NEWS: Life Beyond the Bar Scene: Rescued

CULTURE: Life Beyond the Bar Scene: Rescued

by Laurelin



I remember that I used to go to his bar after we had broken up. I had always gone there, why should I change anything just because my life as I knew it was over? Besides, I was fine. I would do my hair differently, a different style, parted to another side. And I’d wear a little black dress because I was on my way to a fancy event that once he would have also been invited to. I was okay, and he would see that.

I wasn’t okay, I was drunk. Lines blurred and people stared, and when I fell backwards off my barstool he came running to help me up. I screamed that I didn’t need his help anymore, that I was fine. Our friends shook their heads and saw me home, and I knew that I was far from fine. That night would replay a couple of times a week; a different dress, the same sad looks. And always I would cry when I thought no one was looking, even though everyone was. He must have been horrified.

Three years later, I watch him walk drunk into my bar regularly. He has his head held high, but I can always tell that something is wrong.

After the scene unfolded for the first time, I leant over to one of our friends and said, “This is what it was like all those years ago when I used to go into his bar, isn’t it?” Our friend nodded his head, and I felt impossibly sad.

I would rather have nights of my own endless heartbreak than know I’m causing someone else to ache like that. I don’t know what’s happening, and I am powerless to stop any of it. I have my own problems and having front row seats to his makes me feel guilty for being annoyed, but I am.

“I just miss you,” he says, reaching for me. I turn away, just out of his reach and I want to cry, but I don’t. Not until I was telling someone else the story later did my eyes fill with tears. “You’re happy now,” he had slurred and I wanted so badly to shake him and tell him that I was anything but happy; I was still always being let down, the only constant in my life was our sad city bar scene. But he didn’t need to know that. If he thought I was happy and that made him sad, it wasn’t my place to let him know that I really did want to be rescued – just not by him anymore.

It’s raining outside today, and I can’t bring myself to get out of bed. I don’t feel like drinking, I don’t feel like talking, texting, writing, eating. I feel sad, alone, heartbroken. I have to be at the bar in one hour. As shitty as I feel I know, I’ll get up, I’ll add some color to my pale cheeks and I’ll fake a smile, and while some people will know, others won’t. I’ll be okay. Maybe he’ll call and maybe he won’t, and no matter which “he” it is, I shouldn’t answer the phone, because nothing is right.

I have to be at the bar in one hour, and the mere thought of lifting my face off this pillow is enough to make me turn to ashes.



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Life Beyond The Bar Scene: Last Friday
Life Beyond the Bar Scene: No One Nails the Cry Face and Other Tales of Woe
Life Beyond the Bar Scene: Of Lies and Half Truths
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Life Beyond the Bar Scene: It’s Not You, It’s Me and Other Tales of Woe
Life Beyond the Bar Scene: Winter is Coming
Life Beyond the Bar Scene: Digital vs. Analogue
Life Beyond the Bar Scene: A Long December
Life Beyond the Bar Scene: Strobe Lights and Glitter
Life Beyond the Bar Scene: Fake It ‘Til You Make It
Life Beyond the Bar Scene: Apologies and Other Useless Utterances
Life Beyond the Bar Scene: Liquid Running
Life Beyond the Bar Scene: Anger and Other Mostly Useless Emotions
Life Beyond the Bar Scene: One of the Guys
Life Beyond the Bar Scene: A Case of the Crazies
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Life Beyond the Bar Scene: How to Lose a Girl in Ten Minutes
Life Beyond the Bar Scene: Naked Laurelin Reading
Life Beyond the Bar Scene: Healthy Relationships are for Boring People and Other Mishaps
Life Beyond the Bar Scene: Letting Go
Life Beyond the Bar Scene: Does it Exist?
Life Beyond the Bar Scene: The Dating Game
Life Beyond the Bar Scene: After a Few Beers Everyone Looks Good and Other Love Stories
Life Beyond the Bar Scene: Getting Naked With Laurelin
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These alone make me feel my SG subscription is worth it.

Thank you for posting this, Laurelin.

The melancholy in this was such that I went back and read a majority of the work that was written preceding it. I'm kinda new to the site, have read a few of your pieces but wanted to find out if the sadness that peeled back in layers when I read this was a theme that ran throughout them all. It's there in the others, but not like in this one.

I waffled back and forth about whether I should comment or not and if so, what I should say. Other than "thank you," I'm struggling for the right words, or at least ones that don't seem cliche when I say them in my own head. I just know what I read, and the sadness is palpable, especially compared to the woman writing the first few entries who played video games and giggled with her friends.

Here's what I came up with. I hope that you find something out there. Something that still leaves a sense of contrast between this sadness you obviously know too well, because we can't tell one from the other without both. But something that brings you a bit closer to the other.

The McGuffin

You want to be rescued? Shed your co-dependence and rescue yourself. And stop celebrating your demons. They're not a badge to be polished up and paraded with pride. They don't give you validity as a person. If you want something to celebrate you've gotta stand the fuck up and look your demons in the eye. Also, get a new job and stop using the bar-scene as an excuse to avoid living.

Brilliantly said. I'd also suggest that new job not involve writing.

Writing style aside, I have to agree with Bill as well.

I spent my youth like you did, waiting for someone to rescue me, letting life and men push me around, drinking all the time and to the point as you describe where I was falling over in my chair backwards, and obsessing over my exes.

Until I had a breakdown. And trust me you don't want to have to get to that level.
Try to be come a woman now, you are 30, not 23. Get out of the bar scene, find a real true life that doesn't revolve around alcohol and focus on your career instead of what man will come and whisk you away.

And to all those saying this is poetic. I disagree. I think these series of articles are truly a cry for help, and I would hope that people on this site would offer suggestions and support to help rather than condoning a lifestyle that is causing such harm to another human.

I'm not a fan of these, but you know that there have been dozens of these posted, right? You guys could easily skip them. Posting how much they suck EVERY time is just as immature as the original article. Maybe they're not written for you, you know?

Unfortunately there's no "not for me" button on articles. The only way to make a change in content is to voice one's displeasure. Watching someone's poorly written, self made spiral into depression play out is of absolutely no interest to me. It's sad that these go out on twitter as an example of what the site is about. I'd like to hear from empowered women who have drive and the desire to make positive use of their time.

I agree 100% with this sentiment

If these were written as one piece, and the last few paragraphs revealed an older, wiser woman who had conquered many of her demons, would that perhaps make the story more palatable? More relatable? Look at the big picture. We are reading the second act in the tale of somebody who will (hopefully) find more peace with herself in the third.

Christ, I couldn't imagine writing even a marginally honest account of what I was up to in my twenties and posting it up for public scrutiny. That act in itself is pretty damn courageous. After all, it's not as if the author is always painting herself in the most flattering of portraits.

Some of the things written of in these entries are indicative of illness and disease, which some of us need help addressing and others can face down on their own; but all of us have to accept on our own terms and in our own time. My point is that much like any illness, the compulsions that pervade this particular type can't be controlled; they speak to both the biology and genetics of the individual. So, as a person who is familiar with illness as you are (sorry, couldn't help but peek at your profile) I would hope that you would approach situations such as these with more compassion in the future.

As far as content is concerned, I'm all for the addition of pieces showcasing women in a different light. There's actually a few of them already on the site. But, a flawed person is no more and no less valid than any other person. Saying that they are only serves to invalidate yourself, because we're all flawed in some way or another.

I honesty don't understand why people feel the need to leave negative comments when people share. If you don't like someone or don't like what they are about or think what they have to share is stupid or weak,put them on "ignore" . I have tons of members on "ignore". That way I know to avoid them. If you don't like what I have to say don't read my posts. A lot of the members on this site are just way too negative. I wish the trend would go the other way. I don't really enjoy the social part of SG so much.

But people like Laurelin keep me coming back. SG is like a like a room full of horse shit,but I know there is a pony in here somewhere