NEWS: Plissken’s Shit Food Review: Totino’s Pizza Rolls

Well if it's a comforting thought, the factory i work for produces enough ketchup to drown 'em in all in.


Great article snake!

Speaking as an expert, prep methods for shit feed can mean the difference. Microwave for this is the lowest. Soggy, mushy, weird. The oven works better because is at least improves the texture. Sure it's a bit like polishing a turd, but I digress.

It may not be mentioned on the label, but the superior prep method is the deep-fryer. Mostly due to the fact hot oil improves the flavor of anything. You could whip up a tempura dog turd and I might give it a go. Only if you have ranch though.

I agree with you that it does change the texture, but with some food it just doesn't make enough of a difference for me to care. You do have an excellent point with the deepfryer though, if I have mine set up then that is how I cook pizza rolls. It's a personal taste issue though, my old man was a guy who just couldn't comprehend nuking them (pizza rolls and mama celeste pizzas were his favorite snacks, and there was a certain reference in eating them for him).

Baking or deep-frying definitely makes shitty microwave food better, but generally if I'm eating shitty microwave food, then it means I'm too lazy right now to wait for the oven--much less for the oil to heat up. If I'm not that lazy right now, then more than likely I'll at least be working with non-shitty microwave food.

I used to fucking love the single-person sized Mama Celeste pizzas when I was growing up.

My dad was a fantastic cook, but these were his guilty pleasure, to the point where it is the one food item I immediately associate with him in my mind. They aren't great, but I grab one for nostalgia's sake every now and then.

I haven't been able to even find them for at least a decade now. I thought they had gone out of business.

http://www.celestepizza.com/

Pudding pops are still out there too.

yeah, but they dont taste the same. I came accross some at the store and the texture and taste are different. unfortunately.

Didn't Cortez get molten Tortino's pizza roll topping filling poured down his throat? That's how World War 1 ended, if I'm not mistaken.

I like the "rehydrated enzyme modified cheese." Rehydrated? These fuckers are like a second away from dividing by zero. "They tampered in God's domain."

nice column. i have never seen the taco flavored ones, ever. (maybe it is a west coast thing?)
the problem with microwaving the pizza ones is that the time between 'cold in the center' and 'the insides splooging out of the middle' seems to be a millisecond. i think i have achieved it exactly once, but yet i still try for it.

I know what you mean. It's like they have a sweet spot that's the same with any prep method. You have to babysit the damn things or else all the fake shit squirts out like a possum hit by an 18 wheeler.

So hilarious! You rock.

I laughed, I cried, I vomited a bit. Good times.

Just a bit? Strong stomach on this one.

Mr Plinkett will be coming for you.

Never heard of this Plinkett fellow.

Maybe he means plicket?

/shameless excuse to spread the terrible pain of having watched this

I too will endeavor to read upon other postings like this one.