Rules for qualifying as a "dive bar"

What makes a dive a dive?

1.) There are only three beers on tap....(extra credt if those three are Bud, Coors & Miller)

2.) There must be at least 1 broken arcade game/pinball machine

3.) The arcade games/pinball machines are comically out of date.

4.) The men's room consists of a trough with ice in it

5.) There must be at least 5 softball trophies in the bar. (2 extra points for every trophy prior to 1985)

feel free to add your own

You have to go down a stairwell to get in.

Dogs are allowed.

Dude, the Mars Bar is the king of all dive bars, and it fits none of these "rules."

The restroom contains graffiti/etchings about bands you haven't heard since 1985.

You have to wonder what the floor's natural color is.

In Michigan, everyone wears hunter orange from November 15th onward, even if they aren't hunting deer.

The Eagles and Bob Seger get more play than most of the bar's patrons.

ummm....Mars Bar is the QUEEN of all dive bars.

the thought of using the bathroom literally scares the shit out of you.

beer advertisement posters with bikini girls plastered on ceiling

mismatched tables and chairs that look like they came from someone’s grandmothers kitchenette

a regulars crowd of local color (most who profess to be carrying a knife for their protection)

These guys are the regulars.

-old men
-honkey-tonk jukebox (off)
-television (on)
-cheap as sin

The one toilet in the bathroom that has been out of service since 1976.

Welcome to the Short Stop

-there is no sign bearing the bar's name, just "open"
-the only beers are Milwaukee's Best, Milwaukee's Best Lite, Pabst, and Natural Ice.
-someone spelled "faggot" wrong in the bathroom
-the bartender personally cashed my unemployment checks
-the pool set includes no more than two cues, and one of them is much better than the other.

Have you ever actually been in a dive bar? Seriously.

[Edited on Nov 15, 2004 by Idjiit]

Wine tasting, apparently.

Pickled eggs.


Joe's Bar has pickled eggs, and they are perhaps the best thing I've ever eaten.


But you don't want to be standing near me about 10 minutes after.

Yeah, i work in one asshole. Whats your fucking problem? Everytime I say something you dispute it or tell me how much punker you are than me. What the fuck did i ever do to you? Leave me the fuck alone, im sick and i don't feel like taking a bunch of shit from some elitist prick who thinks hes the only one who's ever been to a fucking bar. Get a life and stop posting nudes of yourself.

Oh, you are sooo right. I forgot about the monster jar of spicy pickled eggs.

ha ha, did they spell it "faget"?

yes, hunched old men who've been drinking since ten is a pre-req.

on that note, i'm surprised no one has mentioned the neccessary maximum occupancy of about 23.

'a' not 'e'

oh yeah, it helps if a significant number of patrons turn to watch you come in and sit down.


[Edited on Nov 15, 2004 by rottenart]

[Edited on Nov 15, 2004 by rottenart]

Somebody call the waaaambulance. Relax, dude. You're 19, it was a reasonable question.

My local dive bar has no floor. Well, there's a floor obviously, but it's just a bunch of ancient wooden planks... possibly stolen railroad ties. And it has airbrushed murals of scantily clad women on the walls. Other areas of the walls are just neon green. Oh, and an autographed Nashville Pussy poster behind the bar. Classy.

Triple points if there's a possibility he's dead but no one gives a shit enough to check.

"I need 50 CCs of STFU....STAT!"

No dude. you werent asking that question because you wanted to know the answer, thats why it was unreasonable. Don't fuck with me anymore. Im so sick of it.