How many 5 year olds could YOU take?

FridgeMagnet said:
Skinny guys fight till they're hamburger.

Sally

Height: 3'7"
Weight: 47 lbs.
Strengths: Biting, Ear-Piercing Shriek
Weaknesses: Food
RT's Analysis: Those pre-K latchkey years of munching on Hot Pockets and jerky watching Dora The Explorer might pay off for little Sally, as this bitch looks like she could rip my gonads off with one bite from those jagged little fangs. Alas, her hunger will be her downfall. I'll distract her by pulling out a pack of Starburst from my pocket, and while she reaches for the candy, I'll lung kick her in the solar plexus and, with any luck, paralyze this little cunt for life.


Pierre

Height: 3'5"
Weight: 41 lbs.
Strengths: Musical Theatre
Weaknesses: Musical Theatre
RT's Analysis: Pierre is a piece of fucking cake. Once he's on the attack, I'll either engage him in a lively debate on whether or not Mamma Mia! counts as a real musical or show him my dick. Distracted, he'll be left open to a punishing palm strike to the larynx that'll knock his queer head back like a fucking Pez dispenser. Boo-ya, Pierre!


Morgan

Height: 3'6"
Weight: 40 lbs.
Strengths: Deception, Betrayal
Weaknesses: Vanity
RT's Analysis: Morgan poses the first real threat of the pre-K battle royale. Cunning to the end, she's the type of gal that'll ask you to be her boyfriend on the basketball courts during recess, only to humiliate you by writing you off in her Slam Book just an hour later. The best strategy against Morgan is to let her win for a little bit; take a couple of rabid punches and let her think she's got the upper hand. Then, talk to her about how pretty she is and what kind of cereal she likes. Once she gets comfortable, a swift kick to the kneecap will bring her, and her hopes of ballet on the professional stage, tumbling down. Fuck you, bitch.


Martin

Height: 3'9"
Weight: 49 lbs.
Strengths: Intellect, Hand To Hand Combat
Weaknesses: None
RT's Analysis: I can't get a fucking read on Martin. He's a goddamned enigma. It will be a fight for the ages. But know this friend: If I'm there and I gotta put you away, I won't like it. But I'll tell you, if it's between you, and some poor bastard who's wife you're gonna turn into a widow -- brother, you are going down.


Francis

Height: 3'9"
Weight: 45 lbs.
Strengths: Unpredictability
Weaknesses: Bipolar, Stamina
RT's Analysis: Francis is a fucking psycho. He'll come out of the gate swinging hard, but after a few minutes I'll bet his Bipolar will take him off the deep end, and he'll start taking punches at his imaginary friend Satchmo. At this point, a crane kick to the base of the skull should crush Francis like a hot M&M.


Denny

Height: 3'4"
Weight: 29 lbs.
Strengths: Flexible
Weaknesses: Malnourished, Dumb As A Fucking Hammer
RT's Analysis: Denny is a twerp and he's built like a Barbie doll. If he's not shitting in his pants after the first five knife hand strikes to the bridge of his nose, he will be when I disembowel him with my other hand. Denny's going down first, and he's going down hard.


Cynamin

Height: 3'6"
Weight: 35 lbs.
Strengths: Cute As A Button
Weaknesses: Avarice
RT's Analysis: Cynamin is a stripper in the making, and she already knows how to use her feminine wiles, even at such a young age. Fortunately, she's also a materialistic cunt and her pre-K poontang does nothing for me. In the middle of her sales pitch, I'll pull her hair so hard it'll rip off her scalp. Stunned, I'll immediately administer the sleeper hold on her. For the finishing touch, I'll stuff a hundred dollar bill down her throat, Ted DiBiase style. No more lap dances for you, whore.


Chaise

Height: 3'4"
Weight: 30 lbs.
Strengths: None
Weaknesses: Numerous
RT's Analysis: Like his name implies, Chaise is a real pussy. If I can't knock him down by simply staring at him, I'll forfeit this fucking fight on general principle.


Brittany

Height: 3'6"
Weight: 35 lbs.
Strengths: Annoying As Fuck
Weaknesses: Big Ears
RT's Analysis: Brittany is the kind of girl who'll never get fucked without paying for it. To compensate emotionally, she strives to make your life a living fucking hell regardless of whether you deserve it or not. While this makes her a formidable opponent, the rage she'll inspire in a man three times her size will make this a death match for her. As she charges towards me, I'll grab her by her Dumbo ear, lift her up with one hand, crush her larynx like a soy bean, and toss her lifeless body aside like an origami dildo. And. I'll. Savor. Every. Fucking. Second. Of. It.


Brent

Height: 4'0"
Weight: 42 lbs.
Strengths: Size, Genius Level Intellect
Weaknesses: Insecurity, Premature Acne
RT's Analysis: Brent is the undisputed Hitler of this little melee, directing his classmates against me like a kindergarten Bobby Fischer on a chessboard of death. I'll have to hit him at his core: his fucking zits. Perhaps play on the fact that Cynamin will never fuck him, no matter how smart he is, until he starts to lose control with anger. Once offset, a reverse ridge hand strike to the neck is the only option. Otherwise, if Brent gets his bearings back, I might be a fucking goner.


Aspen

Height: 3'7"
Weight: 34 lbs.
Strengths: Jewish
Weaknesses: Lazy
RT's Analysis: This little bitch looks like a Bonsai Sarah Jessica Parker, which might normally give me all the desire I need to beat her into orange pulp. However, she's a Jew, so she's got God and history on her side. No matter, though. I'll wait her out, Evander Holyfield style, until she gets bored and starts checking her email on her Blackberry. A back fist strike should be all I need to knock this little JAP out until Passover.


Asa

Height: 4'3"
Weight: 46 lbs.
Strengths: Tenacity, Venomous Anger
Weaknesses: ADD
RT's Analysis: I don't like you, Asa. You're a piece of shit punk who'll probably end up coasting through life, inheriting Daddy's Ford dealership, marrying a woman whom you'll beat and having four kids whom you'll loathe like homeless Chinamen, all while developing a nasty addiction to cocaine and fucking underrage junior high school girls along the way. But, pieces of shit like you don't stop until they consume everything in their path, and right now, that's me. I foresee a great struggle, coming to an end with me resorting to pulling out a strobe light keychain to induce an epileptic seizure you're susceptible to after years of watching Pokemon and being ignored by your parents. Serves you right, you little shit.


Spence

Height: 3'9"
Weight: 50 lbs.
Strengths: Courage, Honor
Weaknesses: Candy Bars
RT's Analysis: And so it all comes down to you and me, Spence. I honor you like the great champion I know you to be. You will be tough to bring down, nearly impossible. Like Rocky Balboa, your indomitable willpower will fly in the face of physics, allowing you to stand when you should be dead from the punishing power of repeated fist hammerings to the face. Much akin to the saga of David vs. Goliath, your wiliness and courage in the face of insurmountable odds will bring me to my knees. Then, while I'm on my knees, I'll pull out a Twix and hand it to you. And you will eat it. And then I will pull out a Snickers bar. You'll eat that too. And then I will take you by your fat fucking face, rip out your eyeballs, and piss on your brain, you lardass waste of a human life.

emilyrocks said:
yeesh my cousin can almost take me down. he's 6. he used to be five and that kid can totally take me.