Have you ever been in an abusive relationship?

so far all my issues are because of me and only me. so i guess i'm abusive to myself, but I'm not counting that.
I shouldn't be here. I'm just killing time.

so I've been debating posting to this thread since Dia opened it... "are my stories noteworthy enough? Do they compare with what other people have gone through?" So tonight, halloween, I'm sitting home because I've got too much on my mind to enjoy going out and having fun, so I'm gonna post.

I was in an abusive relationship of sorts. I never realized it until one of our mutual friends pointed it out. My ex-gf used to hit me. I'm a pretty big guy, and I grew up fighting and playing really rough with my friends. Jersey wrestling, they call it: when you're done fucking around with your friends, you've been fucked up as bad as most people who get into real fights... So it was never like I felt threatened or like I was being injured. But what I realized later was that the point wasn't that I was or wasn't being injured, it was that the girl felt that hitting me was an acceptable way of working out our problems. I talked to her about it, but got nowhere. It got more and more frequent until I finally got sick of it. I've raised my hand to a woman only once in my life. I told her that if she hit me again, I'd hit her back. She did, and so I did. Not as hard as I could, not in any place that it could cause real damage. I think it was her arm, but I don't remember for sure. Thankfully, she got the message. But the fact that I could be brought to that fucked with me. A lot. That's a moment in my life that I am not proud of. I swore to myself I would never raise my hand to a woman again, and I haven't. I realized that if I could be brought anywhere near that point, it was not worth it no matter how good the rest of the relationship was (although in this case it was far from good. I was just too fucked up to understand). To me, a woman hitting a man (or me, anyway) is an unfair fight. I WILL NOT fight back, so it's the same as hitting someone who is unarmed. My most recent ex-gf started that, too. Nothing serious, just a little backhand to the arm when she was a little mad, supposedly good natured, but I saw it come out a little when she was seriously angry once or twice. I had to explain my whole philosophy to her and how I arrived at it. It was strange.

That same girl (the first one, not the most recent) also turned out to be a compulsive liar. I was so in love that all the bullshit she told me, I took for truth. After nine months it all started to come unravelled. I guess the stars were out of my eyes, so I started to doubt the authenticity of her stories. I checked one or two out, and the next thing I knew I found out that everything she ever told me about herself was a lie. That fucked me up but good. Fortunately, I never internalized it. It never shook my ability to trust anyone else. I understood that she was just one very fucked up individual and that the issues she had were far from universal.

I consider myself lucky. I'm a quick learner. I usually don't have to repeat lessons over and over to get the message. Physically abusive relationship: check. Compulsive liar: been there, done that. Know how to deal with it, know how to avoid it. Passive aggressive, bi-polar, masochistic: I can pick those out like an X-Ray picks out a bullet. The one thing that has me worried sick is my future as a father. I read Flamedaddy and MisterSatans posts, and I feel you both. Here's my bit of Oprah... I don't have a dad. Not in the sense of a person who took an interest in me enough to care what I was doing. I can remember all of about 5 conversations with my father growing up. Most of them took place in the garage. Because of this, I have nothing to work from. There was no "good part" that I can start from and weed out the bad parts. My father wasn't abusive, he just never cared enough to even try.

My five most memorable conversations with Dad:
1. Dad: That kid down the street cut his hair in a mohawk. He looks like an idiot. If you ever do that to your hair, I'll shave the rest off. There's more than one way to stand out in a crowd.
Me (age 11): ...
(sorry dad, I beat you to it...)

2. Me (age 13): dad, I want to get my ear pierced. mom said it was ok with her, but I had to ask you.
Dad: You don't want to get your ear pierced. Bikers and queers are the only people with pierced ears. Don McPhail had his ear pierced. He could back it up, he was tough. You know what they'd say to me at work if I let you get your ear pierced? "What's wrong with your son? Can't you control him?"
(well dad, now I look like the guys you were refering to when you talked about tough bikers. Tattoos, pierced ears, scars all over my knuckles and in my lips. Think I can back it up?)

3. huh... I guess there were only two.

So yeah. I'm scared shitless that in a few years I'm gonna be a dad and not even know where to start. I guess I'll start by caring...

[Edited on Oct 31, 2002 by saint666]

[Edited on Nov 01, 2002 by saint666]

Yeah, theres not any measurement for the relevence of pain. I'm really happy everyone is sharing so much. Earlier this year, summer even, I realized that actually talking about things really helps.
Saint666: I am practically a baby, thats not offensive because I realize I'm pretty young...its funny how I don't really consider any of my situations to have been "that bad" just because my close frineds have had such worse ones...that for a long time I just thought that it shouldn't make such a difference because they had it worse...I don't really know where I'm going with this...

yes.

maybe at some point i'll want to talk about it all.

I've been in an abusive relationship, both mentally and physically. I've managed to avoid ending up in a situation like that one again, but there's a lot of... consequences, in my current relationship, due to the abusive one.
I try not to care to much, to avoid getting hurt. My ability to compromise is highly damaged, as I went from having no say to Never Ever letting Anyone deciding anything for me Again. I go bat-shit crazy if I'm being lied to, even about small things.I was cheated on many times, which should make me more suspicious and jealous, but I've locked that feeling out, if I get scared, I just shut my emotions off. I can't stand being vulnerable or weak, so I'm very hesitant about sharing my thoughts and feelings.
The physical abuse makes me twitch if someone makes a sudden movement close to me, no one can touch my face unless I am prepared. If I'm not, the adrenaline comes rushing and I have to stop myself from hitting them until they go away.
Sometimes I can't be touched at all, I get annoyed and angry,
the abusive relationship came to the point where I just stopped caring. I just stood there and kept being hit repeatedly, ears ringing, blurry vision, nausea... But as long as I kept standing, he didn't win. In the end that was all I thought, if I'd die, he'd get caught, and that would be nice. So I kept standing there.
I still do this. If I feel threatened I shut all my feelings off and prepare for a fight, I refuse to walk away.

I don't have that many friends, for the simple reason that I can't be left alone if there's no one to leave me. My ex did the classical thing: "WIthout me you have no one, you'd be alone and no one would miss you if you died". What bugs me is that he was right. When I finally got out I was simply told "We don't have the courage to not be his friend, so we can't talk to you anymore". These people were my friends Before I met my ex.

Mostly I hate that I hate him. That I feel anything at all towards this person. And that, with all the consequences, he still has some kind of hold on me.

Therapy's been back and forth for a few years, but it's not until this year I decided to deal with everything for real. I will Never let Him Win.