The big one - love?

Hi,

(this is a bit of a heavy one so don't feel obliged to answer)

My girlfriend and i are about to break up after 4 and a half years. The problem being that we don't connect on the right levels, we are constantly trying to change ourselves to be what the other wants and that is not what i think love is about. I want to feel like what i see in romantic movies or hear in romantic songs, i want to connect on every level and feel utterly content. But, i watch those films or tv progs and listen to those songs and feel depressed that i did not find it. I don't even know if i can feel it or love is just reasoning and bargaining, a desperate attenpt at finding someone to fill the void. I see a lot of couples every day who just seem so frustrated with each other, angry at them for being such an inconvenience and it makes me sad.

I suppose my question would be - does anyone else want what i want?, does anyone have love the way that i would like it? or is it all make believe?

(please don't think i am trying to find someone, i would like to hear from couples and people who are in love)

Damn, i'm soppy!

Well, I think (and this is just unsolicited opinion on my part, so take it as you will) that trying to model love, romance and relationships after what you see in movies or hear in songs is unrealistic, and ultimately unattainable. Sure, they seem cool and sweet, but what they're really trying to do is sell you a product. They're trying to sell you on their idea of love, to get your last dirty dollar.

The thing about love in real life, is that just because you love someone, doesn't mean you're going to mesh with them 100%. You'll get in stupid arguments, stupider fights, you'll like things he or she hates, and vice versa. How do you know if it's true love?

If, at the end of the day, you can look in each others' eyes and say, "I love you and want to be with you- will you take me as I am, imperfect in all my thousands of ways?" And they say yes, and ask you the same thing, and you say yes too.

That's love.

very well said.

i think the only part you left out was the ability to spend an evening with someone on the couch, watching TV, and letting them have the buttons the entire time...

*flick* *flick* *flick* *flick*

that's love.

I agree with MisterSatan as scary as that is...


Anyway... relationships are much more than just love. We as humans are constantly growing and evolving and we seem to be able to grasp the notion that our own selves are works in progress. Why not accept that relationships are as well? It's hard work to maintain a relationship of any kind for any extensive period of time and we should keep open minds and open hearts to be able to traverse the rough parts as they come.

Are you sure you are not confusing love with compatibility? I have loved all the women I have been in serious relationships with, but in the end compatibility was the issue. If you have to change for someone it does not mean you’re not in love, it means you are incompatible with him or her.

If you must search, search for compatibility not love. Love will find you; my thoughts anyways.

btw...I broke up with my girl not to long ago and I still love her as she does me.

I edit this because I was typing as MisterSatan was posting, but I think the concept may be the same. What ever it may be I agree with him.

[Edited on May 03, 2004 by KillBillLA]

thanks guys, that's a real help. however, now, i just want to go away and think about who i am and what i want to do.

thanks a lot

And after four years of marriage, I've concluded that my answer to that statement is 'none'.

I guess this is more of a vent really - but I know what you mean. I was married for about 7 years to a wonderful woman. By the end of that period we loved each other with a great depth of feeling and shared experience. But we weren't compatible enough anymore to make it work. Very very sad. Everybody has to work out their own levels of compromise I guess...

I've got to agree. Relationships aren't nice and tidy. They don't fit in the four stanza mold with every line rhyming. You don't always get the stuff they write about in songs. Except when you do.

a-men!

Why is that scary? I'm not a bad guy, just a drunk most of the time.



[Edited on May 03, 2004 by MisterSatan]

okay, I fell into the same trap here. for the first part of my relationship, I felt like I was IN those movies. and then I got married. from day one it became one of those lifetime originals movies with all that drama and me crying all the time. being idealistic and hoping it would come back one day kept me in a nasty abusive relationship for almost three years. now I am going through an ugly divorce. his flaws included lying about paying the bills, terrorizing me, harassment, threatening to kidnap my baby while I'm at work, being a pig, and not having a job. yeah, I don't think I could live with those flaws forever. romance is completely dead to me. but that's just me.

I recently ended a relationship, and I find myself thinking similar things. It's probably normal to doubt you'll ever find what you crave, a true and deep connection to someone. I think it's both. I think you need to have a natural bond, and I think you need to WORK on that bond. Mutual compromise, sharing, consideration, honesty. Romantic movies, typically centered around the courtship stage) don't usually cover those things, but they are imparitive for a successful relationship in which you continue to feel the warm fuzzies you feel in the courtship phase. Or at least that's the theory I am operating on.

I want some warm fuzzies...

This is my favorite MisterSatan thread.

I think love has something to do with the ability to impress someone crossed with the ability to say "that's dumb" and them not kick you through next tuesday or at least not be able to apologize for saying that and mean it, and they know you mean it.

Aww... me too. That guy melts my cold little ice cube of a heart.

I think you had a hand in this as well.

I just came out of a similiar situation, but I new there might be problems going into the marriage. They got worse than I could have imagined, though. Emotional abuse, treating me like the maid (literally), lying, not talking to me for weeks on end over wierd things, telling me how fat and unattractive I am (not fat, by the way). So, I left after 3 years of misery and feeling bad about myself. In the process of getting a somewhat amicable divorce, but it is still difficult. Luckily we never had kids or I'd be tied to him forever. And I wouldn't have been able to huck it across the country.

The good news - seeing a great guy who treats me like the goddess I am. We get along really well. I feel at peace with myself around him...