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Mallory

Mallory

SUICIDEGIRL

Connecticut, USA

AUG 08, 2005 06:47 PM

im sure that some of you are like me..
and you read Craigslist for fun..
i do it at work because i usually have alot of free time on my hands..
i came across this one on saturday and honestly its the LONGEST and most ridiculous one ive ever read.... if you want to read the full article or view the person that placed the ad go here:
I am a damn good choice for a boyfriend

Here is part of the ad:


Oh yeah, and I love sex.

I've been in 4 sexual relationships, and have never done anything dangerous or been with anyone unsafe. I am as clean as they come, and am still learning what it takes to please a woman, as you are all different. I love going down on you, tasting you and kissing your thighs, as your hands run through my hair pulling my face and tongue closer and deeper. I love to start off by making out, gently licking and nibbling on your earlobes, licking your neck and collar bone, licking your nipples, making my way down. I love running my hands over your body, feeling your chest rise and fall and looking into your eyes to know when I've found a nice spot. I love knowing what turns a girl on, just by watching. I love hearing your moans and muffled gasps, seeing a smile turn into a mischievous grin. I love bringing you to orgasm, seeing if I can go double or nothing and then watching your entire body jerk and relax with each one. I've become quite skilled at having a long tongue, and knowing how to use it.

TheFuckOffKid

TheFuckOffKid

NEWSWIRE

Australia

AUG 08, 2005 06:51 PM

I wish I lived in Philadelphia. I want me one of him.

Cash

Cash

USA
OLD SKOOL

AUG 08, 2005 06:53 PM





I trim "down there" and hope you do too.



Down there? As in...your toes? confused

toothpickmoe

toothpickmoe

Los Angeles, CA
May 2004

AUG 08, 2005 06:56 PM

Soda_Pop

Soda_Pop

San Antonio, TX
February 2004

AUG 08, 2005 08:19 PM

boy scouts son....its all about the boy scouts ...

Subrosa

Subrosa

San Francisco, CA
July 2004

AUG 08, 2005 10:24 PM

My favorite CL ad was titled something to the effect of:

SWM Just Looking For Hot Pussy to Fuck (Females Only).

SovietCanada

sovietcanada

Montreal, QC
February 2005

AUG 08, 2005 10:27 PM

For the record, Collegeville is a ways from Camden.

TheFuckOffKid

TheFuckOffKid

NEWSWIRE

Australia

AUG 08, 2005 11:18 PM

Subrosa said:
My favorite CL ad was titled something to the effect of:

SWM Just Looking For Hot Pussy to Fuck (Females Only).


Well of course. You don't want overheated felines answering.

Trucker_Fiction

Trucker_Fiction

Normal, IL
December 2003

AUG 08, 2005 11:25 PM

right here:

I NEED TO REPLACE MY GIRLFRIEND!!

I have been with girl a month and she has just crossed the line. Besides her lovely habit of following me around like a puppy dog all the time. She likes to talk to me until my eardrum bleeds. Bleeds! This non-stop yammering takes place:
In the car when I want to listen to Stern.
Forget watching O’Reilly Factor, I get the Donna factor.
Sleep in till 8am, not when Donna gets up at 5:00 am.
At work, she likes to call 5 times a day.
On the computer, She got my email address!
I can’t get away. Now she is dropping the L-bomb on me after 30 days and getting way too comfortable with me. Not 30 day behavior… not 30 month behavior. I am ready to move out of state.

Yesterday Morning 05:00hrs (5am)
I cuddled snug and warm in my bed with lovely dreams of sugarplumbs prancing in my head.

The bitch comes bursting in the room screaming and throwing the lights on. I shoot straight up wide-awake from a deep sleep. Pair of sweat pants comes flying at my head and without even thinking I grab them and fling them on. “What happened!” I think someone died or someone is crawling through a window or Jesus himself is sitting on the couch.
“There’s bug in my bathroooooom!!!” She screams all dramatic.
I flung the pants off on to the dresser, said something nasty, and tried to go back to bed with a racing heart. I should have thrown that bug on her.

The Last Straw
I’m taking a hot steamy shower last night. Trying to enjoy the hot water and relative peace only a hot shower can provide. Donna is the bathroom yammering about work or something. Unconsciously, I just say “uh huh, really, that sucks, get out of here” while secretly just trying to enjoy my shower. But I can’t enjoy. My eardrums are bleeding. Every time this girl walks into the room my ear drums recoil like a puppy that’s about to get hit.
“but that’s not MY job. I told the bitch that yesterday. You make your own copies…”
Then something strange happened. My eyes started to water. My face started to cringe and the temperature just raised ten degrees. I was getting dizzy and nauseous all at the same time. I stepped back from the hot steamy water and my knees buckled! As I opened the curtain the room rotated in slow motion on its axis as the walls breathed it was like acid flashback gone bad. The pungent aroma of ammonia, eggs and dead chicken choked me. Her voice melted into low toned, inaudible, blur.
“Maaaaaaaake yourrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr ownnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn coppieessssssssssss”
I started to panic. I think I’m dying. The bitch has done it. She FINALLY talked me to death. Then a light went off in my head. I’m not dying…
“Did you just break wind in here?”
“Yea Sorry. Anyway, so I told my boss I am not the devtel.net slave anymore…”
Yea sorry? The bitch made my knees buckle! This was no normal gas. This was chemical weapons quality. Saddam Hussein himself would be like “Don’t use that shit, thats just wrong” The fucked up part is that if you know that your gas is that potent, wouldn’t leave a small enclosed area to do it. She has known me for a month, how can she be that comfortable? I don’t even take shits when she around never mind drop bombs like that. If we were married for a year and she did that I would get a divorce. Judge would be like “That sick bitch did WHAT!” But this doesn’t occur to her.
“You know I can’t have sex with you anymore”
“Yes you will anyway about work...”

I Tried But I Can’t Do It
It just keeps staring at me. I am trying to fuck this girl doggy-style but I can’t stay hard. It just keeps looking at me. I can’t concentrate. All I can think about is the little red Cyclops asshole looking at me. It’s like that burning evil red-eye of Sauron in Lord of the Rings. There’s no getting away. Where ever I go it can see me.
“Fuck me harder, harder, your so good, I luvvvv you”
My dick getting softer, I can’t perform. I look down. It’s still there.
“Harder, Harder, fuck me, harder, oh baby”
She wants me to fuck her harder? What if something bad happens? I am kind of afraid to be pushing on her down there now. Those intestines are probaly brewing something horrible right now. Her ass is pointing right at me. It’s like looking down the barrel of a gun with Michael J Fox on the trigger.
I give her one big thrust. The bed jerks and makes loud chirp. I leap from her like a soldier diving on a grenade. I didn’t know whether I should stop drop and roll or hide under the desk like a WWII bomb drill.
“It was just the bed silly”
I wasn’t taking chances.

Please save me.

Rebel

Rebel

Simi Valley, CA
March 2005

AUG 09, 2005 12:01 AM

^^^That was the best laugh Ive had today. biggrin

cretinfamily

cretinfamily

Tulsa, OK
March 2005

AUG 09, 2005 12:05 AM

little_pistol said:
^^^That was the best laugh Ive had today. biggrin


yes...that made me laugh quite hard

Walker

Walker

Redmond, OR
March 2005

AUG 09, 2005 12:07 AM

That was good for a laugh.

leiraXariel

leiraXariel

Eugene, OR
December 2004

AUG 09, 2005 12:07 AM

Oh god, I just died laughing biggrin

Rebel

Rebel

Simi Valley, CA
March 2005

AUG 09, 2005 12:17 AM

FrankMask

FrankMask

Saint Paul, MN
June 2003

AUG 09, 2005 12:19 AM

Any ad advertising a job. What language do they write those things in?

_DictionaryGirl_

_DictionaryGirl_

NEWSWIRE

San Diego, CA

AUG 09, 2005 12:58 AM

Interesting things here in San Diego.

First we have a girl selling colorful stamp prints of her girly bits because she wants to share her eroticism directly without sex.

Then, of course, the naked butler. Awesome.

zeke_the_plumber

zeke_the_plumber

Seattle, WA
June 2004

AUG 09, 2005 03:26 AM

Eddie

Eddie

SUICIDEGIRL

British Columbia, Canada

AUG 09, 2005 04:06 AM

the one Trucker_Fiction posted made me think...

"if yours ears are bleeding you better get to the hospital quick.. that's not normal!"

Mallory

Mallory

SUICIDEGIRL

Connecticut, USA

AUG 09, 2005 06:24 AM

Full-body massage and a finger fucking for you tonight

heres a snippet:
I’ll then begin working around your thighs and ass. I’ll massage slowly with oil and allow my hands to glide over you. Then, I’ll slowly (and slightly) spread your legs apart to allow me to work your inner thighs. I’ll push your ass up just a bit so that you’re slightly arched. I’ll then reach up underneath you and begin to rub your pussy. I’ll rub and massage your clit softly. While doing this, I’ll begin to rub around your ass and lower back – pushing a very well lubed finger in your ass.


who fucking says this and is serious?


[Edited on Aug 09, 2005 by Mallory]

Lior

Lior

United Kingdom
August 2005

AUG 09, 2005 06:27 AM

Mallory said:
Full-body massage and a finger fucking for you tonight

heres a snippet:
I’ll then begin working around your thighs and ass. I’ll massage slowly with oil and allow my hands to glide over you. Then, I’ll slowly (and slightly) spread your legs apart to allow me to work your inner thighs. I’ll push your ass up just a bit so that you’re slightly arched. I’ll then reach up underneath you and begin to rub your pussy. I’ll rub and massage your clit softly. While doing this, I’ll begin to rub around your ass and lower back – pushing a very well lubed finger in your ass.


who fucking says this and is serious?


[Edited on Aug 09, 2005 by Mallory]




I dont know if i want to laugh or vomit.....


puke

euphoric_hell

euphoric_hell

Twin Falls, ID
December 2004

AUG 09, 2005 06:38 AM

Hello ladies,
I spoke recently with a friend of mine and we had a debate about whether it would hurt or not to get kicked in the nuts barefoot by a woman. I honestly don't think it would, so I am presenting a challenge to any woman in the Boise area between the ages of 18-35, must be under 200lbs and at least somewhat attractive. I am 24 years old, 5'11, brown hair, brown eyes, tan 164lbs. Alright heres the challenge....if you kick me and I fall down, you get 100 dollars plus a free dinner at a restaurant of your choice, if I don't fall down you still get a free dinner if you're cute. smile Let me know if you are interested. Ciao!

Mallory

Mallory

SUICIDEGIRL

Connecticut, USA

AUG 09, 2005 08:30 AM

_DictionaryGirl_ said:
Interesting things here in San Diego.

First we have a girl selling colorful stamp prints of her girly bits because she wants to share her eroticism directly without sex.

Then, of course, the naked butler. Awesome.



that is fucking ridiculous..

_DictionaryGirl_

_DictionaryGirl_

NEWSWIRE

San Diego, CA

AUG 09, 2005 08:43 AM

Mallory said:
Full-body massage and a finger fucking for you tonight

heres a snippet:
I’ll then begin working around your thighs and ass. I’ll massage slowly with oil and allow my hands to glide over you. Then, I’ll slowly (and slightly) spread your legs apart to allow me to work your inner thighs. I’ll push your ass up just a bit so that you’re slightly arched. I’ll then reach up underneath you and begin to rub your pussy. I’ll rub and massage your clit softly. While doing this, I’ll begin to rub around your ass and lower back – pushing a very well lubed finger in your ass.


who fucking says this and is serious?


[Edited on Aug 09, 2005 by Mallory]



Wowwww.... people are much more verbose in PA than they are out here. surreal

marquisdivin

marquisdivin

Berkeley, CA
December 2004

AUG 09, 2005 09:31 AM

Mallory said:
Full-body massage and a finger fucking for you tonight

heres a snippet:
I’ll then begin working around your thighs and ass. I’ll massage slowly with oil and allow my hands to glide over you. Then, I’ll slowly (and slightly) spread your legs apart to allow me to work your inner thighs. I’ll push your ass up just a bit so that you’re slightly arched. I’ll then reach up underneath you and begin to rub your pussy. I’ll rub and massage your clit softly. While doing this, I’ll begin to rub around your ass and lower back – pushing a very well lubed finger in your ass.


who fucking says this and is serious?


[Edited on Aug 09, 2005 by Mallory]



i'll have you know i got a lot of responses to that ad!


















































biggrin

baby_donut

baby_donut

Hamden, CT
June 2005

AUG 09, 2005 09:46 AM

I like the ones that are not even that sexual...my favorite: she shit on my dog

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