I hit my goddamn head

It's so late for that.

I say forget the band aids and whatnot.
Now seems like a good time to continue practicing acrobatics in cramped spaces. Have you tried actually hurtling the baby gate? What about a back handspring over it? Or maybe, since you don't want to leave your room, you could try a back flipping double pike off your bed into a damp rag. That might help. Whatever you do, just don't stop ingesting the alcohol.

pfft.
guy sounds like a square.

glad to see that you are not in a coma

Orange sheets here