NEWS: Life Beyond the Bar Scene: Liquid Running

CULTURE: Life Beyond the Bar Scene: Liquid Running

by Laurelin

God damn this blinking cursor in front of me, mocking me. Usually a blank page sits in front of me and I feel calm, able to take a deep breath and start over with a refined touch and total control over my words. But not lately. Now I feel so much anger and hurt that I can’t even see anything besides a black swirl, all my words pouring jumbled out of my bloodshot eyes. I’m tired. I’m tired of working six nights a week and two days, sometimes having a day off here and there to fulfill an obligation to someone else rather than myself. Rushing to the train, rushing to the next state, rushing to meet a deadline when all I want to do is collapse. I am just exhausted. And no one is here to catch me as I’m falling to sleep. No one is there when I wake up. How can someone be in a relationship and still feel so alone?

I always tell my friends that as happy as I am with this new guy, I can’t help but have this sinking feeling that it’s just going in a really odd direction. I spend a lot more time feeling alone, lonely and missing him, than I do happily next to him. Working at the bar doesn’t really allow much time for dating. We got to know one another at work. We talk about bartending. We talk about booze. We drink beer. We stay up late and drink. I wonder what would happen if someone removed beer and the bar. We would have…Nothing. Which means that essentially, we have nothing to stand on -- it’s just liquid to stand in. It’s horrible to even type, but it’s been filling my head lately that what I have is simply nothing at all.

I got drunk the other night after my shift while he was working and with a little bit of liquid courage down the hatch I gave him a quick quiz. “We’ve been dating for three months,” I said. “What’s my favorite color?” He looked confused.

“Uh… red?” He said.

“No. It’s pink. But I guess you wouldn’t know that,” I said, turning up my nose. He looked baffled for a minute and then wandered off. I dropped the subject.

I try, I really do. What days off do we both have this week? Maybe we can fit in lunch one day before we go to work. For some reason, nothing ever seems to work besides work. How is it possible that one person in a relationship can be happy with only sharing smirks over a beer tap or holding hands after I finish day bar in the brief time before he comes on to work the night shift? Don’t people need to have sex, sleep in, go see movies, go to dinner, meet each other’s families? I can feel myself getting weaker, becoming someone who chases after someone else, and I can taste bile rising in the back of my throat -- that girl makes me sick. I shouldn’t have to chase after anyone to spend time with me, especially someone who calls themselves my boyfriend. How did this happen? How did I become this person and how do I get rid of it? Make her go AWAY. This girl is not me.

Part of me just has to laugh about all of this. I was in a relationship and not the happiest. I got dumped, I was sad. I found the silver lining, started dating, met idiots. Met an idiot that I liked. Thought he was different, new relationship, new problems, not the happiest. Damn you bar scene, damn you. My head is spinning, and I keep thinking back to a few weeks ago when my roommate and I went to go see a psychic. I don’t really believe in that junk –– fate, dead spirits and energies and all that –– but I don’t exactly not believe in it either. So, if for $30 someone can talk to me about stuff I don’t understand, sure, let’s have at it.

The psychic was probably just over 30, a few years older than me. She said I was creative, and that I spent too much time dwelling on past relationships and that I needed to learn to let things go. (Who doesn’t that apply to.) Then she said she didn’t really understand my current relationship. She looked confused for a minute and said, “He doesn’t know you. He thinks he does, and he thinks you’re great. And you ARE great. But…he doesn’t really know why you’re great. It’s not going to last. You’re going to end it, and you’re going to say, ‘You’re not even going to miss ME,’ and he’s going to be so upset, but you’re right.”

I hate to base my argument on why a relationship should end on something a psychic told me. But it’s like…this stranger just added a strange validation to my argument. Nothing solid to stand on, only our bar scene. Beer. Late nights. Liquid. I don’t chase after anyone, it’s not my style. Running however, that’s right up my alley, and luckily, nothing runs better than liquid.



***

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Life Beyond the Bar Scene: A Case of the Crazies
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Life Beyond the Bar Scene: How to Lose a Girl in Ten Minutes
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Wow. That story resonates with me ... all too well.

Again, wow.

Thank you for writing it. For "sharing" this emotion that most people seem to not have to tolerate.

going through this now. unfortunately my relationship is 8 years old.

Have you ever told him what your favorite color is? Have you ever told him that it's important to you for him to know what your favorite color is? Have you ever tried to get to know HIM beyond what you learn about him drunk at work?

My guess (from both reading this "episode" and others) is that the answer to all of the above questions is going to be mostly "no". And if that is in this case true, then my response is essentially: What on Earth do you expect?

You seem to spend a ton of time gassing on about how hard it is for you to find someone who relates to you in your particular situation. I don't see you spending nearly the same amount of time making an effort to relate to those people in the same way. At least, I rarely (if ever) see you mention it.

I'm going to make the radical suggestion that the points in the paragraph immediately above are likely interrelated.

Did you know his favorite color? Sometimes, in getting to know someone, information has to be volunteered and questions asked. Too often relationships are started based on nothing other than good sex and the need for someone to help pay the bills.
I don't want to say that there are no real psychics out there somewhere. But many of them are good at reading you and telling you things that they think will apply to you. Not really the source of good advice.
Having an opposite work schedule is tough.
Maybe it would be better to try to get to know each other better before making a relationship decision.

I find this interesting because often when I worked at the bar I tried to base relationships on whether they would fit in with the group from work. Now they were my group of friends and some still are my family, but I let to much revolve around that world, it worked well when I dated someone from work, or if I hooked up with a customer, but I look back on it and see that I probably missed a little here and there.

I can see how the lifestyle works well with what you are leading and that, that is a comfort, but I hope you find the greatness you deserve beyond the comfort.

Well, I guess a lot depends on if you really want to have the type of relationship with this guy where you know each other's favorite colors and do things other than drink together. Have either of you mentioned doing these other things to each other? If so, what was the response?

BTW, in terms of writing quality, I think this is one of the best articles you've published.

It's been 3 months.
Not quite sure what you expect after that short amount of time.
I don't even expect someone to be monogamous after 3 months.
You are just getting to know eachother.

I used to hate these columns for much the same reasons subrosa points out. But as they've become a regular pattern, I've started to appreciate the mood. It helps to imagine that laurelin is treating herself as a character. She knows that this is all a pile of mistakes, and she's enjoying the neverending slog and narrating it to us more than she wants to fix it. She's a grown up, and this is her life, and she likes it just the way it is. It's an exercise in performance art masochism, and for being that, the artist shows remarkable commitment.