NEWS: The Gentleman’s Guide to The Friend Zone

CULTURE: The Gentleman’s Guide to The Friend Zone

by Coyotemike

It's been a long time, Gentlemen. But it seems you are still in need of my guidance in all things Gentlemanly. So, I am back. And I'm here to talk to you about a very scary and serious place: The Friend Zone.

Or, more specifically, I'm here to talk to you about how you are the one sticking your own head in that particular trap, time and time again.

What is the Friend Zone?



That's a good question, Timmy. Now, go play with the plutonium.

The Friend Zone is that dreaded situation when you meet someone you like, but for whatever reason, you become their friend instead of their romantic interest/bang-buddy. Signs of Friend Zone include:

• Cuddling, but no groping


• Long talks about relationships


• Casual attitude toward modesty, but no intimate contact


• Shopping


• Shared hotel rooms, but not shared beds


• Inclusion on "Girls' Night"


• Favors of a non-sexual variety (plant watering, animal care, etc)


• Girl-farts

You may find yourself wondering "How did this happen?" When you first met her, you were very interested in her, enjoyed spending time with her, and might even have visions of miniature versions of yourself exploding from her vagina.

So, what happened? Well, you made yourself into her friend. Let's look at a horribly overblown scenario that may well illustrate this.

Meet Trekka*



Cute, right? She loves dogs, photography, rats, and getting naked for no reason. You met her a few weeks ago, exchanged phone numbers, and have met for coffee a couple of times. You're working up the courage to ask her to dinner when the following conversation occurs.

Trekka:

You:

Trekka:

[End Scene.]

Guess what? You're now in the Friend Zone. While you're pushing a suppository up a dog's butt, Trekka is falling in love with Captain Bob, whose real name is Roberta Jones, noted male impersonator, who will take her up to Canada to meet her parents and enter into Canadian Gay Marriage.

Lets run the scene again, and see if you can spot the difference:

Trekka:

You:

Trekka:

You:

Trekka:

[Fade out of the conversation.]

Did you spot the difference? Let's look again. In the first go around, you swooped in to solve her problems, and give extraordinary help, above and beyond the time and level of intimacy of your relationship. You took on a favor that only a friend would do, and before you know it you're going to be getting sobbing phone-calls about how Captain Bob keeps drinking champagne out of the leading boi's navel during intermission.

In the second version, you let her solve her own problems, then created another level of connection by talking about a shared passion (transvestite show tunes). Since she knows you're into them, she may well come back with stories to tell during your next get-together - and it gives you an opening to invite her to the all-transvestite version of Oklahoma that is coming to town.

A great deal of this has to do with respecting women as people. I understand (due to being a dude) that men like to fix things. We like to solve problems. But, unless actually asked, women really don't need us to solve their problems for them. Trekka didn't ask you to take care of her dog. She merely mentioned that she had a problem. She had the solution at hand, and once she talked it out, she made her decision. She didn't need a hero; she needed a pair of ears.

But why does this lead to the Friend Zone? The easy answer is Time. You've known Trekka for only a couple of weeks. You are not, as of yet, either friend or boyfriend. You are person she is getting to know. When you offered to take care of her dog, she probably thought "Wow, what a great friend."

Now, this is by no means the only way someone enters The Friend Zone. There are so many variables that will determine a relationship. You might be F.Z.ed because:

• She is in a relationship


• She just got OUT of a relationship


• She's into chicks


• She's an avowed celibate


• She doesn't date guys with 11 toes

But the real, true, main reason anyone ends up in The Friend Zone is because they put themselves there. If you act like her friend, you will be her friend. If you don't tell her that you want to take her roughly from behind in the shower, then go for pancakes, you won't.

If you want to avoid the Friend Zone, there are some simple steps:

• Be direct. Ask her out on a DATE


• Be honest. Tell her you're interested in her


• Be respectful. Listen to her, don't try to "fix" her


• And, above all, be a Gentleman (no whining allowed).

* No actual women were emotionally harmed during research for this article. All conversations with Trekka are fabricated. See more of Trekka, including her recent hopeful set, Sail Away, at SuicideGirls.com.

Thanks for the advice, this talking to girls seems to be quite tricky.

But i also have a little tip for you in return: Remember her name. Don't call her Hannah, while her name is Trekka. Even if it is just one time, it will have serious consequences. You will be happy to stay on her friends list for this.

yeah, I noticed that too. The author might want to see if he can edit that out if need be.

Otherwise, good article.

Dammit, I thought I caught all the name changes. My apologies.

Thanks. And it isn't really that big of a deal, since that isn't Trekka's real name.

As a former season ticket holder in the "Nice-Guy Friend Zone", this article is painfully on point.

Maybe coyotemikes next primer should inform guys the correct level of asshole, douchebag or aloof they should be in order to get the girl.

30% genuiness
45% "I have my own life/interests"
20% real confidence
5% cleanliness

So long as their not nice though. Got it.

This.

There is a difference between being nice and being a "Nice Guy." Being nice is just good manners, and is a positive personality trait. Being a "Nice Guy" can be just as douchy as the worst asshole out there.

"Nice Guy"ness really smacks of psychological manipulations. It can be simplified as "if I do nice things for her, she'll let me play with her boobs." It is trying to get someone to do something that they wouldn't do of their own accord.

The most common "Nice Guy" complaint I see is "I do all the listening, all the talking late at night, all the boring shopping, all the (whatever), but then she goes for some other guy who I think is all wrong for her."

Am I the only person who sees the levels of abject dishonesty in those complaints? The person who says that isn't even being a very good friend, let alone a potential boyfriend. He (it is nearly always, but not always a he) is doing those things to get some sort of reward, which also means he is objectifying the "she" of the equation. Then, when he doesn't get what he wants, it's all her fault for not holding up her end of a bargain that she had no hand in creating.

So, yeah, be nice. But don't be a Nice Guy. They're assholes.

Then said "nice guy" is not a nice guy and should not be labeled as such. How about calling those people what they are, manipulative, passive aggressive assholes.

Labeling those types of people "nice guys" do a disservice to the guys out there who are actually nice guys.

The nice guy definition has always annoyed me.

It comes from their self-labelling. The "I'm a nice guy, why doesn't she like me?" whine.

That doesn't mean everyone else should reinforce that label to describe them.

The fact that some emotionally impotent/damaged individuals want to call themselves "nice guys" when it only applies to themselves in their own twisted logic doesn't mean that everyone else should take something that should be a positive thing to be, an actual nice guy, and let it be twisted into describing someone who is anything but.

Exactly. Most guys I've known who label themselves as Nice Guys but have always had a problem with women (because they're really manipulative stalkerish assholes), give actual nice guys a bad name.
I'm married to a nice guy who is not a Nice Guy.

Also, nice article!

Nevemind. I just don't see the point of using a false description for someone regardless of intent. Maybe instead of using the term "nice guy" people could start calling them what they are and maybe they will get the picture? You know like calling someone who is a manipulative douchebag a manipulative douchebag instead of a nice guy no matter what said manipulative douchebag calls himself.

So do that. But you can't hold me, or Morgan, or anyone else responsible for popular language usage.

Absolutely.
And they sometimes equate guys who are assertive and direct in dealing with dating as "assholes and douchebags", because they can't understand why their good friend routine isn't getting them the girl. Then it eventually becomes the girl's flaw of "Why do girls always like the asshole and ignore the nice guy?"

The day I finally got tired of being a loyal sidekick and confidant and decided to actually go after what I wanted in life and a relationship I got what I wanted. And you'd be hard-pressed to find anyone who could label me as aloof, a douchebag or an asshole. I was just honest.

Full Disclosure: my first post ever on SG was a "Do chicks really prefer assholes?" thread. I lived that life and it is fucking embarrassing.