I'm So Very Alone

Hey people... its me... Lain... yeah hi whats up.

Im in a depressed mood....

I have just come to realize that I am alone in New York. Outside my girlfriend... I am alone.

It sucks.

When I'm not with her.. I do nothing.... I know this should be a journal entry.... but fuck it.... im posting this in the boards... cause well... Maybe more people will see it.

I get out... Alot... but I avoid everyone around me. Those of you who have met me... Im pretty outgoing, abnoxious.... and where my crazy on the outside. Underneath it all though I'm screaming out to the world
"IM FUCKING MISUNDERSTOOD! I HAVE NOONE!"

Its also come to my attention that I feel I have to make other people feel good to ultimately feel good about myself... But in the end I neglect my real needs and emotions as a person and go to sleep at night in tears over my life. I have a loving girl... at least I think I do. I love her to death... But I cant tell her these things. I dont know why...

Im pouring out to all of you. I havent slept last night. I woke up at 3:30 crying... something I never do. I havent eaten... i cant bring myself to eat... I havent heard from my girl from last night at 8:30....

You know... deep down inside... behind all the comments and people I wind up pissing off, behind how cheerful and happy off the wall I may seem....... there is a very very sad little boy.... who wants nothign more to be loved by someone... (i just starting crying.... fuck... whats happening to me). I dont really mean what I do to people... its just a way to make myself feel better... i know its very cruel.... Im at the end of my rope...

I koiw i should of posted this in the advice collum... or in my journal... but this had to be said now...


All I want to do is go cry in a corner somewhere.....

You know.. sometimes I wish.. I really wish.. i was 10 years old again... and could go running into my mother arms and everything be ok.... my Mommy is 1300 miles away... I want nothing more than to go home.

someone... if anyone.... understand me.

Pouring his tears all over the internet.
-Lain


[Edited on Jan 15, 2005 by Lain]

wow. must be something in the air...I am like that too

EXCEPT the girl I REALLY like has no interest in me....

it's just a feeling, and it will pass. really though, nothing like a good breakdown to get it all out of your system. i'm not much on advice. getting depressed and having the occasional existential crisis just means that you're a real person, like the rest of us. i hope it gets better for you quickly.

I think that most of us feel this way at certain times throughout our lives. I felt the EXACT same way about 2 years ago. Time healed me, time and introspection.

I'm alone too I'm single and I've been single for way too long

Big hugs just aren't the same online, but you know you've got all of ours
There are all kinds of reasons to feel the way you do. (We all do from time to time.)
Really, though, get something in your stomach. Let your body pour some of this anxious energy into metabolism.
C'mon, let's get you some pancakes.

Maybe He can help..
Seriously, we've all felt this way at somepoint. Hope all works out. I've heard nothing , but good things about you. Best of luck.

aww, poor guy. we all feel like that sometimes. I bet lots of people think you're silly all the time and expect that, due to the tacks and all. It's totally important that you actually are getting it out, cause it is less healthy to deny and hold it it. good for you.

if you want to love someone, do it, let yourself love. and why not? cry and what ever. if you miss your mom, call her cause us moms love that. and if you tell her you miss her, her reaction might make you feel pretty good.

much hugs to a guy feeling down.

im not in the mood to eat.. im hungry... but would wind up choking it all down...

Right there with ya man! Just got out of a relationship of which I couldn't express what I felt inside for a long time. I do the same with people around me to, talk, mingle, laugh, joke... whatever, but it's meaningless sometimes. I usually come off thinking that was a pointless conversation and why did I even waste my breath.

Anyways, cheer up! Go out and do something you enjoy, even if it is by yourself. Just don't sit at home diving into song lyrics and watching garden state like me.

Theres nothing more I want to do right now then to hold her in my arms. Its the only thing I want to do.

damn... you sound like me, but i`m like that about once a year. i`m not sure what brings it on, but it never fails. i know that when i`m like that, nothing can put me in a good mood. good for you for getting it out though. that`s something i never have the guts to do. i just sit in my apartment and sulk for weeks,and don`t talk to anyone.

the only thing i can say, is that it will pass with time. and don`t force yourself to eat if you don`t think you can, you`ll just get sick.... i learned that the hard way... many times. i don`t catch on all that quick.

It sucks to live in a black hole like that, but the upside is that about 60-80% of the experience is under your conrol. Go find your closest Zen center, sit some Zazen, and go join a Capoiera class. I promise that within 3 weeks of regular practice, you'll have changed your attitude and you'll be posting about how kick ass you are.

Aww Lain... you know deep down that we all love you!

Get out. Get some air. Eat some food you love...something comforting and easy to chug down like soup. Play some music you like. Watch a feel-good film (Ferris Beuller always works for me). Take a hot bath/shower. Write down a list of the good things you have going for you. Burn a list of the bad. Talk to a friend. Talk to your girlfriend. Talk to a family member. Take care of yourself. Get some good St. John's Wort...it works. Take some excercise. Go see your doctor if you don't feel better in a week or so. Read a good book. Distract yourself.

Hope that outpouring helped.

[Edited on Jan 15, 2005 by hoisin]

I feel for you....I can't give you any advice, but wanted you to know that I read what you wrote, and I heard you. You are not alone, as lonely as you may feel sometimes.

man.. this weekend... officialy lies in the its a shitty one weekend category.

Like others have said... We all feel like that at some point. I don't know how I made it through. I can only hope you find the answers and/or the happiness very soon. Things WILL get better. You don't know me, so you have no real reason to believe me. But I have been there. It'll get better. I promise.

I will have to agree with you on that one.

Who knew Lain could be so emo.

[Edited on Jan 15, 2005 by AceTracer]

oh.... my exboyfriend was just like that. and it broke my heart. i loved him so much but he was aways so down on himself when we were alone, and sometimes he would just come over and shake and cry. but out, he was a popular bartender and the life of the party. it was so weird knowing that daily he thought about killing himself, and i could hardly do anything about it. it got so bad, oh, i can't even go there. i got him to quit his job and concentrate on his passions and i supported him while he tried to get better, but it didn't work. finally we had to break up and he has been in counselling since and is much better now, so i hear. i advise you to be proactive and maybe get counselling , it's very helpful, and it will make you happier and thus might also save your relationship from a lot of co-dependence. good luck.

this thread should be made into a bright eyes song

Reading your words and caring as much as a stranger on the internet can.

my day just got brighter almost exactly 24 hours after 8:42 friday night

Your girl called?