Is it overreacting?

If you're with someone, be it dating or married or whatever and he or she keeps a messenger to talk to a friend of the opposite sex? As, the only reason the messenger is kept around is to talk to this person, specifically.

If there are previous trust issues you're trying to rebuild and this friend is obviously not a fan of you. Does nothing but make snide remarks at everything you say?

Is it overreacting to be upset that not only is your sig other going out of his or her way to talk to this person but also, in spite of telling him or her how you feel, he or she acts like you're an asshole for feeling upset about it?

Do things like "just a friend" and "it's not really flirting" hold water in some cases or no?

Half rant/half legit question, unfortunately.

[Edited on Jan 13, 2005 by Gracie]

I'm biased here, as my (now Ex-) wife used it to "chat" with her ex-boyfriend. Said it was just harmless, and only friends, even though she KNEW it pissed me off. (She'd cheated on me before, so there were trust issues already) Then I found out that late at night when I was asleep, she'd be having "cyber-sex" with this guy, complete with sending naked photos back and forth. She had the nerve to be mad at me for not trusting her before I found out.

You're not overreacting in my opinion, if there are issues already out there, and they continue to do this kind of thing, it's just a huge lack of respect for you.

Yes, "just a friend" is sometimes the truth, but that statement, "It's not really flirting," sounds like a problem. Because, if it's not "really" flirting, then what is it "really?" It's probably enough iike flirting that it could be easily confused as such unless someone was there to tell you what it is "really" going on.

I'd say you're not overreacting. My experience of similar situations would lead me to believe there's a problem there. If someone is treating you like you're the asshole for being upset, and not trying to work with you to find a solution, there's trouble brewing. Good luck.


*edited for clarity*

[Edited on Jan 13, 2005 by oddyophile]

You are NOT overreacting. This is bullshit. The fact that he/she is willing to keep doing this, knowing how much it bothers you means that this other person is very important to him/her. Not good.

this is a problem. your 'other half' should not only respect you, but not want to be around others that put you down...especially in such an out of the way manner. you are not overreacting.

Yes, you should be upset that he doesn't respect your feelings. But, more than likely, with his history, if you continue pressing the issue to the point where he says he'll stop, he'll probably continue to do it and just hide it from you. It's a bad situation. Good luck.

As a formerly very active man, I'd have to agree with unravled and co. (mark your calendar, girl! )

I don't know your relationship, of course, but I'm suspicious that he may be being with you merely because he feels comfortable with you or because he thinks the power dynamics in the relationship favor him or something. He's obviously excited by this other person. If he's not going out of his way to amuse, entertain, or please you to a similar degree, I'd say he could be thinking of you as a placeholder or the Des Moines Greyhound bus station.

[Edited on Jan 13, 2005 by fatdavid8]

Threaten them with violence.

The thing that sets me off here is that he's getting mad at you for not liking the situation. That's a tactic a LOT of people who are doing something they shouldn't (IE cheating, cybering, what have you) use to deflect suspicion. Usually if you accuse someone of something who isn't guilty, their immediate reaction isn't to get pissed off about being accused unless you start off your accusation by screaming at them. So that, in my mind, is a red flag.

i'm married and we both chat with people of the oposite sex all the time im even friend with ex's....but if it comes down to this person being rude to you.. then your sig other should respect you and stick up for you by not having anything to do with them.. I mean if he cant show you enough respect by not accociating with people who are rude to you then F it. .....my 2 cents

I think what adds suspicsion for me is that the only reason they have this specific program is just to talk to this person. Like if its one thing that if theyre on talking to a bunch of other people and they talk, but having a prorgram to talk with one person is a little fishy IMO

YOU GOT WHAT I NEE-EEED!

Does she have a different messenger account than they use to talk to other people, or is it their only messenger account? I have a messneger account that I only talk to one person with, be we aren't humpin'.

Dammit. I know this situation!! I've been here maaany times. I'm afraid i don't think there is an easy answer though. I tend to go and cry in a corner or something...

how do they act when you are around? meaning they are on this messenger talking to this lady or man and you are there. do they try to be all secretive? do they subtly try to block the screen from you or close it real fast when you approach? if so somethings going on or at least he/she is trying to lie or hide anything and thats not nice. talk to them about it. 'whys you gots to hide shit like that yo' or whatever. if they give you the run around do what you need to do. probably would be good to stand up for yourself.
ive been through the same thing and im just not interested in people who do that anymore. talking to a past S.O. isnt a crime unless for some reason they feel like they have to go behind your back to do it

hearing all of this stuff brings back really sad memories for me

i really don't believe in the whole "just a friend" thing just from my past with this kind of thing. science has proven that we all have natural intuition that tells us when someone is screwing us over. 3 out of the 4 times you think you are being lied to, you are. the truth is there is no black and white answer but if it is something that makes you uncomfortable and jeopardizes your stand on the relationship then it's a problem, especially if the other person knows and continues to do it. if they are willing to put your relationship on the line for this other person you have to question what is really going on. and this person getting upset with you for being upset, that is usually a huge sign of a guilty conscious. really all you can do is trust yourself.

I'm told convos are hidden for two reasons.

He doesn't like to be "bitched at" for talking to her. AND He keeps everything about us two separate because of the "clash in personalities"

The bigger issue, I feel, is not the flirting or apparent flirting, but rather how it's acceptable to him for someone to be rude to me. I know we both know this girl has shown different levels of two-facedness, I just don't get it.

I wouldn't keep a "friend" around that was rude to another one of my friends but nice to me, nevermind a significant other. It feels as though he's supporting disrespect for me by ignoring it and going out of his way to stay in contact with her, whether it's intended or not.

This is exactly what I would have said.

I think others covered off on the subject, but yeah, this guy thinks he's playing you.

How you feel is how you feel. If he gets mad at you for that, it's a problem. I'd honestly be suspicious of keeping a messenger for just one person, but then again, before we had a bit of a falling-out, my friend Jen and I were purely platonic, but we hugged a lot and she'd lie on me and stuff. It wasn't romantic/sexual in any way, just that we were perfectly comfortable with each other.
Then again we've been friends since gr. 7.

I don't think you're overreacting.

look, if something makes you upset, i think it's legit. you can't help it, it's just a feeling. don't try to deny it, just discuss it with you s.o. they should always be sensitive to your feelings.