

A pig goes into a bar and orders ten drinks. He finishes them up and the bartender says, "Don't you need to know where the bathroom is?" The pig says, "No, I go wee wee all the way home."

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road."

A penguin walks into a bar, goes to the counter, and asks the bartender, "Have you seen my brother?" The bartender asks, "I don't know, what does he look like?"

A kangaroo walks into a bar. He orders a beer. The bartender says, "That'll be $10. You know, we don't get many kangaroos coming in here, you know." The kangaroo says, "At $10 a beer, it's not hard to understand."

A termite walks into a barroom and asks, "Where's the bartender?"

A hamburger walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."

A dog with his leg wrapped in bandages hobbles into a saloon. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm lookin' fer the man that shot my paw."

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "So, why the long face?"

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and hears a small voice say, "You look nice today." A few minutes later he again hears a small voice, "That's a nice shirt." The guy asks the bartender, "Who is that?" The bartender says, "Those are the peanuts. They're complimentary!"

A baby seal walks into a bar. "What can I get you?" asks the bartender. "Anything but a Canadian Club," replies the seal.

A bear walked into a bar and says, "I'll have a beer......and some of those peanuts." The bartender says, "Why the big pause?"

Celine Dion walks into a bar. The bartender says, "So, why the long face?"

A drunk stammers out of a bar and runs right into two priests. He says, "I'm Jesus Christ." The first priest says, "No, son, you're not." So the drunk says it to the second priest. The second priest says, "No, son, you're not." The drunk says, "Look, I can prove it." He walks back into the bar with the two priests. The bartender takes one look at the drunk and exclaims, "Jesus Christ, you're here again?"

A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, "You're quite a celebrity around here. We've even got a drink named after you." The grasshopper says, "You've got a drink named Steve?"

A goldfish walks into a bar and looks at the bartender. The bartender asks, "What can I get you?" The goldfish says, "Water."

Shakespeare walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. "I can't serve you." says the bartender. "You're Bard!"

A man walks into a bar and sits down next to a lady and a dog. The man asks, "Does your dog bite?". The lady answers, "Never!" The man reaches out to pet the dog and the dog bites him. The man says, "I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" The woman replies, "He doesn't. This isn't my dog."

A guy walks into a bar and there is a horse behind the bar serving drinks. The guy is just staring at the horse, when the horse says, "What are you staring at? Haven't you ever seen a horse serving drinks before?" The guy says, "No, I never thought the parrot would sell the place."

A cowboy walks into a bar. Upon leaving, he realizes that someone has painted his horse. The cowboy yells, "Which one of you painted my horse?" A seven foot tall hulk of a man says, menacingly, "I did." The cowboy realizes he is in trouble and replies, "Why, thank you - the first coat's dry!"

A man walks into a bar with a dog. The bartender says, "Hey buddy, can't you read that sign? It says no dogs allowed! Get that mutt out of here!" The man replies, "No, I can't read the sign - I'm blind, and this is my seeing eye dog." The bartender is embarrassed and gives the man a beer on the house. Later that day, the guy is telling his friend about it: "I told him I was blind and I got a free beer!" The friend then takes his dog into the bar and sits down, and the bartender says, "The sign says no dogs allowed! You'll have to leave!" The friend says, "Sorry, I can't see the sign because I'm blind, and this is my seeing eye dog." The bartender replies, "Since when do they give out Chihuahuas as seeing eye dogs?" The man says, "They gave me a Chihuahua?"

A giraffe walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face?" (This joke never gets old)

A man walked into a bar holding an alligator. He asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?" The bartender said, "Yes, we do!" "Good," replied the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my alligator."

A little guy walks into a bar and slips on some vomit. Minutes later a tough guy walks into the bar and slips on the vomit as well. The little guy says, "I just did that." The big guy then beats the little guy up.

A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Gimme a beer, and a mop."

A polar bear, a giraffe and a penguin walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"

This thread may help.

How many Freudian analysts does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to hold the light bulb, and another to turn the penis. Er, I mean mother. LADDER! I meant to say ladder.

ok, you ready??


2 guys walk into a bar.......


and you wouldve thought that one of them saw it!!!!!


Get It!?!??!!?

Booooooooooooooooooo! *throws fruit*

Ques-que c'est "barroom?"

Diarrhea

HAW HAW HAW!!! *claps hands*

Now THAT'S funny.

How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Soup.

I found 'A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Gimme a beer, and a mop."' incredibly funny. Incredibly.

How about THIS:

Mighty hugs.

Plumber comes to the house, fixes the pipes, hands the guy the bill. The guy says, "$150 an hour! I don't make that, and I'm a lawyer!" Plumber says, "Yeah, I know. I didn't make that when I was a lawyer either."

Best I can do.

http://www.andyrunton.com/fcbd/index.html

Greatest. Joke. Ever.

Always has been, always will be.

An engineer dies and goes to the pearly gates to recieve his judgement. Peter say's you've been a bad man, you'll have to go to hell.

He arrives in hell to find he doesn't like it very much.

He say's to himself, I think i'll build myself an air conditioner.
So he gathers some things and builds an air conditioner!

Much better he say's. But I don't think i'm happy yet.
so he say's to himself I think I'll build a pool!

He gathers some things and builds a pool!
Much better he say's, but something is still missing.

He say's to himself I think I'll build myself a snow cone machine!
He gathers some things and builds a snow cone machine.

PERFECT he say's, Now it's nice and cool, there is a nice pool to swim in and I've got all the snow cone's i'll ever want!

So the devil and the engineer have a big party with all the satan's spawns!
One day God call's down to see how Satan is doing.

God: so satan, how is it in Hell?!?! HAHAHAHA
Devil: It's great, we got this engineer down here, he built an air conditioner, a pool and a Snow cone machine!!!
God: What?! Wait, who's this guy, he's not supposed to be down there, Send him up right away!
Satan: No way, you send him down here no go leak off!
God: But But..
Satan: I said LEAK OFF!
God: But! If you don't send him back here I'm going to Sue you!!!!
Satan: O yea, Where you gonna find a lawyer?

..........................................

When I think about you I touch myself...

Q: How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb?


A: LETS RIDE BIKES!

Sorry, I'm not very funny. But I can do cute, if that helps at all...

im not funny... so i cant help. but i do hope you are feeling better

(i should not be allowed to have pets