help im overeacting (i hope)

ok, so im basically cutting and pasting my journal entry here cause im in need of someone to talk to about this asap so maybe i can calm down a bit by the time i talk to my b/f

i'm having a horrible morning and i had a horrible last night...

grr, at 6pm yesterday my b/f imed me and told me he was going out with his friends for a little... this pissed me off in the first place because he told me he wasnt doing anything this weekend and thats why he didnt want to see me.... well all fine and good he left to play ddr for a few hours, so i shruged it off as best i could and decided to call him when he got home to see if he wanted to chill today when i got off work....

i have my aim set to alert me when he comes back

it's now 9am and hes still not home

his friend did have a party last night, a party my b/f asked me to go to and when i said yes i wanted to go he said nevermind, i dont feel like drinking and i will if i go.... so if he went to that party ill flip the fuck out.... we have an understanding that neither of us are comfortable with the drinking without the other person there, mainly because he is the self professed "horny drunk"

i trust my b/f but he HAS cheated on me in the past and stuff....

i hope im over reacting.... but im crying and upset and angry and worried all at once

ever sign points to 'wake the hell up'.



i still like you, but.........
seriously. you're joking with yourself. aint funny.

well you could take a couple of diffrent courses of action.
I know you said you love and trust him, so you could trust that he was doing nothing wrong and is just sleeping in.
OR
you could be really pissed and call him obsessively
OR
you could be really pissed and just give him the silent treatment and spend the day with frinds (doing some way to fun halloween stuff)
OR
you could take the route i have given you my trust once and you cheated on me, i trusted you again and you pull this shit, so there is no trust, and explain the need for a short leash for a while. to regain the trust.
OR
(this is the route i would take) you cheated on me once, it is over,

you are a cute girl, there are tons of good guys out there, do not stay with someone who cheats on you, you deserve better than that.

i am sorry if this is not what you wanted to hear

honestly there is no right or wrong "what i want to hear" at this point, im just upset and looking for all the options and hoping im not a complete freak for being so upset right now.....

i wish the short leash would work with him, but ive tried it before when he pulled shit on me, and he just broke up with me (we've gotten back together quite a few times cause hes also other than cheating kinda dumped me for other girls about 10 times and wow now i sound like a loser )

please take care of yourself dishwasher,

wash my fuckin dishes. now.

i was dumped, just recently by my ex-fiancee, she must have cheated on me like 5 times or more and i still wanted her (just part of the reason im sad). i hope for the best for you two, but someone like youre bf sounds like he doesnt deserve someone as good to him as you (im guessing) are. but dont let youreself go crazy about it, it wont help (i know). like Pollywog said, take care of youreself, and dont let youre feelings get in the way of whats right for you as someone in a relationship.

-sadboi

[Edited on Oct 31, 2004 by sadboi]

i kinda ran on abit there, but hopefully my point came across.

thank you nice peoples... im slightly calmer now, kinda want to try sleeping again, but may continue my loser vigilance for him....

oh and crossdissolve DO YOUR OWN DAMN DISHES

You obviously don't trust this guy and for good reason. Maybe you like the "idea" of having a boyfriend more than the reality of what yr stuck with. Dylan has a line in one of his songs:
"If something's not right it's wrong." A true relationship isn't about leashes (short or long). It's about absolute trust and wanting the other person to be happy. It's about two people understanding they love each other so much that they are not ruled by jelousy and suspicion.

Sometimes it's hard to get out of a bad relationship because we're scared to be alone. Trust me, I know. And after you break up it hurts for a long time. But if you can keep yourself from going crazy and not going back, your life will move in amazing directions!

Your bf may need some variety in his life and that could explain why he wants to go out without you on some occasions. That does not mean that he does not like your or want to spend time with you, but if he is your age, he is growing up and it will be his nature to want to try new things.

He may say to you that he agrees to only going out and drinking with you present, but it is possible that this is not his true feeling. Most men do not like to feel that they are being controlled and that is especially true of teenagers.

You sound like you are trying to control him a bit, because he has been unfaithful and you don't trust him fully. If you try to make him conform to something that his not his nature, you are likely to alientate him. He may go along with it, but the resentment will build up.

My advice to you is to let him off the leash and to let him behave in what ever way is natural to him. He may act in ways that you don't like, and then you should decide if the relationship is one you want.

i wont go getting offended by this seeing as you dont know me or my situation...

i dont really think its controlling to want your b/f to follow the same relationship restrictions as you do yourself

1) if i were to drink w/o him he'd accuse me of cheating, without asking what happened (he's done that to me before) and i am not accusing him of anything, just worried where the hell he is

2) if i were to stay out all night he'd flip (one time when he and i werent even currently dating i stayed out and came home to about 20 "where the hell are you?" messages)

i see where you are coming from saying what you are and i was almost expecting more comments like that, almost wanting them even cause then id just be like oh, nothing to worry about... but after hearing what a few other people have to say im thinking im not completely out of line to think this isnt cool.... its not that i dont want him going out with his friends, its just that i want promises to be kept and to be kept in the know of whats going on with him, its not like this is a new relationship and hes never done anything to make me suspicious, being with him as long as i have and being during a time where we are both trying to rebuild trust, i dont think this is cool of him as all


on that note its 12 and hes still not back

pretty much what metatag said (except for the control part).

experience tells me that many guys do a lot of thinking and changing and reconsidering from, say, 18 to 25.

when placed under some behavior limitations, the average male beast will comply to keep the goods things--like you--in his life. but the urge to that behavior is still there.

he's finding himself, and self-testing who he is as a young adult. limiting behavior may not be the best approach. there are risks to your own emotions, but perhaps a different way would be to place the burden on his moral compass.

"<insert name here>, you went out last night and it made me really uncomfortable and i worried about what you were doing. you saw another girl once before, and i decided to put myself out on the line and continue to trust you. can i still trust you? i want to, because it's the most important part of a relationship. if you need to step out and hang with other girls or have a crazy drunk night once in a while, please tell me. it's the only way i can be totally comfortable with you as boyfriend/girlfriend."

*disclaimer: i'm not a doctor, but i play one on tv*

edit to insert the control part, cause i didn't want to agree with metatag on that part.

[Edited on Oct 31, 2004 by eScottie]

Just from reading your last post, I'd say "whats good for the goose is good for the gander." He accuses you of things that you haven't done (cheating), but he HAS done, and gets pissy at you for doing something he's doing right now (staying out all night). Something is not right here, though I'm certainly no expert.

I wish you much luck, and I'm sure he's okay.

Please don't think I'm too much of a dick for saying so...but this part of your post leads me to believe that even though you want to trust him...you don't.

It's shit when people go off for hours and you're left half angry and half feeling bad because what if there's an acceptable reason...
Can I ask what kind of cheating, like over tiome of one-offs, and how many times? I wouldn't trust him at all, I'd be sat there thinking about how I was gonna dump him in a really bitchy way if it was me, but that's me and I jump the gun anyway most times. Do you think the relationship has a chance even if he hasn't cheated, even if he's just stayed out knowing you'll worry, that's shitty and disrespectful.

Spoken like a prophet....

Like Clara, I've been on the receiving end of this kind of behaviour right before everything went horribly wrong. My wife (!!) at the time started going out all night and not re-appearing till mid way through the following day. I believe she was trying to push me to a crisis point, and she ultimately succeeded.

Talk to him. Expose any festering issues. The longer they're left, the more harmful this could become.

I hope things work out for you

i guess i should reply to this since its kinda seems to be a part several people are questioning.... well one of his ex g/f thought he inpregnanted her while we were dating, so yeah thats the kind of cheating.... and he's dumped me for 5 other girls and then comes back to me in between


as bad as all that sounds, we;ve been back together for a month now and things have been going better than id ever except and i do have a lot of hope for us

and in response to cash, i trust him, but we are in a delicate time where we are both kinda earning the trust back that we originally had, but he stopped talking to his ex's (they were always who he dumped me for/cheated on me with) so i really trust him more now than i have in a while

I don't think you're a nut for being upset that he went out after telling you that he didn't want to do anything this weekend, including seeing you. It's perfectly reasonable to be a little upset over something like that.

I agree with this:

And he could be home, just not on the computer. Have you tried calling him? Perhaps he stayed out late (enough) that he's sleeping hard. I've been up late enough to the point where I've slept until 2-3PM.

pmonkey said there's an obvious lack of trust, and I'd have to agree. You mentioned that the two of you went through some rough times, and that you're either past or currently in a stage of rebuilding that trust. I know how hard it is to rebuild your trust in someone (read: ex-girlfriend), and the fact that he's doing this stuff doesn't seem to help you at all.

Have a long talk with him - tell him it made you feel bad when he ditched you, and that you worried about him all night and about the drinking agreement the two of you had. You have to tell him how you feel otherwise you'll es-plode. Ka-boom!

Anyhoo, good luck!

The Dr. is signing out.

[Edited on Oct 31, 2004 by punk]

Right-o.
To be entirely honest I would just get rid. In my opinion, and I'm fairly experienced in boys being unfaithful having mainly been the bitch in such situations, he'll never change or if he does it won't be for you. Five girls... he can't have any respect left for you if you're just there waiting whenever he decides to put in an appearance. A month is no time at all in real life. I've done this to someone so I know, if they take you back after you've been so heartless, you lose respect for em and start to think, 'fuck it, if I got away with it the last time...'
Seriously, you should dump him now regardless, at least then you won't have been the one who was dumped, again. Sorry this is harsh but it's hard to compress stuff like this into a message board comment

simma down now

I don't think your overreacting. He told you he WASN'T going to go. and you had said you wanted to. Just a question are you going out my ex??? lol...sounds like him. You can't help how you feel. He knew you wanted to hang out with him so was is he advoiding you? If I were you I'd freak on him.