Deep Thoughts

"If they ever come up with a swashbuckling School, I think one of the courses should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something."

"If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink."

"I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad."

"I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex."

I have an away message on AIM set up with: "When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil."

And this one! I love this one:
"Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someones neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing."

Damn you beat me to it. That was the best...

in my high school it seemed everyone quoted Jack Handy for their senior quote.

"“I wish I had a kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula and Superman away.”

“Probably the saddest thing you’ll ever see is a mosquito sucking on a mummy. Forget it, little friend.”

"Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean ? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind."

" If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them."

"If i ever get really rich, i hope im not real mean to poor people.......like i am now"

ah shit I loved these and I have one on the edge of my brain and it has something to do with a fat lady falling and an ant does anyone know that one? how f'n annoying amI? I already started typing so I might as well submit it...

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my
little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out
warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried and
cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I
started to drive over the the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

"If you ever drop your keys into molten lava, just let them go... because they are gone."

something like that.

adam

haha brilliant

"If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you."

"I think the monkeys at the zoo should have to wear sunglasses so they can't hypnotize you."

"Tonight, when we were eating dinner, Marta said something that really knocked me for a loop. She said, "I love carrots." "Good," I said as I gritted my teeth real hard. "Then maybe you and carrots would like to go into the bedroom and have sex!" They didn't, but maybe they will sometime, and I can watch."

"If Alien was my friend, I'd like to be with him when he went to the dentist. When they started drilling, he'd probably go nuts and start eating everybody. That Alien!"

I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye.

"The crows seem to be calling my name," thought Caw.

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what is I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

I miss deep thoughts. Does anyone out there have the book?

If I'm ever chasing you down to murder you, quoting Jack Handey is a good way to distract me long enough to make an escape. I don't care what the voices say, that shit is funny.

"You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who makes people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea."

susie you f'n rock! I am in love!

Bill Brasky once drank a full glass of liquid LSD with his eggs. Then he slept for eight months straight. When he woke he rubbed his eyes and said, 'All in all, I prefer gin.'

To Brasky!

[Edited on Oct 02, 2004 by Cigarette]

When you're ten years old and on your way to school and a passing car splashes water on you, it's hard to decide whether to go to school or go home and change. So while he was standing there I came back and splashed him again.

One thing vampire children are taught is never run with a wooden stake.

"Instead of studying for finals, what about just going to the Bahamas and catching some rays? Maybe you'll flunk, but you might have flunked anyway; that's my point."

-This one speaks to me

*goes back to studying*