NEWS: Plissken’s Shit Food Review: The McRib

CULTURE: Plissken’s Shit Food Review: The McRib

by SnakePlissken

I’m a pig. Not in an “all women should be in the kitchen making me a pie” way, or the “good lord your personal hygiene is questionable at best” sort either. Frankly I can make my own pie, and I give my undercarriage a tremendous amount of attention shower-wise. Some might argue to a degree that I carry the task beyond mere maintenance, but frankly I feel any job worth doing is worth doing right.

So what sort of pig am I? I’m more of the “you are what you eat” kind. Simply put, I’ve ate me some pig. Growing up in Iowa it was a food group along with corn, meth, and natural light. Summers full of bacon sandwiches and corn on the cob, and cold as shit winter evenings eating enough ham and potatoes to send you into a mild yet non-responsive coma. And, as in any tiny, shitty Iowa town – the kind so small they don’t even have a grocery store – there were at least ten places to get a tenderloin sandwich. But that’s for a different episode, for now I’m simply establishing my credentials in terms of my porkucation.



Instead, we talk about the anti-pork. The McRib. That delightful McDonald’s dish best described as everything but the oink ground up and molded into it’s namesake in a place which I can only describe as Hell’s play dough fun factory. What’s worse is they put pickles on it.



Ok first off, what the hell McDonald’s? Grilled chicken? GRILLED CHICKEN? That sounds remotely healthy.



Oh, thank christ. Wait, perhaps not. It does look a bit like I just opened the door to a porta-potty that just rolled down a hill. Ugh, let’s look under the hood.



Pickles, onions, and awful. I still hate the idea of pickles on this thing. It’s not that I’m all “fuck pickles in their ass!” or anything. It’s just not right with BBQ. Even the fake stuff. Let’s see how she handles.





Not bad. Good integrity in the palm. Nice balance. You might be able to eat this in traffic while texting and giving a taxi driver the finger. You really would think the amount of gloppy sauce would cause some bun to meat(?) slippage, but it hangs right in there. Dare I try it?



One bite and I’m scared. The texture is disturbingly soft. The kind of soft that can only come from an unprecedented amount of processing, not from slow smoking. And they said this brownish red glop was barbecue sauce. This is clearly whored-up ketchup. Or catsup. Whatever the fuck you want to call it, this shit makes me want to punch a sack of puppies. It’s almost nauseatingly sweet, but does do a fairly good job of masking the taste of the “meat,” which I can only describe as ambiguously flavored. If stressed, I would simply say it tastes fried, and leave it at that.

So how was it in all? It was an insult to barbeque, that’s how it was. True barbeque is a thing of beauty; a slow production that shows tremendous respect to the ingredients and time-honored techniques. This was, at best, a pale imitation. I must confess this was my first experience with the McRib. And my last.



2/10 flushes

SnakePlissken can’t get the smell off his fingers. His resolution for 2011 is to track down his white buffalo – the cheeseburger-in-a-can – which can be found in its natural habitat on the supermarket shelves of Germany. There’s a reward waiting for anyone that can hunt one down for him.

I just don't get the cut following of the McRib. I forget how awful they are and order one every few years.

Suggestion for the next one? BK's upcoming cheddar and jalepeno stuffed steakhouse burger.

Wait, what? Cheeseburger in a can? I'd eat the fuck outta that.

The last time I had a McRib I went out later that day and got a pork shoulder to slow cook and drench in Arthur Bryant's barbecue sauce in order to kill the taste left in my mouth...and the shame.

I hadn't had one in probably 20 years....and I never eat at McDonald's..save for the few times I find myself tanked at Philadelphia's 30th Street Station waiting for the last train back to Jersey.

That being said...I wanted to see why the McRib was so popular. Much like Snake here...I quickly found out that it's popular because McDonalds WANTS it to be popular. I instantly hated myself for eating it...and my digestive system concurred a little later.

Do Not Want.

I'm fairly sure the McRib has set numerous land speed records on how fast waste matter will exit the human body.

It's more like the McSluice.

The only thing faster coming out of a pipe is a Georgian luger. Ohhh, too soon?

It's truly Draino for your bowels.

I don't wanna!
I don't wanna!
I don't...

The McRib will lance any shitboils you have festering in the lower intestines.

Thanks for the thoughtful food review. I've eaten the McRib on several occasions, and I'd be willing to do so again. I admit though that it's not good in any conventional sense, and I agree that part of the problem is that real barbeque is so much better.

As far as cheeseburgers in a can, I did have a brief phase of eating White Castle cheeseburgers that were bought from a vending machine and microwaved. Not good, but then again there are some who would argue that "real" White Castle cheeseburgers are not good either, and I like those a lot, even if they're... uh... not good, in any conventional sense.

How the fuck has this not been posted yet?

Great review, SnakePlissken. You truly captured the horror that is the McRib. I tried one of these monstrosities many years ago, and that try counted as twice - first and last. This thing really is an insult to barbecue.

I did not need another reason to never consume this "food" but I will never argue against a column from Snake.

He suffers so that we all may learn.

Now i'm hungry.

Are you really saying this only had a 2 flush impact on your body? I would think this level of abomination from McD's would have made your bowels absolutely sing in agony

I'm a secret (or maybe not so) lover of trash food- I have a gutter palate to beat all gutter palates. I'd been avoiding eating this for years because I was afraid I might love it (something similar happened with KFC's Double Down. That one actually ended up being pretty delicious despite that weird fake-bacon flavor it has).

So I finally had one and...I couldn't even finish it. I was so disappointed. Not just with the sandwich, but with myself, too. I really thought I could eat anything, but this dump on a bun proved me WRONG.

Also, ain't NOTHING wrong with pickles and BBQ. I would never eat a chopped beef sandwich without them. But the McRib isn't BBQ, so I guess it doesn't matter.

I never understood the popularity of the mcrib either.


Though an egg mcmuffin, hashbrown and coke is still the best cure for a hangover I have ever found.

Excellent review.
It looks vile.

Don't knock the sauce-that's where the magic is. Years ago I worked at McDonald's and I can still recall the smell of the McRib as it came off the grill. It was nauseating. However, add some whored-up ketchup and let it sit well past its holding time and you have a tasty sammich worthy of its cult following.

I've heard you can order bacon on your McRib, though they don't advertise it.