NEWS: Life Beyond the Bar Scene: Tales of Heartbreak

CULTURE: Life Beyond the Bar Scene: Tales of Heartbreak

by Laurelin




I sit here in bed, the television muted, my iTunes silenced. I sit here in bed with my cell phone on vibrate; my hands ready to receive at any moment. All night, my hands, waiting. Waiting for him to say something, anything, but he doesn’t. I almost welcome that familiar twinge, that feeling that leaves me so full of emptiness. I remember I heard once that you’re never more alive than when your heart is breaking. Mine is already broken, and apparently I like nothing more than to make the same mistakes twice.

I almost don’t even know who “he” is. At this point there are so many people who could fill that void that I feel stupid, because while there are so many, there are in fact, so few.

My ex, who I haven’t spoken to in months, says he’s on his way to the bar. I miss him, but I don’t really, and when he doesn’t show tonight I feel better for not having put the picture he painted me for my birthday back on the wall. I keep thinking, “One day I can hang it,” but it’s been one year and it’s still stuffed in the back of my closet next to the framed photo of the ex that used to hit me and the clothing I wore when I would wrestle bachelors for money at the strip club in hot oil and whipped cream. I don’t know why I even think I can stand to look at it, and for one fleeting moment it’s clear as day and I don’t know why I haven’t burned it.

I find myself sitting here, wishing for anything. The last guy I liked had my friends in absolute giggles; comparing the new guy to the old one, leaving me a little bewildered because this new one was honest and sweet… at least in the beginning. So he wasn’t as muscular or tall. And then, just like all the rest, he was suddenly gone, and I was left with nothing. In the beginning we had laughed over how cold we both seemed (we weren’t really). In the beginning I had thought, “He’s not cold at all,” but in the end I thought, “He was right,” though I never cried.

I never cried. There are some guys who make you think; some who make who question your very essence. There are some guys who make you feel like nothing will ever be the same. The ones who break you, day after day, month after month, year after year. There are those guys that no matter how many times you tell yourself they’re going to stay buried they always seem to surface just when you’re at your most vulnerable. There are the guys that never call; and those are the ones who are made for nothing more than heart breaking and other lies.




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And I suppose "those guys" will always be there. Once again, you made me catch my breath. Waiting. Waiting.. for what now?

But it doesn't have to be that way...

You don't have to sit there, waiting for a call that will never come. For the unattainable "player" that want's nothing more than the endless pursuit of meeting the next temporary emotional attachment. The next fling.

There really are genuine, kind, feeling and true guys out there. They are closer to you than you know, waiting in the wings of the "friend" space. The ones you confide in because they are "safe". The ones who are "nice" but largely uninteresting because you really have not spent the time to really get to know them. The ones who would give just about anything to be closer to you than they already are. Because every time you pick someone else, just before they build up the confidence to actually ask you out for once, they feel just as left out in the cold as you do now.

Can I get your number? I promise to call.

So many things in here scream for help. Please get a good therapist.

This reminded me of a few years back before I met my wife.

I had only been divorced for a year and had a string of awful luck, meeting a lot of people who really wanted to fuck but not know me and at the time I wasn't sure what I wanted but that wasn't it. I had a few years of sad nights but it all worked out slowly....so keep your chin up.

Since someone else already bumped this:

As I understand it, these posts aren't straight factual or autobiographical. They are stories. How much is fiction is unclear - perhaps the author can publicly clear this up.

I honestly thought that these were autobiographical, so I would like some clarity for the author as well in this forum

I also thought this was autobiographical. That being said, I greatly enjoyed reading this. Relationships can be so complex and full of such a range of emotions. I liked how this reflected some of that.

From her journal entry last year:

link