Q:I'm a 20-year old girl and I've been with my boyfriend for almost a year. Despite me being young, I am sure that I want to get married, but he's said he doesn't think he wants to. I've stayed because I love him. We're only young (he's 23), and I hope he might change his mind. The problem is, I think he sees our relationship as having an end point due to this. I don't know if that's because he thinks I'll end it or he will due to not wanting marriage. I am quite paranoid and find it quite hurtful. He's also completely against the idea of living together, and if I subtly suggest it's due to his lack of commitment he gets quite angry/upset.
What is best to do about this? I am aware I'm young, and I don't want to get married till I graduate in 2 1/2 years, but is there anything I can do to maybe show him it's not that bad? Everyone says we're a fantastic match and I can really be myself around him.
Thanks!
A: If I have learned anything out of my past two relationships it’s that you cannot rush anyone to the alter. Marriage is something that both people have to take incredibly seriously and have to both be ready for, since, ultimately, it is intended to be forever. This is an issue that has broken up many people. Some are quite simply ready, others are not.
You are not wrong in talking about marriage and wanting that as a goal to look forward to. Much like myself, you want to see progress, and there is nothing wrong with that. However, when the other person does not have a similar attitude towards marriage, bringing it up and talking about it can begin to sound like nagging to them. They may also feel you are resenting them because it’s something you want and they are holding you back. As for if you’re too young to get married, that is not something I can answer. But you yourself said you know you aren't ready quite yet.
The issues you have with your relationship seem to go beyond marriage. More immediately you are just looking for him to show he is committed, and talking marriage at this stage may not be the right way to go about doing that. You want a sense of security, but what is scaring you or making you feel you need it? Especially when everyone tells you you are fantastic together and things are going good?
If there are issues now about this and things go sour when commitment is talked about, there may be underlying issues that need to be addressed. You certainly do not want to get married or pressure someone into staying with you through a marriage if there are these types of issues to begin with. I am not telling you this will end badly, I am just telling you from being in your exact shoes, you have to do what makes you happy, and while you love him and are willing to give him the world, he has to want and be willing to do the same. If he does not want to, then perhaps he’s not the man for you. You deserve better.
In terms of talking with him, you can let him know what you see in your future and ask him if he sees the same. He will tell you what he sees. If the goals are not the same, then it really is time to take stock and figure out what to do next. If the goals are the same, and in the future you both see marriage to one another, then you are on the right track. But do not pressure him into something that you admitted you are not ready for right this minute either. Live life, have fun, and be happy with one another. There’s a lot to be said for enjoying the moment (especially at your age), rather than concentrating so much on the future that you’re unable to enjoy the present.
When his is ready for marriage, he will let you know. You cannot pressure someone with regards to this type of issue, and if you do, you will more than likely push him away rather than bring him closer to you.
I really hope this helps as I have been in this same situation just recently. I know what you are going through. Stay strong and true to yourself and your values. And never settle.
I see this so often with my 18-20 year olds. So, if I were giving the advice (and I'm not female enough to be an SG, but whatever) I would ask one question: are you in love with him, or are you in love with the idea of getting married?
Having married the first time fairly young, I can offer this bit of advice: don't fucking do it. My life, my personality and my desires changed drastically from the time I was 20 to the time I was 25. Be patient. Get your life in order and then consider marriage. Divorce is costly and usually really ugly.
4
SouthernMale
USA
December 2011
DEC 26, 2011 04:23 PM
Having been in a monogamous realationship for 13 years that began when we were 15 and 16, I can tell you from my personal experience that mydogfarted above hit it on the head. His outlook on marriage will more than likely change over time. On the same note, your wants may change as well. We split up because over that much time, we have changed so drastically, that we are simply not the same people we fell in love with. I think you would do well to concentrate on what you desire from life as a singular entity, and if he's ready for marriage before your ready to move on to someone that is your "total package" per say, fantastic. However, you should not expect to change him or his opinions by making an effort to do so. Action through inaction.
I'm with Kraven, you are together and that should be enough...don't rush into it. It is OK to look forward to the future, but don't get so caught up in the future that you don't see what you have right now. Enjoy it. Don't force the marriage issue, but definitely continue to communicate. In my opinion, lack of communication is the major downfall of most relationships...it was in my marriage. Take the time to really get to know each other and continue learning about each other...but don't try to change each other. People only change because they themselves want to change...that motivation comes from within.
When I got married she was 21 and I was 26...I thought we were ready. She freely took the plunge without pressure, but 4-1/2 yrs later it turned out she wasn't ready. Knowing your partner is a must, but take time to get to know yourself as well.
SG_Blog
NEWSWIRE
I'm lost
DEC 26, 2011 07:01 AM