NEWS: Here Be Monsters (and Insurance Against Them):

CULTURE: Here Be Monsters (and Insurance Against Them):

If you plan to compete in the upcoming Visit Scotland Adventure Triathlon later this month, don’t forget to get some sea monster insurance.

NIG, an insurance company that is part of the Royal Bank of Scotland, is offering competing athletes such a comprehensive insurance policy. The company promises to pay competitors swimming in Urquhart Bay $1,750,000 US should they be attacked by Nessie, the infamous Loch Ness monster rumored to haunt its waters.

The event will be held on July 23. It includes a mile-long swim (1,500 m) in the Loch in the morning, a 12 mile (19 km) mountain bike run in the afternoon, and a 6 mile (10 km) foot race at night.

Flashback to Napoleon's Current Events. Awesome.

Oh, wow. I guess I'll be competing after all.

"and why did you lose the race sir?"

"well, y'see, I was actually attacked by the Loch Ness Monster... shot my time to shit."

"oh, dear. that is terrible."

"actually, no. i was thoughtful enough to get monster insurance beforehand, so i actually came out ahead on this one."

"oh, well good for you."

Alright, boys, I'll be needs two hundred gallons of shark paint, two thousand black pipe cleaners, and a bull shark.

We're going to make us a Nessie.

What?! It has to be by "the" Loch Ness Monster. So if you are attacked by a monster from a different loch you are completely without coverage. I find that to be ridiculous. Not to mention really hard to prove. Like the time I tried to get reimbursement for my alien abduction policy. When I tried to prove it by showing them the damage induced by the anal probe they kicked me out of their office and dropped me from the plan.

Only a madman would swim in Loch Ness - it's huge and freezing. Nevermind the monster. Hypothermia is no fun.

Damn fucking straight.

Tell me about it. What if it's just another monster vacationing in the loch? What if the Kraken is just in for the weekend and decided to drop by, and eats half the contestants. Are they still covered?

I would think that if you were legitimately attacked by Nessie, and had enough evidence to prove your claim to an insurance company, you wouldn't need an insurance settlement. You'd be getting paid for your story from every single media outlet on the planet. Nice scam, though.

And dont forget to visit Urquhart castle while you are there.

I Wonder if Urquhart's get in for free

ah, NIG...not to be confused with ING.

that kraken really gets me going.