NEWS: Life Beyond the Bar Scene: Does it Exist?

CULTURE: Life Beyond the Bar Scene: Does it Exist?

by Laurelin

When I first came up with the idea for this column, the name “Life Beyond the Bar Scene” just seemed perfect. The life I lead is so immersed in the service industry that I really can’t see past it right now; everyone I know in Boston I met at a bar. Literally, everyone. Everywhere I turn, it’s bartenders, servers, bouncers, barbacks, nightlife, my life. It wasn’t always this way.

When I first moved to Boston from Rhode Island five years ago I was escaping the coastal college bar scene that had become my life. After waitressing in restaurants though high school and waitressing in bars, nightclubs and strip clubs through college I was desperate for change - I called it the life of strobe lights and glitter. With the threat of becoming too tan, too skinny, and too hung up on easy money, I ran to Boston with a new 9-5 job as a preschool teacher five years after graduating college.

After almost a year of lonely early nights and lonely early mornings teaching, I gave up. Waking up with the sun, coffee and toast for one in the morning, packed lunch for one in the afternoon, and a rushed cooked dinner and TV for one in the evenings wasn’t for me. Coming home exhausted to the cat every afternoon around 5, looking forward to weekends that ended too quickly, trying to date but not having the time - God, I am getting nauseous just thinking about it. So, I came crawling back to the only other thing I had ever known - bars.

I started waitressing and instantly had a Boston family; I couldn’t have been happier. Ever since my first night at that restaurant on Brighton Avenue in Allston it began again - the bar scene life that other people leave behind in their early twenties was now going to see me into my thirties. It was ready and waiting for me with open arms, and I dove back into them, telling myself that I would leave when I was ready; the money is too good, the hours are too easy, and for now, this life fits who I am. Hell, I even got hired to write about it!

But the line between my professional life as a waitress turned bartender and nightlife writer and my actual personal life has lately become blurred. Where does the job end and the lifestyle begin? Can the two ever really be separated? I was unable to date in the 9-5 environment. The one guy I was with for a while was ten years older than me, and even he said I wasn’t giving him enough time. I fell off the planet after a few months, figuring with our age difference it wouldn’t have worked out anyways. He recovered quickly so I was told, and when I ran into him next he was with a woman his age. I couldn’t help but be a little jealous, even though our parting way had been my choice.

Once I got back into the service industry I was back in action. I met some really amazing guys my age, dated, hooked up, had some amazing relationships…but all with servers, bouncers, or bartenders - I was happy with these guys, but we all had the same problem: the nightlife. We were all wild. When it comes to relationships, I’ve always told guys that they need to keep up or get out. Other industry people understand me, they understand the life.

I’m not easy to keep up with; I’m not exactly the mild mannered little girl you want to take home to meet your parents. That’s what I keep telling myself anyways. The reality is actually quite different, although lately I have been questioning my ability to find a balance. After my last relationship ended six months ago I can’t help but feel like two different people. I keep asking myself, what’s the difference between who you are when you’re single and who you are when you’re in a relationship?

I truly believe the service industry has effected me and what I expect out of guys and relationships in general. I’ve always come off as tough, crass, and sarcastic - and that is who I am - but there’s another side under there somewhere. I am a hopeless romantic. I believe in fairy tales, love at first sight, soul mates. I like wild nights out, but there’s just something nice about having someone to come home to, quiet nights in, and routine. Those are things that you rarely find when you’re dating within the bar scene.

That hopeless romantic isn’t around much these days,. Up until six months ago she was me, and she believed in happily ever after. I don’t even know that person anymore. I’d say that I don’t recognize myself, but I know exactly who this crazy girl is. She’s my worse half, and for some reason she keeps looking for answers on the bottom of a bottle of Jameson.

This lifestyle is literally dousing gasoline on what was already an out of control fire, and all I can do is stand and watch. Back in September it was justifiable. I was just out of a serious relationship and needed to get back out there. Now it’s just taken a turn for the weird. I literally see myself acting a certain way or saying certain things, and it’s almost like I’m watching someone else sabotage my life. I’m my own nightmare, waking up mornings and just thinking, “Oh God, not again…”

I know that I’m a handful, and that nothing is ever easy. “Keep up or get out” seems to be where I’m at right now, even though in the back of my mind I know I can’t do it forever (nor do I want to, honestly). All I can do right now is work on finding a balance. Is there a life for me beyond the bar scene? I think so. I hope so. Because I’m exhausted.

I think finding a balance is just making sure your values reflect your actions in your lifestyle. If someone's job is their life and they're not happy about their job, their life is not going to be happy.

As a former bartender i empathise with your plight, once you spend enough time in the hospitality industry and your social circle morphs into a ring of fellow night owls it can be quite lonely and daunting moving away from it . There is a life after it though, I've been out of the industry for about five years now , and moved between states a couple times in that period aswell . While it does take time I have built a whole new social life , albeit not what it was in my bertending days , and i certainly dont pick up as many woman as I used to :p . While I dont have the answers to your dilemma I can tell you its possible. In my eyes the luckiest people in the world are those who make a living doing something they love, next in line I think are those who make a living doing something cruisy enough to still allow a social life, which is about where I sit . My advice would be challenge yourself to step outside your comfort zone and find happiness elsewhere. The lifestyle you described sounds a mirror image of my previous existence, so it can be done . Good luck....

I can't say that I completely understand your sentiments, but I do know some of your problems. I actually travel with Ringling Brothers as I'm continuing to build my career as a technician. I travel the country with a group of 100 people that includes some single people, some couples, and a handful of married people traveling together on the road. I've now been on the road for nearly 4 years and I don't know how I'm going to transition to something else, but I can tell you that holding a relationship with certain lifestyles is really hard. I haven't given up hope and I know that one day that perfect person is going to cross my path and we're going to make it work. For now, I say ride the wave and keep the job, but try and keep an eye to the horizon for that one special person who is going to help you find yourself and your center. If I find the secret, I'll send it your way as well.

Great article!!!!

What a brilliantly well written article,

I have also worked in bars for many years, and have somehow managed to get from behind the stick and now work selling rum into bars, so my social/working circle is still the same, and thankfully my job isn’t a 9-5 if it was I wouldn’t want it... The bar community is so close and we all look after each other, knowing that going for a quiet drink never ends at one, knowing that any given day you can go to any bar in town and a friend will be there.

I completely understand how life and work are hand in hand, but hell thats why I love my life, and thats how I see it, dancing the fine line between work/life/friends/customers can be difficult but is immensely fun, you have to live your life and things will always work out for the best, and the road never seems to be a straight one...

I think if you live life in the bar scene, how ever far you get from it you will always have that connection, and the friends that you make in it...

Life Beyond the Bar Scene: Escaping the Matrix only to Rebuild It With an Endless Stack of PBR Cans and Whiskey Bottles.

Wow, this is exactly how my life is. I always thought I was the only one. But every thing you said fits exactly how I feel.... Strange yet refreshing......

One thing that struck me about this article is the Boston part. I am originally from outside Boston and it is always my home and where I go back to, but we are, to say the least a drinking town. When I separated myself from the city, and the college scene...I went to Roger Williams University in Bristol...I realized just how much of a drinking town we were.

Other folks from around party for sure, but not with the same zest. Maybe it's time for a bigger change then the hour hop from RI to Boston?

In terms of a hopeless romantic and the bar scene. I just think some of the greatest minds and writers were historic alcoholics living in bars. What I mean by that, is there are smart, lovely people all over the place. Especially in Boston. It's a fantastic place. Is there no hope for you? There is always hope. Take a trip down the South Shore towards my end sometime. Hit Plymouth Harbor and drink over at the Cabby Shack. Relax, enjoy a different atmosphere. Like someone else said, the right one might be walking into your bar, just keep your eyes open.

here is what to do:

some friday go to bed early.

in the early morning get out of bed. put on WBUR. make black coffee. perhaps you have some of those barely sweet sort of chewy Portuguese rolls with walnuts that are all over Boston? There should be an orange to peel.

don't lounge around long, head out: eyes and ears wide open, nice fitting jeans, the right shirt. in honor of spring, perhaps no bra.
go from there.
rain? make your way to The Gardner. have a nice lunch, breath the spicy "courtyard" aroma.
go from there.
super nice day? pack the car for Truro, a nice stretch of Ballston. people around but far from crowded. take off your clothes. Jump in the Atlantic. Let the sun warm you up.
go from there

I found myself doing the bar scene and getting into a similar rut.