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SnakePlissken

SnakePlissken

Corvallis, OR
December 2002

SEP 23, 2010 07:01 AM

by SnakePlissken

Growing up as a forced Catholic really fucking sucked. Now, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking I’m going to make a butt-fucking joke right? Nope. I was going to make a “getting up early on a Sunday” joke. It’s really the only thing worse than forced sodomy. But what those early Sundays were great for was shit booze. A little hit of something cheap and sweet when you’re half-awake really goes well with a slice o’ Christ. To this day I still don’t mind hitting the sauce a little early on the Day of Rest. Today I choose something cheap and purple. A little something called Four Loko Uva.

According to the webshite, Four Loko Uva (a.k.a. headache in a can), is named after a Brazilian berry of the same name. I’m guessing the berry doesn’t also contain taurine, guarana, caffeine, and 12 % ABV though. Yep, this shit has all that peppy stuff blended right in, not only making the drinker asshole-loud, but not able to pass out. Great.





The Pour

That’s damn purple stuff. If it weren’t so highly carbonated I might be convinced it came out of Grimace. How much more purple could this be? And the answer is none. None more purple. It truly looks just like a glass of good ole’ store brand purple drink, from the fizzy slight head to the syrupy consistency. If I was a teenage I’d put it in a soda bottle to sneak into the school box socials, or whatever the fuck it is that kids do today.

The Aroma

When I was little, mom used to make me take a goddamn chewable vitamin every night before bed. Usually it was a cheap-o store brand that tasted like fruit-dipped asshole, but sometimes it was a Flintstones chewable. They tasted slightly less like fruit-dipped asshole, so it was a real treat. The red was the best, the purple was the worst. And when I took a whiff of Four Loko Uva I smelled Flintstones grape-dipped asshole. Shit. Behind that is the distinct twang of cheap alcohol. Slightly like the kind best reserved for cuts and bruises. Betty Ford would turn this down.

The Flavor

I hate when products call their flavor grape, or in this case compare it to grape, and it never tastes like grape. It always just tastes like purple. A weird saccharine sweet version of the fruit is what this product presents, with a noticeable aftertaste that lets you know it’s an energy drink. And the alcohol? Oh it’s there, starting a little campfire in your belly. Maybe making some s’mores. Settling in with its friends until it’s time to get tossed out like a hobo caught in a freight yard by a railroad dick. Not quite Robitussin, but not far off.

The Verdict

The devil isn’t red, he’s purple and fits in a can. This is the stuff you’d probably see shirtless guys at ICP concerts drink all day. You know the ones, they usually end up head butting a security guard or falling off of a stack of speakers. Seriously, my gut felt rough the next day after this one, so I recommend caution. It’ll hurt ya.

4/10

SnakePlissken wasn’t sure if butt-fucking was one word or simply hyphenated.

J24U

J24U

Danvers, MA
February 2006

SEP 23, 2010 07:18 AM

Your continued and sadistic abuse of your liver is an always welcome amusement to me. Excellent job sir.

Rizzo

Rizzo

SUICIDEGIRL

Illinois, USA

SEP 23, 2010 10:27 AM

I was introduced to Four Lokos recently, but I believe it was the red flavor (whatever the fuck that consists of). This stuff is so gross but I guess people love it for pre-gaming.

Mark_plus_Beer

Mark_plus_Beer

United Kingdom
August 2005

SEP 23, 2010 10:42 AM

I salute you for drinking this. I've drunk alot of horrible stuff over the years, and that sounds nasty.

Cash

Cash

USA
OLD SKOOL

SEP 23, 2010 10:53 AM

You, sir........are a hero; sacrificing your liver for our entertainment.

motorfirebox

motorfirebox

Pittsburgh, PA
March 2004

SEP 23, 2010 12:42 PM

"Four Loko Uva" sounds like some sort of exceptionally arcane sex act.

Stiles

Stiles

Philadelphia, PA
November 2002

SEP 23, 2010 01:26 PM

As always, fine entertainment for us at the cost of significant internal drama to you. Well done sir.

Thistle

Thistle

SUICIDEGIRL

California, USA

SEP 23, 2010 03:47 PM

Uva means grape en espanol. I guess in Brazilian Portuguese it means mysterious energy berry.

SnakePlissken

SnakePlissken

Corvallis, OR
December 2002

SEP 23, 2010 03:51 PM

Thistle said:
Uva means grape en espanol. I guess in Brazilian Portuguese it means mysterious energy berry.



It means "magic whistling vomit berry" in Sandskrit.

MisterSatan

MisterSatan

Portland, OR
August 2002

SEP 23, 2010 04:04 PM

It's no purple drank, that's for sure.

zoom image

MrCrisp

MrCrisp

I'm lost
August 2004

SEP 23, 2010 04:14 PM

Toss in some promethazine and codeine, and you've got yourself one helluva sizzurp. Also, death.

CoyoteMike

CoyoteMike

Iowa City, IA
May 2006

SEP 23, 2010 04:14 PM

I want to find the producers and punch them in the taint, then give them an enema of their own product.

SilverSurfer

SilverSurfer

MODERATOR

Chicago, IL

SEP 23, 2010 04:31 PM

Another funny and weirdly informative shit booze review. Keep 'em coming, please.

DevilsReject

DevilsReject

Cleveland, OH
February 2007

SEP 23, 2010 05:32 PM

The world needs more asshole-loud drunks incapable of passing out.

MisterSatan

MisterSatan

Portland, OR
August 2002

SEP 23, 2010 05:42 PM

MrCrisp said:
Toss in some promethazine and codeine, and you've got yourself one helluva sizzurp. Also, death.



I think you meant dextromethorphan, holmes.

meatpieboy

meatpieboy

Korea, D.P.R.
June 2004

SEP 23, 2010 06:05 PM

MisterSatan said:

MrCrisp said:
Toss in some promethazine and codeine, and you've got yourself one helluva sizzurp. Also, death.



I think you meant dextromethorphan, holmes.



Burn.

toothpickmoe

toothpickmoe

Los Angeles, CA
May 2004

SEP 23, 2010 06:07 PM

MisterSatan said:

MrCrisp said:
Toss in some promethazine and codeine, and you've got yourself one helluva sizzurp. Also, death.



I think you meant dextromethorphan, holmes.


You Northwesterners are so hip with the turbble wayz uf gettin splayed.

Thanks again, Snake. I've never heard of this vile shit before now and I've never felt less sad. At least it's not breaking your bank.

MrCrisp

MrCrisp

I'm lost
August 2004

SEP 23, 2010 06:56 PM

MisterSatan said:

MrCrisp said:
Toss in some promethazine and codeine, and you've got yourself one helluva sizzurp. Also, death.



I think you meant dextromethorphan, holmes.



According to Wikipedia...

SPOILERS! (Click to view)

The most popular type of codeine syrup is promethazine-codeine, a prescription cough syrup. The active ingredients are codeine, a narcotic, and the antihistamine medication promethazine. When taken in large quantities, both medications can lead to sedation and altered levels of consciousness. The addition of these antihistamines is intended to deter abuse at high doses (in doses higher than recommended, effects produce extreme somnolence, weakness and may even cause fatal respiratory depression). In lower doses, these potentiate the opiates.

Prescription cough syrups containing hydrocodone are also used to make the drink, though they are less popular. Songs like "Sippin' on Some Syrup" by Three 6 Mafia refer to Tussionex, a yellow cough syrup containing extended-release hydrocodone and chlorpheniramine (another antihistamine). Other hydrocodone-containing syrups such as Histinex HC, Hycotuss, and Hycodan may also be used but have the addition of atropine to deter abuse. Syrup also is made with over-the-counter cough syrups such as Robitussin DM, which contain dextromethorphan as the cough suppressant. Although dextromethorphan is used recreationally, it has dissociative effects as opposed to narcotic. Dextromethorphan is a synthetic morphine analog that has been on the market in the United States since the 1960s. It is a cough suppressant in small doses, but in large doses it can result in a disassociative state, with hallucinations, similar to that produced by PCP or ketamine.



Tallboy___66

Tallboy___66

Chicago, IL
December 2009

SEP 23, 2010 06:58 PM

DevilsReject said:
The world needs more asshole-loud drunks incapable of passing out.



Finally I found a place I fit in.biggrin

Tallboy___66

Tallboy___66

Chicago, IL
December 2009

SEP 23, 2010 07:02 PM



As usual I had some lightweight stuff but I used to pit a mini shot of Jim beam in it, combined with the increased heart rate, the agitation of too much Caffeine along with Whiskey blackeyed puke biggrin

The best part was the crash after. eeek

Thistle

Thistle

SUICIDEGIRL

California, USA

SEP 23, 2010 11:21 PM

Four Loko exists because Sparks doesn't have caffeine in it anymore. At least not in California.

So sad. Pour one out for Sparks.

Shal

Shal

Los Angeles, CA
October 2002

SEP 23, 2010 11:59 PM

Thistle said:
Four Loko exists because Sparks doesn't have caffeine in it anymore. At least not in California.

So sad. Pour one out for Sparks.



Just make ice cubes with this:




If you're already drinking Sparks, drinking it over ice can't be that much worse.

MrCrisp

MrCrisp

I'm lost
August 2004

SEP 24, 2010 12:02 AM

Shal said:

Thistle said:
Four Loko exists because Sparks doesn't have caffeine in it anymore. At least not in California.

So sad. Pour one out for Sparks.



Just make ice cubes with this:




If you're already drinking Sparks, drinking it over ice can't be that much worse.



Or start from scratch.

Shal

Shal

Los Angeles, CA
October 2002

SEP 24, 2010 12:10 AM



Oh my god.

surreal

Maxx

maxx

Los Angeles, CA
July 2002

SEP 24, 2010 12:23 AM


of all the retarded shit to stop me: I couldn't find the correct flavors of pez. I should attempt this again.

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