Rules for qualifying as a "dive bar"

- The hole in the bathroom wall has been patched up with a sheet of plywood.
- The hole that was punched in the plywood has been patched up with another sheet of plywood.
- Repeat until you reach 4 inches of plywood.

- You only order beer in bottles because you're afraid to drink from the glasses

- You have to be careful not to trip over any of the junk on the porch on your way in.

they still never card anyone so the back room is like a high-school cafeteria on the weekends.

i was in there once and this woman asks for a smirnoff ice. the old man gets a glass, puts some ice in it, and fills it with smirnoff. much to his befuddlement, she kept saying "no, smirnoff ice. its a drink."

The HaRa on Geary & Larkin in SF has Sad Hour

- You can't make it more than 5 steps in without hearing at least three racial slurs
- At least two of these are directed at you

If the jukebox DOES work, you will hear "Hotel California", "The Joker", and "American Pie" at least twice per hour.

nahhh man, the beer hasta be served in a can, not draft.

They serve Schlitz and it isn't ironic.
The bar has a bowling machine.

My favorite was the Cedar Pub in Amherst, OH

There needs to be at least one puddle of vomit, preferably located in such a way that one must step over it to enter. And it should still be there when you leave.

Ah, the last days of the Storeroom Tavern...

2 lights in the whole bar. One over the pool table and one from the glass mini fridge.

The sit down Asteroids machine that can be used only as a table.

The mens room with a small curtain for a door and the urinal with a garbage bag duct-taped over it. And no sink.

No cash register, just the wad of bills in the barkeep's pocket.