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flimshaw

flimshaw

Lawrence, KS
October 2003

AUG 15, 2004 10:48 PM

how much did the pirate pay to have his ears pierced?

buccaneer

BukkakeGod

BukkakeGod

Congers, NY
August 2003

AUG 17, 2004 06:24 AM

how come Barbie never got pregnant?



Because Ken always came in another box.

ZING!

wottan

wottan

Vancouver, BC
July 2004

AUG 17, 2004 12:08 PM

A seal walks into a club

::ba-dum tsshh::

PerilSensitive

PerilSensitive

Houston, TX
March 2003

AUG 17, 2004 12:15 PM

There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand Binary, and those who don't.

astrosaurus

astrosaurus

Lake Elsinore, CA
OLD SKOOL

AUG 17, 2004 12:41 PM

handle said:
So a man is driving a station wagon full of penguins down the highway and he drives by a bike cop. The bike cop notices that this man has a car full of penguins, so he pulls him over and says:
"Hey! You need to take these penguins to the zoo!"
"Okay" The man complies.
The next day the cop is sitting at his post on the side of the highway when he notices the same car drive by with a car full of penguins, except this time all of the penguins are wearing tropical shirts and sunglasses. The cop pulls them over again.
"Hey!" said the cop "I though I told you to take these penguins to the zoo."
"I did." said the man "And they loved it, so today we're going to the beach."



I love this joke so, so much. smile

Clunk

Clunk

I'm lost
August 2004

AUG 17, 2004 02:06 PM

A salesman knocks on the door of a house. It opens to reveal a 6 year old boy with a glass of scotch in one hand and a cigar in the other. The mildly stunned salesman says "Is your dad in?" to which the kid replies:


"Does it bloody look like it?"


2 cannibals eating a clown. One turns to the other and says "does this taste funny to you?"

swingkitten

swingkitten

Portland, OR
OLD SKOOL

AUG 17, 2004 02:15 PM

hoisin said:
2 poo's are walking down a road towards each other.

as they pass one says "hello dave" and the other says "no, my name is bob" so the other says "sorry bob, i never could put names to faeces".

mwa ha ha ha ha



I love that biggrin

swingkitten

swingkitten

Portland, OR
OLD SKOOL

AUG 17, 2004 02:22 PM

PRockG said:
Ok,ok here's another one...

A guy is sitting next to a lady on an airplane. The guy is smoking a cigar. The lady has an annoying talking parrot. The lady gets fed up and throws the cigar out the window.

The man, shocked, throws the parrot out the window.

The woman is horrified. She looks out the window to find her parrot flying next to the plane. Guess what's in it's mouth?

That's right..... The yellow brick. tongue



I just told that set to the boyfriend. He cackled.
Well done!

Girly

girly

HOPEFUL

Denver, CO

AUG 17, 2004 02:26 PM

Okay, this one is really bad....




What's better than winning a gold medal at the special olympics?




















not being retarded to start with

navin

navin

Seattle, WA
September 2002

AUG 17, 2004 02:34 PM

Two men are sitting drinking at a bar at the top of the Empire State Building when the first man turns to the other and says, "You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window."

The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.

The second guy says, "What are you a nut? There is no way that could happen."

"No, it's true," said the first man, let me prove it to you." He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and plummets to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.

He met the second man, who looked quite astonished. "You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke."

"No, I'll prove it again," says the first man as he jumps. Again just as he is hurling toward the street, the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window.

Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it. "Well, what the hey," the second guy says, "it works, I'll try it!" He jumps over the balcony plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors ...and hits the sidewalk with a 'splat.'

Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker, saying "You know, Superman, sometimes you can be a real jerk."


PyronauticA

PyronauticA

Clarkston, WA
July 2002

AUG 17, 2004 02:39 PM

A blonde goes into a computer store and walks up to the salesperson present and asks him where the curtains were located.

The salesperson looked confused for a moment and then replied, "We don't sell curtains here, this is a computer store."

The blonde then replies....

"I need curtains for my computer. I has Windows."

Caz

Caz

SUICIDEGIRL

United Kingdom

AUG 17, 2004 02:44 PM

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey is running wild. The monkey jumps up on the pool table and grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender is livid and says to the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

"No. What did that stupid shit do this time?" says the patron.

"Well, he just swallowed the cue ball off the pool table, whole" says the bartender.

"Yeah, well I hope it kills the fucker because he's been driving me nuts" says the patron.

The guy finishes his drink and leaves.

Two weeks later he comes back with the monkey. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running wild around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds some peanuts on the bar. He grabs one, sticks it up his ass, then pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.

"Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"What now?" responds the patron. "Well, he stuck a peanut up his ass, then pulled it out and ate it" says the bartender.

"Well, what do you expect?" replied the patron. "Ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!!!"

capnvik

capnvik

Los Angeles, CA
October 2003

AUG 17, 2004 02:50 PM

How do you circumsize a whale?












Send down 4 skin divers.

[Edited on Aug 17, 2004 by capnvik]

Starla

Starla

SUICIDEGIRL

California, USA

AUG 17, 2004 02:54 PM

IlGrandSilencio said:
Whats the worst part about seeing a dead baby when your at the beach?







Covering up your erection.




biggrin That made me laugh out loud

Starla

Starla

SUICIDEGIRL

California, USA

AUG 17, 2004 02:57 PM

A brain and a jumper cable walk into the bar.
The brain says to the barkeep "Can I get a couple pints for me and my buddy here?"


The bartender says, "Sorry, I can't serve you guys. You're clearly outta your head, and your friend there looks likes he's gonna start something."

waroffice

waroffice

United Kingdom
May 2004

AUG 17, 2004 03:02 PM

wh00dini said:
what bubbles and taps on glass?



a baby in a microwave



genius LOL tongue

Cigarette

Cigarette

Cleveland, OH
April 2004

AUG 17, 2004 04:37 PM

A skeleton walks into bar and says "Give me a beer and a mop."

A sandwich walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer."

How do you make a woman cum every time?
Who cares?

A man and a boy are walking through the forest. The boy says, "Boy, it sure is scary and dark out here." The man replies, "Yeah, but I have to walk back alone!"

What's the difference between a pedophile and acne? Acne waits until puberty to come on your face.

How do you get an nun pregnant? Dress her up as an altar boy.

And the greatest bad joke I know....

What's brown and sticky?










Wait for it.






Wait for it.





A stick.

III

III

Toronto, ON
June 2004

AUG 17, 2004 04:45 PM

navin said:
Two men are sitting drinking at a bar at the top of the Empire State Building when the first man turns to the other and says, "You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window."

The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.

The second guy says, "What are you a nut? There is no way that could happen."

"No, it's true," said the first man, let me prove it to you." He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and plummets to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.

He met the second man, who looked quite astonished. "You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke."

"No, I'll prove it again," says the first man as he jumps. Again just as he is hurling toward the street, the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window.

Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it. "Well, what the hey," the second guy says, "it works, I'll try it!" He jumps over the balcony plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors ...and hits the sidewalk with a 'splat.'

Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker, saying "You know, Superman, sometimes you can be a real jerk."




That's a great joke... Have not heard that one for quite a while... Good one. Heh Heh...

Maurauder

Maurauder

I'm lost
August 2003

AUG 17, 2004 04:58 PM

two atoms are walking down the street.

suddenly the first atom stops and looks around wildly.

he says "SHIT, I lost one of my electrons!"

the second atom asks, "Are you sure?"

and the first atom says, "I'm positive."




harharhar I'm a geek

_Sarah_

_Sarah_

Kalamazoo, MI
January 2003

AUG 17, 2004 05:03 PM

maurauder said:
two atoms are walking down the street.

suddenly the first atom stops and looks around wildly.

he says "SHIT, I lost one of my electrons!"

the second atom asks, "Are you sure?"

and the first atom says, "I'm positive."




harharhar I'm a geek


I love it. biggrin

Lemonkid

Lemonkid

Canada
May 2003

AUG 17, 2004 05:11 PM

maurauder said:
two atoms are walking down the street.

suddenly the first atom stops and looks around wildly.

he says "SHIT, I lost one of my electrons!"

the second atom asks, "Are you sure?"

and the first atom says, "I'm positive."

harharhar I'm a geek



Very nice.

Jeff_Fries

Jeff_Fries

Humptulips, WA
September 2003

AUG 17, 2004 05:15 PM

Caz said:
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey is running wild. The monkey jumps up on the pool table and grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender is livid and says to the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

"No. What did that stupid shit do this time?" says the patron.

"Well, he just swallowed the cue ball off the pool table, whole" says the bartender.

"Yeah, well I hope it kills the fucker because he's been driving me nuts" says the patron.

The guy finishes his drink and leaves.

Two weeks later he comes back with the monkey. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running wild around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds some peanuts on the bar. He grabs one, sticks it up his ass, then pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.

"Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"What now?" responds the patron. "Well, he stuck a peanut up his ass, then pulled it out and ate it" says the bartender.

"Well, what do you expect?" replied the patron. "Ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!!!"


That one snuck up on me and now I'm laughing.

EmilyRocks

emilyrocks

Sacramento, CA
May 2004

AUG 17, 2004 05:53 PM

a classic:

what do you tell a girl with two black eyes?




nothing. you already told her twice.


and another of the same genre:

how many men does it take to open a beer?




none. it should be open when the bitch brings it to you.

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