Have you ever been in an abusive relationship?

i've never been in a relationship that turned abusive. but i've been tempted.

I've never been hit physically by a love interest, but my father would beat me/put me down brutally, my mom only beat me once but would constantly scrutinize my appearance, and my crazy grandmother would beat me on occassion as well (she said Satan lived in my body and blamed it on me being half white). As for love interests, my ex-boyfriend/the other boys I dated were just commonplace players. The girls I casually dated just weird with odd personality disorders. Except for N. She ALWAYS put me down on every level possible and once I was in one situation that I could say might have been rape. I know that sounds stupid, to say I was raped by a woman, but I think I was. She forced herself on me viciously and I bled afterwards.

I do find myself very defensive. When I date new people I watch for new ways they could possibly hurt me. Instead of ignoring those signs like I did in the past, if I see even a hint of psycho in the girl I drop her and run. Unfortunately, I keep seeming to run into psycho women...but at least now I know when to drop them. I am also very defensive physically...I don't like when strangers touch me (unless they happen to be a hot girl, haha). When I kiss someone for the first time or they touch me I usually shiver until I get to know them better.

One of the things I do think i'm good at is that when someone hurts me now, I push them THE FUCK AWAY and there is no hope of forgiveness, ever. I try very hard to learn from my mistakes.

Betrayal is what kills me too. I wonder, sometimes, if N had not cheated on me if I would have stayed with her even if she was abusing me. After I broke up with her, someone gave me some article on abused housewives and I fit like 8 of the 10 symptoms. Like you, occasionally I feel very self-destructive. If I feel like I have failed or am not good enough for something I turn all the fury inward...but lately i've been trying to stop that too. I tend to counter-attack rather ferociously if someone tries to hurt me physically/mentally and I unleash very destructive rage that could be tempered.

Dia...please don't let anybody hurt you. I know it's easier said than done, but I think you are such a great person and so beautiful that I hate to think of you being hurt by somebody, you are too precious for that. It makes me really angry. You should be cherished. You deserve only the utmost kindness.



[Edited on Oct 29, 2002 by BioniquefemmeII]

A serious knock down, roll around, spit, claw, scream, punch in the fucking face sorta one... yes I have.

Between the ages of 16 and 22, and during my most violent and angry days, I met my childhood sweetheart. She was extremely smart and beautiful (a model with Elite.) But came from a screwed up family like myself. She had anger issues, and was very suicidal. (both of us we're actually very suicidal then, and each of us had a close call with death during the relationship.) She had been abused sexually as a child.

We started off fine, developing a bond of love like I have never felt before as a young man. But as the relationship deepened, so did the problems. Within the first year we had started to elevate the fights to screaming and braking stuff around our respected rooms. Then one day she just started slapping me. She was taller than me and strong... and when she connected with her fists, I'll tell you... I didn't feel good. I started to slap her back and I felt horribleÉand less of a man for itÉ which made my esteem plummet even further.

Things started to get worse. I would completely destroy my room when we started to get into it. I broke furnitureÉ throw things through windows, took the broken glass and raked it across my chest and arms. She would run and hide during these timesÉ only to mentally berate me for it afterwards. When she would get angry she would throw things at me as well. I would have to either run away or I would tackle her. The scuffles were me trying to contain her anger. The wrestling would be to stop her from attacking me, but it just made her angrier. She was strong... and most of our war wounds we're from those battles. If we fought in the car, I wouldnÕt pull over like I should haveÉ I canÕt tell you how many times we almost killed ourselves and others during these times. We were completely FUCKED UP. IÕm sure I would have killed her and I several times over were it not for the fact I don't drink or do drugs... if I had... I'm sure we'd both be wouldn't be here.

How it changed me was forcing me to eventually concur my violent nature (the abuse I suffered as a child etc.) The funny thing is we actually remained friends after the eventual breakup... Both of us acknowledging our mistakes and mutual rage. I didnÕt however trust people (especially women) for many years after our relationship ended, and even though the violence stopped, it simply turned to mental abuse. The person I dated after I broke up with this individual, got the worse of it. A couple of women after that felt a small amount until I eventually got a hold of myself and stopped being such a scumbag.

I never raised my hand after that one relationship... but the violence still lives with me today. IÕm ashamed of my actions. I still fucks with my esteem. But as I get older and slowly put those days far behind meÉ (11 years now) I know that someday I can forgive myself for ever being a monster. I have forgiven her and she I, but itÕs how we look at ourselves that matter.

So please donÕt judge meÉ I already do that for you.



[Edited on Oct 29, 2002 by artthug]

I haven't been in a psychologically abusive relationship but I have been in one that was almost completely opposite of abusive and it didn't work out. What I mean by that is, in her terms it was "too perfect" which when translated meant I wasn't as aggressive and take charge as she would have liked me to have been. I didn't know better, I figured the best thing to do was let her decide what she wanted, what to do. It's only after she broke up with me that I woke up and realized, shit, you're goddamn right. I've been too soft, and started exhibiting the qualities she was looking for. Suddenly, I was appealing again, but by then, you know, it's kind of over.

I'm no fucking therapist or anything, but I gather an abuser in a relationship at first comes off as being chivalrous and a charmer. Over time it becomes apparent they're really just possessive pricks. i'm sorry, dia, i think all those jerks should be locked up if most of them aren't already. Some how I figure it's about finding a guy that's somewhere in between who, yes, can take charge but isn't a macho guy asshole.

Dia, I feel for you,really. I have been in sooo many fucked up relationships with girls that were borderline phsycotics and I must tell you. I think I was subconciously choosing them. Maybe being alone is what you need afterall. Enjoy life. Spend time with your friends and family if you have them available.
I came from a very abusive family. Mentally and physically. It may play a roll in my life today as far as the woman I choose to be with.Who knows? Its something I need to work out or live with forever. You must do the same thing. Hold out for that better person. Never settle. As far as physical abuse. This should not even be happening. Once is enough. One slip.Thats it , get out. I watched my dad beat the shit out of my mom my whole life(and me and sis too). When I finally got big enough it was payback time. Then I relized I was turning out just like him.Getting the person out of your life is whats important. You know its wrong.Your intelligent , strong and free willed. Dont be weak. Think of young girls who may look up to you. Be strong even if that means just getting away. You as a human being deserve better than that. Dont look back on your life and regret it. Its never too late to change,never too late to be strong......I can do it. You can do it too. I can help you. Ive been there.Even if just "venting" helps. Sympathizing and trying to influence you actually helps me. I would like to see you look back on this one day and think" I cant believe I use to deal with that".As if it would never be even a possability again.


Dia, I hope you find the strength I have found. I hope that I can give you mine.

Yes. Ironically, I just wrote a semi-autobiographical journal entry about it a few days ago (real names have been replaced).

I understand that need for a relationship with emotions that run so strong they'll tear you apart. And I'm not so certain if that's really what's best for me now.

I grew up in a Baptist family, decended from Menonites; in case you don't know, those people are a little more liberal than Quakers. Rules are strict and not negotiable. My father carved a wooden paddle with a handle that was 3/4 of an inch thick which was used only for hitting.

My first girlfriend left after a tumultuously difficult first year in college, having cheated on me with a childhood friend. I was already horribly depressed from the alienation of being away from home but that threw me into a tailspin that only marked the beginning of a protracted descent. This was my childhood sweetheart for whom I would have cut off my legs and torn out my eyes for and as dramatic as it sounds, I would have done it too. She was the world to me in ways I never thought possible.

It wasn't uncommon for me to verbally berate my girlfriends from that point in any manner possible, to cheat on them and abuse them simply because I was so miserable myself.

Then I met the girl, Helena in my journal entry. That relationship was the best and worst I'd ever been in because I'd finally met somebody who could, would, and did abuse me in as horrible and dramatic fashion as I could.

Shouting matches were the norm and if either of us had been drinking you could expect the slapping, hitting, and flying objects to come along shortly. Eventually, she left me for a man she'd been cheating on me with for several months, unbeknownst to me.

I used to have a measure of pride about the holes I'd punched in my walls, the cigarette burns on my skin and the "fuck you" I carved into my arm that you can still read almost 7 years after the fact.

But I didn't hit bottom until I nearly died from a methamphetamine overdose and was hospitalized for 2 days. As I was rushed to the hospital I couldn't only think about how much it would break my mother's heart to get news about her oldest son dying from such stupidity.

I was extraordinarily fortunate that the event didn't kill me and that I was given a second chance. It wasn't too long afterwards that I met my current girlfriend, who against all odds is the nicest, sweetest, most loyal person I could possibly imagine. She comes from an abusive background but had made efforts to overcome her own problems and thank God she has.

I agree with you Dia. Being single is the time to work these issues out. I think the best relationships are those where both people have had an opportunity to already understand themselves and can independently come to the conclusion that a relationship will help their mutual grown. They should be the natural extension of a friendship that's based in trust and respect.

[Edited on Oct 29, 2002 by Takeshi21]

Well, I don't know if this counts exactly, or if what I'm about to say is what Dia had in mind when she started this thread, but I consider myself a survivor of abuse. I've never been in an abusive relationship with a girl- but I was abused by my dad growing up.

Now if this isn't the right place for this, skip my entry and keep reading. But if you like, go ahead and hear what I have to say, because it might just give you some insight as to why I am the way I am.

My dad was an alcoholic, and later (after I left) a meth addict. One of my earliest memories is being picked up by the front of my shirt at three years old and being tossed across the room, all because I was being too loud. The whole time growing up, I was afraid. Afraid of realizing my potential as a good, decent, caring person- afraid of what he might do to me if he thought I was getting "too uppity".

The abuse took lots of forms (except sexual, thank God), but it was mostly mental. Now, imagine you're 12 years old. You're always the new kid in town, cause your family keeps moving cause your dad can't hold down a job. You're kinda fat and you wear really ugly glasses, cause you're also poor. You go to school all day and get teased and harassed by kids. Only when you come home, you get the same thing from one of the people who's supposed to love you the most.

I haven't spoken to my dad in almost 4 years, and I don't have any intention on speaking to him ever again. It's not that I can't forgive him for what he did- there really wouldn't be much point, since in his mind, he was the perfect father. It's just that I see no point in having a relationship with him now. He's a fat, old, drug-addicted felon, and it his is own fault that he is that way. He's not someone I want to associate with, plain and simple. Plus, I figure me banishing him from my life is the ultimate punishment I could force on him for my shitty childhood.

Anyway, that's my tale of woe. It's probably not exactly keeping in the spirit of this thread, but I figured I'd tell everyone anyway. Thanks for letting me get that off my chest.

-randall

When I was 15 I started dating a boy I had had a crush on for a very long time. He was very manipulative and I walked on eggshells to keep him happy. Shortly after I turnbed 16, we had been together 8 months, and I was still a virgin. And he raped me. I rationalized it in as many ways as I could think of and stayed with him for another 6 months, during which he would get drunk and threaten me, yell at me and then ignore me for no reason, leaving me at parties so I had to find a way home. After 14 months, he left me abruptly for another girl-after getting his last fuck from me.
After that relationship I had no self esteem and didn't think that anyone else would ever want me. So on my vacation to Portland (before I moved here) I found a guy and decided that I would get him to fuck me. So I did and we had a week long thing. He was a disgusting person because he had no morals and i don't respect him-or myself for sleeping with him.
As a result of the first relationship, I am very submissive to men, I apologize excessively for small things and worry about pissing people off all the time.
I've gotten better about these things in the year since we broke up but sometimes I catch myself acting like I used to and thinking like I did. I'm better than I was but I still flinch when people make fast movements towards me in any way, even as a high five or a hug.
I figure I'll get over it eventually.

I can throw something into this hat.

For a long time I was labled as "Emotionally Abusive" by two of my ex-girlfriends that are now very good friends. At the time I was completely aware, but when I sat down and talked with the two of them one late night over drinks it hit me like a ton of bricks.

As my relationships matured, I would find myself loosing interest in the one that I was with. It was typical young emotional bullshit, but after a few months I would basically close off emotionally to the girl I was with. I wasn't even aware I was doing it, but it would cause the most horrible emotional stresses on my partner.

When I sat down with the two of them they really opened my eyes, and I ended up feeling so completely horrible. As I lost interest, they would fight for me, because I am very emotionally intense and that's addictive. As my interest wained, they wanted the same intensity, but couldn't give it. Not even close. Then in turn would start looking for it, and getting upset even when it wasn't there, I would see it as them being too needy and demanding and we'd end up in these huge horrible screaming break-ups.

The lesson I learned was that I had to pay more attention to my emotions, and pay more attention to how I treat the women I become attached to. If I start to feel the emotion fade, I need to be honest and up front as soon as possible. Letting things linger on only hurts the both of use. Me because I mis-read the situation and blam them for being clingy, them for being lead on for no reason at all.

I had to grow up emotionally to not be abusive any more. I can't thank those two enough, and I love them more now than I have ever for helping me become a better man.

Whipped Cream

P.S. Sorry if this is redundant or sloppy but it's hard to express and re-reading to edit is just not going to happen.

i've never been in a physically abusive relationship, but i really chalk that up to just being lucky more than being sensible or self-confident or strong or whatever. i could REALLY see myself slipping into an abusive relationship quite easily, unfortunately. i've been in many relationships where the guy will start out treating me like a princess [i've since learned that that's actually one of the biggest warning signs right there! guys who are super romantic and attentive in the beginning tend to be the most psychotics in relationships...], then after a while start treating me like shit and taking advantage of me. i still stay, though, b/c i keep hoping that if i be just a little 'better' somehow, that he'll go back to cherishing me. the worse it got, the more i tried to please him and 'make' him love me. it was just luck that the abuse never turned physical in these relationships, but i could TOTALLY see myself still being that way even if it had gone that route. you end up thinking that they're somehow better than you are, and that no one else will ever love you if you leave. who knows- perhaps the fact that i know how easily i could fall into a violent relationship has actually helped prevent me from doing so. i've been with the same guy for 9 years, and he's never been physically or emotionally abusive, but what if one day we get into a fight about something and he suddenly hits me? after 9 years? of course i'd kick him out, especially now that we have a child, but it would be HARD to do. it wouldn't be so easy as, 'if he hits me once, he's gone!' and i just move on with my life as usual just like that. ugh- i don't even like thinking about it...

my husband had been married before i met him. she used to hit him, over really stupid shit like if he forgot to do the dishes one night or something. she once split his lip open. it took him a really long time for him to get over that [luckily he was by the time i met him]. i think that sometimes abuse can be harder on men than on woman, b/c there's so much stigma attatched to it and few resources to help them.

Buddy, to quote one of the best movies ever made...

"I think your old man and my old man should go bowling"

Not to get all Oprah on you, but your experiences are very similar to mine. I was a lot chubbier as a kid...and my father would say things like..."why don't you exercise more...nobody likes fat kids" when I was 15 and had bad skin "why don't you do something about that, nobody will go out with you if you look like that"

Like you said...the one person who's supposed to love you unconditionally says things that you wouldn't even say to someone you disliked. and the worst thing is, they think it's supposed to help, they don't see it as being mean.

sometimes I wish he would have just beat me, inistead of saying the things he did. I think that would have been easier to deal with.

haven't spoken to him in years....and we live 3 miles away. it's wierd...we've come face to face at the 7-11.....at the auto parts store.....and we walk past each other like strangers. that seems so bizarre to me. I mean, even if I ran into someone I didn't like from high school at the 7-11 I think I'd at least say hi. but here's the guy who gave me life.....and we pass each other like we'd never met.

well, I know your pain brotha.......keep on truckin....and spoil your kids

I've never been in an abusive relationship personally . I have however been close to people who have .

My mom dated a guy who was an alcoholic when I was younger . He would get drunk and my mom would send me to my room . I could hear everything he said though . He would say horrible things to my mom and make her feel like she was never good enough . He would say I was a worthless piece of shit and would never ammount to anything . He even asked my sister if she would sleep with him in front of my mom . As far as I know he never hit her though(One small good quality in a sea of bad ones). If he did I know that I would have found some way to kill him . I was, like 9 or 10 I think , but it wouldn't have mattered . I never told anybody that story before , just that I had personal reasons for hating any man that abused women . Guess I just thought I should share along with everybody else.

I recently dated a girl who just got out of a physically and psychologically abusive relationship .

It seems like most girls I know have had some sort of abusive past . Sad.

Anyway , the end to the previous story goes as follows . The girl left me and a fairly good and stable relationship to go BACK with the abusive guy . He hit her again and she left him again . Then she went BACK to him again . She recently left him again after he told her that he didn't love her , never did, and didn't even want to be friends with her . I try to be there for her as a friend , but I don't know how to help somebody who won't help herself . I feel bad saying that but it's true . I really wish there was some way I COULD help .

I feel really horrible that you(Dia) and every other person who has their own stories here has ever had to go through the things that you have . Just from my own experience I know how difficult it is to forgive or forget .

Emotionally intense people ARE exciting , but also extremely volatile . Sometimes you have to try to look past the initial excitement and protect yourself and your best interests. Unfortunately, there's no easy way to do that other than completely shutting yourself off from the outside world . That's no solution . Just an additional problem . I guess I really don't have any sound advice for any of you . Sorry for the waste of time . Take Care All .

My ex-wife used to throw phones and shit at me.

I've suffered mild psychological abuse (I say mild; my friends said extreme). Most of it about things I hadn't done in the relationship, but that she was afraid I might do (two years and she still didn't know me).

I have never been in a physically abusive relationship, from either end. I hope that I've never been in a psychologically abusive relationship from which I might be seen as the abuser. I'm actually quite terrified of that, and I don't know why.

Getting better takes time, and is never as complete as we would like it to be. But it doesn't have to be.

I'm not sure if I'm adding anything to this discussion. There's a lot of history of ridiculously serious sexual abuse in my family (if anyone asks, you didn't hear that from me), and I'm not sure if I was lucky enough to escape it. I was too young to know. My great aunt was sold as a prostitute by nuns who ran an orphanage. There have been other things. I have a bad family. You move on.

Your life is not your relationships. Your identity is not your relationships.

No words of wisdom from me today, I guess. They can't all be gems.

My grandfather was abusive. My father was abusive. Nearly every guy my sister has ever dated, even as a teenager, was abusive. All of this has been physical and mental.

I lucked out, as far as my father was concerned. My sister protected me from him, and my mother left him shortly after I was born.

It's been very hard growing up in this family, being a man in this family. I know with all my heart and mind and soult hat I'm nothing like these assholes, and that I won't ever, ever end up like them. Still, and with all that, a little burst of irrationality hits me sometimes and I wonder "what if...?"

But I know I have nothing to worry about. I'm not my father. I'm not my grandfather. I have the ability to treat a women like human beings, with love and respect and admiration. I'm more than just my family history. This ends with me.

Thanks to everyone who's posted on this thread so far- this is good, getting this out. The more you keep this inside, the more it'll eat at you. This kind of shit gives people cancer.

And thanks to Dia and flamedaddy- truly, you two are my new best friends for saying the kind words you did to me. And ChaosMonkey- it took me a long time to learn what you did. You are most definitely NOT your family's history of abuse. Everyone who reads this, remember at least that.

Well, hell... I never expected to be giving kudos to the Devil.

In any case, it's interesting how so many of us have said, "In case you care," or "No real words of wisdom," or "I'm not going to read what I wrote."

At least one person here emailed me and mentioned how intimate the comments are, and each of them is. I don't give a flying fuck if other people read what I said because I didn't say them for anybody but myself and anybody else who wants to contribute to this thread. Which is quite serious, by its own nature.

Sounds like most of us have been through some harrowing experiences, each of which I've read several times over and I'm glad to have done so. I happen to be a writer, but I realize that not everybody is. And so I try to read between lines and decipher what the real message is and I think each response has been lovely in its own way.

For those who posted, ya'll are fantastic. For Dia who started this thread, what an amazing and courageous woman you are. And for those reading and snickering, I'd like you to try your own hand at this game. I doubt you'd survive.

Thanks, Dia.

Nothing heartfelt is "cheesy." Nothing honest is bad. I admire your realness. Thank you for sharing.

my last relationship, which lasted for almost four years...
at times I thought: "there's an exit out of this, I can always
commit a suicide..." and you know what? it made me feel
better. It's like surviving a car crash- I could've died, but
I didn't.... it made me stronger but fucked me up.
So now I'm a fucked up strong man....

Oh my god. I just looked at your profile and realized that you're the same age as my little brothers. Hearing stuff like this from my friends who are in their late 20s and 30s is a completely different perspective; they've all had time to deal with and get over their fucked up incidents and relationships. Please don't take this the wrong way, but you're still a baby... I don't mean that you're immature, I mean that you're too young to have gone through that. Or you *should* be to young to have gone through that... I'm imagining you as a friend of my little brothers'. Dear lord. The more I think about it, the more it makes sense. All of the fucked up storied I hear from my friends are from that same age range, 15-20. I just never had it put into the perspective that thats some people I know now...

If it's any consolation, the fact that you can already recognize the damage that it has caused you shows that you're healthy and resilient. You can look forward to it being a distant memory in the future.