NEWS: Plissken’s Shit Booze Review: Chelada

CULTURE: Plissken’s Shit Booze Review: Chelada

by SnakePlissken

Linkin Park. George W getting two terms. Surprise diarrhea. Justin Bieber haircuts. That stuff that forms at the edge of your lips when you’re really thirsty. Getting rid of the bodies. The smell of cat shit. The lack of new Quantum Leap episodes. Bleeding from my urethra. Other people’s farts. Low sodium soy sauce. The current trend of replacing “s” with “z” in fucking everything. Douchebagz who intentionally leave stickerz on their hatz. That guy who fucked me over on that sack I fronted him in 2000. Paper cuts. Wacky morning DJ’s. People who frown upon bad fucking words. Turkey bacon. That big mole on my back that most likely is cancerous. White guys with cornrows. These are all things I hate with a goddamn passion. Not quite “back a truck into a Luby’s Cafeteria and shoot everybody with a deer rifle” caliber homicidal irritation, but pretty close. Only two things are worse to me; Clamato and Budweiser. And now they’ve put them together and called it Chelada.



First off you might ask “what the fuck is Clamato?” Simply put, it’s a delightful blend of tomato juice concentrate and clam juice. Yeah, I’m serious. People drink this shit and like it. They must anyway; it’s been in production since 1969. Somehow I blame hippies for this. As for the Budweiser – it’s shit too but people also like it. People are stupid. That explains the whole “Linkin Park” and “George W getting two terms” thing I guess. But nothing can explain Chelada. It’s just two nasty beverages combined to make something even nastier. It’s like gene-splicing Hitler and Jessica Simpson together; just a bad idea all-around.

Since you fuckers like to see me suffer I went ahead and brought some to a recent shindig so I could at least make MisterSatan drink some of this nasty shit with me. He was less than thrilled with the idea to say the least. I was less than thrilled with the notion of even purchasing this stuff. It was more embarrassing than the first time I bought porno. Thank god I can just buy that stuff online these days. Now only the nice people at US Bank know I’m a dirty pervert.



The Pour

It pours out like any other shit American lager does, producing a slight and instant head that fades to nothing within moments. Normally I like my beer to produce a nice head, but frankly for this one the notion of clammy foam in my mustache makes me want to hoarke. And the color. Oh god, the color. Making a crude joke about that is just too easy.

The Aroma

Aroma is reserved for delightful beers full of robust malt character and hop deliciousness. This stuff has no aroma. It has a stink. Hints of Worcestershire, tomato, corn, and a big ole’ whiff of clam. I’ve got to say it’s really proper that it only comes from a can because frankly it smells like ass.



[As MisterSatan put it: "it smelled like a clam's hangover puke."]

The Flavor

SnakePlissken: “If you spilled this stuff accidentally I could easily see a janitor toddling in from out of no-where, sprinkling sawdust on it, and sweeping it up. It’s that terrible.”

MisterSatan: “It was like having an angry tomato piss right into your mouth.”

SnakePlissken: “It tastes like I went to an undersea kegger that vurped while going down on the little mermaid afterwards.”

MisterSatan: “I’m convinced ‘Chelada’ is Español for ‘projectile vomit’, or possibly even ‘unholy slurry’.”

The Verdict

A confirmed drain dumper, I deported this quickly to the PDX waste treatment center. I don’t throw away alcohol, but this one was gone in a second. This stuff is best reserved for bets or buying for underage kids when they give you a twenty and say “whatever.” That’s how you discourage youth drinking leaders of America. Chelada.

1/10

SnakePlissken can’t get the taste out of his mouth.

For further information on MisterSatan go to ShitRandyHates.com/ or consult your local library.

My parents love this stuff, but I can't even be in the room when they drink it.

I swear sometimes people get bored and say "let's see if the public will buy this", just to test how stupid Americans are.

Saw a billboard for this crap about a year ago when I first moved back from Hawaii and wondered what the hell had happened to the mainland while I was gone.

Also: vurped. That's a new one.

Jesus, this shit is the ONLY time in my life I've had to wind myself up to drink something that wasn't a hooker peeing on me.

Seriously, it tastes like the floor of a gay porno set cast entirely with day laborers.

Also: man, I can't believe I STILL look like I have a Subway Melt lodged in my neck.

I can't believe you guys are still friends after he gave you something like that to try.

That shit is awful. Thanks for taking one for the team for hilarity's sake.

Snake also bought him the hooker.

Try this shot:

Hida's Blood

1/3 part vodka
1/3 part peppermint schnapps (stronger the better)
1/3 part Clamato

Have fun!

Well, that is what good friends do.

"chelada", hilarious stuff. real limes are apparently too difficult for people. that stuff has sucked since it hit the market in 07 or whatever.

nice review, bro. loved the intro.

my neighbors, too. bluh.

Wow, pretty scary.

Back in the midwest we always called them Redeyes. And by "we" I mean "the creepy old farmer with one eye who constantly ate pickled eggs".

I love Micheladas without the tamoto/clamato juice. Best hangover remedy.

I also don't think Clamato is that gross.

I was given a can of this as a "gift" by Mr. buttonbutton several Christmases ago. I still have it. incorrigible is afraid it's going to explode just from allowing evil to exist in one place for so long.

I'd listen to her- a can of that shit's like evil concentrate.

I have noticed it staring menacingly at me from atop the cupboard. I like the think the jug of corn whiskey next to it is keeping it in check.

This is what stares at me.

SPOILERS! (Click to view)

The horror. The horror.

Try a Bloody Caesar it is a Bloody Mary made with Clamato instead of tomato juice


Acceptable drinks made with beer; Boilermakers and Beer Busters. A Beer Buster is a Boilermaker with tabasco added.

SnakePlissken said:

toothpickmoe said:

MisterSatan said:

toothpickmoe said:
I was given a can of this as a "gift" by Mr. buttonbutton several Christmases ago. I still have it. incorrigible is afraid it's going to explode just from allowing evil to exist in one place for so long.

I'd listen to her- a can of that shit's like evil concentrate.

I have noticed it staring menacingly at me from atop the cupboard. I like the think the jug of corn whiskey next to it is keeping it in check.

This is what stares at me.

SPOILERS! (Click to view)

The horror. The horror.

There is far too much online documentation about that beer.

Did MisterSatan look like that before he drank it?

It looks like transmission oil.

The crappy thing about this (well, ONE crappy thing) is that a michelada done right is actually fucking good. But no, Bud had to co-opt it and mix beer with clamato and call it the same thing.

KILL IT WITH FIRE