Ask Ryu Hayabusa Part II: The Deadly Boogaloo

Dear Ryu,

It has come to my attention that during a recent time traveling expedition you were unfaithful to me. I must ask why. Was it because I was no longer willing to submit to your wishes and sodomize you with a sock puppet while dressed as a circus clown? I hope you are happy with your new bumpkin butt buddy while I remain here with only the corpses of molested midgets to remind me of our time together.
Broken hearted,
Des

Dear Luminaire,

This was my expression as I read your letter:


I am envious of the new ninja star collection your neck is about to inherit.

Ryu Hayabusa

Dear Desdenova,

Des, baby. Everyone knows that whatever happens in the late 19th century stays in the late 19th century. I'm not saying I am a monogamous ninja, but I am also not above the occasional booty call. Chin up, young one. There is a strong chance Ryu will crave your ass once more.

Ryu Hayabusa

Dearest Ryu,

In that case, I feel it is best that I admit my own indiscretions.
During your jaunts to the past the nights became cold and lonley in the absence of your ninja love.
After many nights with no companion other than my own loneliness, I was forced to take temporary comfort in the arms of another. I threw myself, with a passion born of desperation, into the embrace of your rival, Shinobi. I must say that it was a cold comfort at best.

Even as Shinobi begged to be spanked with a rubber chicken my thoughts were only of you.
Feel no fret, dear Ryu, you remain the first entry in my big book of love.
Des

Goddamn, if the boards were more like this than the braindead, drooling mess they are now, I might reconsider my decision.

That's why Ryu quit his job as an advice columnist and got a new job with Dead or Alive 4, where his biggest challenge is controlling his erection around breasts that are always in various stages of jiggling.