NEWS: Life Beyond The Bar Scene: Just Friends

CULTURE: Life Beyond The Bar Scene: Just Friends

by Laurelin




“Those guys, they just want to fuck you,” Jason had said, his finger jabbing into my shoulder again and again. I was so mad I could have broken it clean off.

“You don’t even know them,” I hissed back, making him even angrier. He scared me when he was angry, but he never hit me, although as the years went by I would come to find out that he would hit others that came after me. But even standing my ground he scared me; he had this power over me and for some strange reason, I couldn’t stand the thought of losing him. He kept me close, like a dog chained in a dirt yard on a run, allowed to run sometimes but ultimately, never allowed to leave the yard.

He made me feel like the luckiest girl in the world, and I remember thinking that I could die right there in his arms and be happy with everything I never did. But there was always the issue of my friends. While I was in college I became closer with all the men in the fraternity up the street, some even more so than my own sorority sisters. In the beginning of my relationship they were happy for me – I talked about Jason and I glowed, and they were shocked that someone had finally tamed me. Jason didn’t feel the same way about the guys I called my brothers. He knew how wild we all were, and he was convinced they all had ulterior motives.

“Those guys are NOT your friends, Laurelin. They want to have sex with you. Get it through your head, you are NOT spending anymore time with them,” he had said, and while I always fought back I eventually quieted, and instead of driving back home I always stayed with Jason. Soon my friends started calling, each call or text making Jason angry. They missed me, was I ever coming home? Why was I ignoring their calls? When could they meet Jason? But he wouldn’t meet them; a firm believer that guys and girls could never be just friends.

In the end, Jason didn’t last, thank god. When I finally broke away from him my friends were so glad, and I saw what it was like when a relationship takes over and a girl turns a blind eye to friendships in favor of a man. All these years later these boys are still my brothers, platonic, the best friends I have ever had through thick and thin, and Jason’s name hardly ever crosses my lips.

One of my closest friends in Boston is also a guy; he’s usually the first person I talk to in the morning and the last person I talk to at night before I fall asleep around 5 AM. We go to dinner, get drinks, go to movies, he thinks my last boyfriend was the dumbest guy on the face of the planet and when I was having trouble getting over it no one helped like he did:

“Laurelin, the kid is a loser. Do you really want people meeting your guys to be like, ‘Man, that chick is the coolest girl ever, but her boyfriend is a fucking tool.’ Stop crying, Jesus, pull it together.”

My friends and co-workers seem to think otherwise.

“You’re going to marry him,” they tease, and I think of Jason, his mouth set in a line, always so angry at the preposterous idea that not every guy just wants to bang me. I’ve quit trying to explain to everyone that sometimes, just sometimes…we really are just friends.



***

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Amen

Every guy does want to bang you, make no mistake about it. I am very good friends with several women. Of course I think about and want to bang them. I just value the relationship more than a single evening of wrinkling some sheets, or upholstry, or smearing up a table top, or whatever! No matter how platonic the relationship, the guy always has to manage a sexual tension element.

Don't pretend you speak for anyone other than yourself.

I've had and have a few female friends, we grab drinks, ride bikes, go to the beach...the thought is in my head about "banging" occasionally I mean you ARE a woman but then other than a straight up question like "you wanna fuck" there's no tension, angle or ulterior motives.

Jason sounds a little jealous but if you find yourself under siege he would defend your honor 'till death.

How romantic.

yes.

I'm not going to say that it is a dominating thought but, if you are a straight male and you have a straight female friend the thought has crossed your mind. You are a liar if it hasn't. If you're just looking to get laid by every woman you meet then it has been on your mind for a while but she eventually became a sister to you and all thoughts of sexual conquest ceased. If you are the classic "nice guy" then you value this woman for who she is she but I dare you to say that if she was down for sex that you would refuse. In this situation, you're Ducky from "Pretty in Pink" and that's the truth. You want the best for your friend but damn it if YOU aren't the best thing for her because you're such a good friend. Either way it goes the sexual feelings fall by the wayside BUT THEY WERE THERE AT SOME POINT. There are all sorts of versions and off-shoots of these two mentalities but the result is the same. Platonic friendships are a process and that process (at least were straight men are concerned) involve sexual/physical attraction on some basic level at some point (usually early on and then discarded).

Do I think people have some level of sexual desire for other people they find physically attractive? Yes.

Do I think people can have friends whom they do not find physically attractive? Yes.

I think the bigger question is why can’t friends have sex?

They may want sex, but they don't JUST want sex. My friendships with men have been some of the richest, most evolutionary, character building blocks in my life. And they've told me, with gratitude, the same things. We help each other see the masculine and feminine in new ways.

I find it limiting and rude frankly, to have such a black and white view of anything that involves love and growth, as hopefully, most friendships and people do. Furthermore, to look somebody in the eye and say "this person/group only wants THIS from you. You are an object to them, and not a whole person." Bad etiquette at best; another way to silence, and erode a woman's confidence and security, at worse.
(Assuming it's not a cult and you have her best interests in mind to advise exit! When it comes to an entire sex, I don't think you can make those kinds of generalizations. And not to be naive -- if the dude is straight, he may think about it. But, perhaps that's part of men's job here -- to become better. To view women as teachers, and not just outlets for self-pleasure, etc.)

Sexual tension is a catalyst for creativity, evolution, electricity and knowledge. All good things. It doesn't always have to be acted upon. There is a lesson in self-discipline there (which is sexy A little bit goes a long way. It's present, but not damaging. If it is, one person has to leave the friendship.

I'm glad you got away from Jason, and continue to build your self esteem and also your body of written work! Nicely done! xox

What's the definition of want?

Has the idea of sex with my female friends idly crossed my mind, with a smile or other anatomical change? Probably.

Does it cross my mind when I'm hanging out with my female friends? Except for the friend who likes to overtly tease me...nope.

Would I ever act on it? No. And a person should be judged by their actions, and not passing desires.

If the woman lead, would I follow? Knowing from personal experience, I'd have a discussion before hand. I desire the friendship much more than a quick shag, and wouldn't actually want to damage the friendship.

So...depending on how you judge the word "want," maybe. But its far from an active desire, and not even close to a "manage a sexual tension elemental" issue.

I like everything you just said!

Morgan makes the best points. And as for myself, 99.8% of my friends are female, I prefer thier company over guys anyday. Some of my female friends aren't the most attractive, and i don't care. I value thier friendship and what they mean to me. Nothing wrong with being attracted to your female friend. I am not sure if anyone esle pointed this out, but , I believe here should be a "single/not single" factor here. I mean Its one thing to be friends with the opposit sex, but I'm not going to go around thinking about banging my friend ESPECIALLY if she's already taken. And if she was single when I meet her, trust me I would find out firstly if we shared enough in common to be friends and formost build on that friendship above all esle, second find out where her head is as far as dating, and her likes and dislikes towards the guys she likes/wants.. Very casually find out the info I need as to not make a fool out of myself.