NEWS: Red, White And Femme: Stealing Love

CULTURE: Red, White And Femme: Stealing Love

by Darrah de jour



I recently got a call from an ex-boyfriend (can I even call him that?) that I had dated for about one month a couple years ago. It would have been more brief, except that he was in Africa on a mission for three weeks, and when he returned, we broke up. Before he left, we met, and had sex. Well, we met, talked, then decided to hop in the sack. Unfortunately for me, he was inexperienced and believing virtue withstood the test of a woman’s sexual needs and intimate desires, he failed to satisfy even my most basic requisites. Like, giving me even a single orgasm after about four times doing the horizontal mambo.

Many times before meeting the chap, I’ve jokingly spouted, “Virgins are prude.” Not so much in an attempt to hurl insults at virgins or the born-again chaste, more to express my belief that America’s obsession with purity serves nobody. Sure, it’s great to not contract an STD from unprotected sex. Sure, it’s important not to wonder who the babydaddy is. Yes, preserving your reputation protects your quality of life and peace of mind. But, having safe, consensual, adult sex with another respectful, cool and hip person who knows their way around a bedroom, makes the above not such an issue. And that’s my point. In this obsession with purity, we’ve undermined youth’s right to knowledge about safe and enjoyable sex. We’ve imposed an unfair and derogatory scarlet “A” on every girl or woman who claims her equal right to enjoyable, safe sex. And, we’ve bastardized men’s ability to truly connect intimately with their partner, by promoting endless erections and Superman like abilities under the sheets.

Having an experiential personality, I often do searches on the Internet that are cringe-worthy the next day. The other night, I was reading a forum where teenage girls (around sixteen) to twenty-somethings talked openly about engaging in sexual activity with their boyfriends. Some of them were pregnant. Over and over, they spoke of being unable to voice that what he was doing was hurting them. Their boyfriends were *hurting* their vaginas, and they didn’t say anything. My initial response was sadness. Then a sort of outrage. These girls and women were asking each other what to do with their sore labias and swollen vaginal canals, which had tiny cuts in them from being fingered too vigorously. Without a doubt, each one echoed the last one’s sentiment: I didn’t say anything. And, now I’m in pain. What should I do? Do I have an infection? What’s wrong with me?

I could empathize with their frustrations and inability to speak up though. I remember being fifteen and dating a skater boy who went to my high school. I was working part-time as an assistant manager at a candle store in the mall, and sometimes, when I opened at 10 AM on a Saturday, I’d know he had broken into the mall after hours and stopped by because M&Ms were tossed into one of the candleholders atop the glass display. He wanted to have sex, and he hung around me every second to groom me to make this happen. He was rough with me. He kissed me hard. In public. His tongue whipping in my mouth like an angry reptile. He would stand over me while I sat, cross-legged at parties, smoking Camel Lights, and bend my head back, then jam his tongue down my throat for a few moments. Afterward, he would walk away. I was “his” and he wanted everybody to know it. Why didn’t I say anything? What was OK about this scenario? Appealing, even? Yes, he was cute. But not that cute.

He started fingering me a lot. A lot a lot. And, I admit, I liked it. It was my first time, and it happened innocently enough. One day we were walking around the mall, and he stopped at these gray double doors. “What’s this?” I asked. “Here, I’ll show you.” We went inside the long hallway, which was starkly illuminated by florescent overhead lights. He said to sit down. I did. He sat down beside me. He began kissing me, and then laid his body over mine. He moved half his body — the lower half – to the side and unbuttoned my jeans. He stuck his finger inside me. I remember wondering if his hands were clean, and feeling the tightness of my vagina around his one thick finger. It kind of hurt. And I felt kind of duped by the whole thing. For some reason, to this day, I remember that his body being half on and half off felt manipulative, and that he’d pre-planned this whole journey, and how objectified I felt. I felt like nothing, and something, but that bad kinda something. Like, one of the many girls he’d collected. The girls that contributed to the bad reputation that preceded him — and that had attracted me. I was now both confused, turned on, and repulsed by it. He stopped suddenly, and told me to get up. I got dressed, and we left. “Did I do something wrong?” I wondered.

We broke up after a couple more incidences. Like the one where he skateboarded over to my parents’ house when they were out of town, and tried to stick his penis inside me. We had both ditched school to meet at home and make out, but when he arrived — half hour after the planned meeting time – he seemed distant and aloof. Like he’d missed out on a party to be there with me. He hated school, so why did he care if we missed a class or two? When we were upstairs, he sat on my sister’s bed. I told him so. He didn’t care. “We can’t make out on my sister’s bed!” I implored, half-kidding, half-serious. “How weird,” I thought. He didn’t understand why, or care really. We made out, and he kept taking his dick out of his boxer shorts, and I kept moving away and saying no. Finally he jumped up. “Fine!” My vagina was unsheathed by panties, as he’d been fingering me again. He looked at my mess of curly reddish-brown pubic hair with contempt. I didn’t know if he didn’t like my vagina or my pubic hair, or was mad at it because he couldn’t get inside.

He bolted downstairs, and stopped in front of the TV. Something was on that he liked. He began fingering me again when I appeared. I let him for a second, then offered him some homemade fudge my mom made before leaving on vacation. He declined, then left.

We finally broke up after he had used me as a scapegoat to trick his mom out of twenty bucks to buy weed. And because all his friends knew I wouldn’t give it up. I was fifteen, and being me, I had already set a “losing my virginity” date. Eighteen years old.

Even though all this happened many years ago, I vividly recall there were times when I didn’t want him to touch me. Like out at the railroad tracks, with all his friends within earshot. His hands sooty with mud from the tracks and the park we had to cross through to get to the secret hangout. But I didn’t say anything. I wasn’t sure what bothered me more: the fact that his friends saw me as just another one of Ray’s girls, or the fact that he always stopped suddenly, after jerking his hand up my skirt — almost just to see if I’d let him. Our encounters never resulted in an orgasm. I never had one, nor gave him one. I never touched his penis; having only seen it when he pulled it out on my sister’s bed while trying to shove it inside me without any kind of conversation, whatsoever. When he decided we were done, he’d bark at me to get dressed, never waiting quite long enough for me to snap that last snap, or zip my zipper. He was always leaving me standing alone, struggling, racing to meet up with my boyfriend, who said he loved me but did nothing that resembled it.

Perhaps our friends on the east (my old stomping grounds) have the right idea. And not just when it comes to Dunkin’ Donuts blueberry muffins. According to USA Today, Boston’s Public Health Commission partnered with local social service agencies to erect a Break-Up Summit for teens. Nationwide, the $18 million program aims to educate youth on how to prevent dating violence and how to communicate more effectively and kindly (ie; no severing romantic ties publicly via social networks), while helping give young people the skills to cope with the downsides to embarrassing or hurtful dating experiences, like depression and low self-esteem, which can lead to further educational and social problems if left unchecked.

As of late, I’ve used a type of rationale that is helpful when choosing my next dance partner. My internal checklist is as follows:

• 1. Do I trust them to be discreet and not to tell anybody?


• 2. Do I think they’ll treat my body with the utmost respect, and value my orgasm as much, if not more, than theirs?


• 3. Afterwards will I feel A-OK in my skin?

If the answer is no to any of the above, then I shouldn’t let them inside me. Easy peasy. Better not to bargain or barter with your most prized possession – yourself.

In terms of learning how to better converse with your sexual partners and to get down to the nitty-gritty regarding burning questions (or symptoms) – at any age – be it Plan B instructions to viability of sperm, I find the young adult site Scarleteen to be a wealth of resources. Finally, let’s honor that tender, lush land that resides in all of us...under the pink.


Darrah is a freelance journalist and consultant, with a focus on sensuality, environmentalism, and fearless women in the media. She appears as a “Woman on the Street” on The Conversation. Her lifestyle writing and celebrity interviews have appeared in Marie Claire, Esquire and W, among others. She contributes author and filmmaker interviews to The Rumpus. Darrah’s “Red, White and Femme” columns for SuicideGirls taks a fresh look at females in America. She also co-hosts SG Radio when her schedule allows. She lives in LA with her doggie Oscar Wilde. Subscribe to her blog at Darrahdejour.com/, and friend her on Facebook and Twitter.

Photos: Mikey B and Maryalena Salman

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Well, we met, talked, then decided to hop in the sack. Unfortunately for me, he was inexperienced and believing virtue withstood the test of a woman’s sexual needs and intimate desires, he failed to satisfy even my most basic requisites. Like, giving me even a single orgasm after about four times doing the horizontal mambo.


From a Nina Hartely interview:

NH: No one gives any one an orgasm. All we can do is to assist our partners in finding their own. If he finishes first and she still needs more she can: kick him out, claiming an early day and then masturbate alone; she can recline in his lap so he can play with her boobs while she masturbates to a finish; she can masturbate during sex so she can have an orgasm before him. I always come after my partner, as my orgasm is very hard to achieve, and trying too hard during intercourse just takes me away from the moment. I can come whenever I want, so not coming during sex is not a big deal to me.

This makes more sense to me? Touchy issue.

I went through a similar issue growing up. I didn't lose my virginity till I was a couple days away from 20.
your internal check list are really good questions to ask yourself, I really like them and might end up using them. The part about your orgasm being just as important as your partners is possibly my fav. When I finally lost the big "V" the guy I was with would sigh and have to masturbate while fingering me because it was a turn off, and he found it boring/ pointless. I thought this was how all guys were, and that their form of affection was just throwing your arm over my shoulder with no meaning attached to it. When I finally broke it off I thought " I will never find happiness with men, I don't feel sexually attracted to women, I am so fucking screwed". Then I met my current boyfriend. He like me didn't want to be in a relationship for sex, but for being with someone you could get close to and be affectionate with. After 5 months of dating we finally decided to sleep together. At first I thought, " wow this guy acts like a chick in the sack" the reason being he was super affectionate, got aroused at even the slightest noise I make, and can come from giving me oral. He respected me, said sweet nothings in my ear, and caressed me instead of man handling. It took some time for me to realize this wasn't girly, it was how REAL men should treat a lady.
anyway the point being I really know where you were coming from and this post actually makes me feel a lot better being the way I am, because I know there are other girls out there who have been through similar things, thanks for sharing

Hi Jimlinsa,

Thanks for reading!

You're right, orgasms can be a touchy issue. And, Nina Hartley is somebody I have the pleasure of calling a friend. She has taught me a lot. For her, she openly admits she is very hard to get off. She uses the term "high orgasm threshold." She believes we are all responsible for our own climax.
However, something she's also taught me, is that if your lover (male or female) doesn't CARE whether you get off, that's a prime candidate to ask to go fuck off.

I believe clitorises are there to separate the men from the boys. As a woman, our orgasm being generally more difficult to attain is mocked, stigmatized and belittled in our society. Our orgasm in general is valued less. While men's is the center of the universe. Not only is it the focal point of most advertising, it is the focal point of sex-ed, when it appears in schools. A woman's orgasm is rarely mentioned unless to arouse a man or feed his ego, and its purpose in pro-creation is debated. (Though, many argue it is a huge component to a healthy baby and bonding the mother to the father.)

What I know and you don't, is that the boy highlighted in the article not only failed to give me an orgasm, he failed to try. He didn't like going down (a non-negotiable for me now, not unlike my checklist), and when he was near the area, he would say "I want you to have an orgasm, I just don't know how long this is going to take." Not only because he was inexperienced, but because he was self-important, like ALL too many men in bed and in life.

I LOVE men. I don't like jackasses. And this notion that a man coming is the purpose of sex or the highlight or the most important part or the catalyst, etc. is ingrained in a subtle and overt way in our society and many others. To the point where it has degenerated women's ability to speak up about their pleasure. The whole "it smells funny", "it's like fish," "it takes forever," " it's like a labyrinth," is so prevailing, that many many women I've spoken with (I talk to a LOT of women about sex, and men) have said, "Oh, it takes too long, and I'm shy about him not liking the taste or smell," or "I can't explain what feels good." And they end up simply NOT getting off from sex. Many women say their orgasm is not important, which is really sad. In my consulting experience, usually what they are trying to say, if you get under that initial layer, is, "don't fuck me so fast, it's like you're racing to an orgasm. Make love or fuck me for the journey, and then let's both get off." Or: "care about me and my body, don't use me as a tool for your own orgasm."

I tell women they should masturbate, so that they can help communicate to their partners how and where to go to please them in bed, and have that beautiful connection that forms when both couples feel satiated and bonded through sex and the hormone Oxytocin, which is released for men and women through orgasm. The bonding effects last 2 weeks in women, 2-3 days in men.

However, even the most likely candidate to communicate her sexual needs, needs a partner who values her body and her pleasure and is committed to treating both with the utmost respect.

Thanks again for your time and for reading both this piece and the Nina Hartley interview.

Cheers,
Darrah xo

Dear Kaula,

What a precious message to receive! You totally brought a smile to my face! Thank you.
Feel free to use the checklist! I hope it helps.

On another note, I'm sorry for your experience. I've had a few like that, and it's a blow to your self esteem for sure. I ended up questioning my self worth, before realizing that it was the man who was at fault. I had to find my way to compassion and forgiveness, but more importantly, develop a zero-tolerance attitude when it comes to having sex with only those who will -- or I presume will -- care deeply about my body. And not just in the way that it helps them yield self-pleasure. I've met men now who 'get off' by 'getting me off'. Who would rather I come than them, or at least first. Who want to go down for an hour. God bless them! (Generally, they are mid-30s and up.)

Your ex served you well, in the sense that you later found a man who treasures you and you know what a gift he is! Congratulations!

Something I wanted to touch on... not sure if you've experienced this, but some guys try to get a woman off and it's ego-fueled. My body is highly-tuned to detect this and then shuts down completely. I do not allow him to continue. It's not unlike the feeling of being used as a fuck-toy/object for his satisfaction. Except instead of pleasing his penis, it pleases his brain/ego.

I don't believe in faking orgasms, it helps nobody and is many times used as an excuse to "make your man happy." Fuck that! He'll be happy when he discovers, through exploration, how to make me worship him because he cares to discover my body's infinite truths! And, I'm just as committed to him! There are Supermen out there who have shown me time and again that this is possible. And like your current flame, because of them, our faith and hope in the masculine gets restored.

Lots of love, Kaula, and stay in touch!
Darrah x

P.S.: When I said "advertising," I should have been more clear... all forms of media, including video games, commercials, newscasts, etc., and mainstream pornography, which serves to reinforce sexist stereotypes about men's orgasms, and women's bodies, and also clamors around women faking orgasms to feed men's egos.

It could be argued, feminist porn is gaining on mainstream porn, as friends like Tristan Taormino continue to build an empire with her Vivid Sex-Ed vids, Sex Out Loud Radio, etc., which tunnels images and conversations through a female gaze and for both female and male pleasure. They promote having agency over your sexual and bodily choices (which is missing from mainstream porn). Which is good! Because lots and lots of women like watching porn. Even if we are told we don't... and now we have places to go where we won't always cringe at the rough Gonzo-style shit that's out there. While I'll shamefully admit I watch it from time to time, it does make me feel a bit guilty for indulging.

xox

I thoroughly enjoyed this read.

I developed early around 11, but I didn't consummate my sexual awakening until nearly 18, and she was experienced. The interesting thing about developing early and being more interested in adults for communication then kids my age, is most of my first friends were girls, conveniently before sex.

I worship at the altar of woman. She is a goddess, a incomparable natural force, and a being of inextricable beauty and mysticism.

for me, the female orgasm is the ultimate in sexual turn-ons. from what I understand - it's a full body mental state. An induced wave of uncontrollable expression.

Every partner is different - and the best policy for any man, or boy, is to talk to her, to listen to her, and to take her there.

Our greatest gift to women, as men, is our utter adoration. Sex is a;ways great when THAT manifests in bed.

or on the park bench ;-)

Yeah. After I made my comment I realized that I was looking at it from the guy's point of view (naturally, being a guy). Fascinating subject and I appreciate your outspokeness. Thanks very much, and keep writing!

Thank you! MWAH!

Thanks for reading! Your perspective is quite inspiring~ Many men have told me that their early experiences were with older women that showed them the ropes, and they became much better lovers as a result of it.

A woman in her 30s, for example, experiencing her sexual peak, tends to be more comfortable in her skin, and uses her voice to help you please her. This is a generalization, but a hopeful one that my research and conversations have yielded. I'm told it just gets better from then on! Fingers crossed.

Your story serves as further proof that looking down at sexual experience or masturbation or sex ed or any of the ludicrous notions that are thrown around in society (in false hopes to restore decorum and closeness with god) serve nobody and harm those who are mercilessly shamed, usually it's women.

Thanks again, H!
xox