NEWS: Plissken’s Shit Booze Review: Four Loko Uva

CULTURE: Plissken’s Shit Booze Review: Four Loko Uva

by SnakePlissken

Growing up as a forced Catholic really fucking sucked. Now, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking I’m going to make a butt-fucking joke right? Nope. I was going to make a “getting up early on a Sunday” joke. It’s really the only thing worse than forced sodomy. But what those early Sundays were great for was shit booze. A little hit of something cheap and sweet when you’re half-awake really goes well with a slice o’ Christ. To this day I still don’t mind hitting the sauce a little early on the Day of Rest. Today I choose something cheap and purple. A little something called Four Loko Uva.

According to the webshite, Four Loko Uva (a.k.a. headache in a can), is named after a Brazilian berry of the same name. I’m guessing the berry doesn’t also contain taurine, guarana, caffeine, and 12 % ABV though. Yep, this shit has all that peppy stuff blended right in, not only making the drinker asshole-loud, but not able to pass out. Great.





The Pour

That’s damn purple stuff. If it weren’t so highly carbonated I might be convinced it came out of Grimace. How much more purple could this be? And the answer is none. None more purple. It truly looks just like a glass of good ole’ store brand purple drink, from the fizzy slight head to the syrupy consistency. If I was a teenage I’d put it in a soda bottle to sneak into the school box socials, or whatever the fuck it is that kids do today.

The Aroma

When I was little, mom used to make me take a goddamn chewable vitamin every night before bed. Usually it was a cheap-o store brand that tasted like fruit-dipped asshole, but sometimes it was a Flintstones chewable. They tasted slightly less like fruit-dipped asshole, so it was a real treat. The red was the best, the purple was the worst. And when I took a whiff of Four Loko Uva I smelled Flintstones grape-dipped asshole. Shit. Behind that is the distinct twang of cheap alcohol. Slightly like the kind best reserved for cuts and bruises. Betty Ford would turn this down.

The Flavor

I hate when products call their flavor grape, or in this case compare it to grape, and it never tastes like grape. It always just tastes like purple. A weird saccharine sweet version of the fruit is what this product presents, with a noticeable aftertaste that lets you know it’s an energy drink. And the alcohol? Oh it’s there, starting a little campfire in your belly. Maybe making some s’mores. Settling in with its friends until it’s time to get tossed out like a hobo caught in a freight yard by a railroad dick. Not quite Robitussin, but not far off.

The Verdict

The devil isn’t red, he’s purple and fits in a can. This is the stuff you’d probably see shirtless guys at ICP concerts drink all day. You know the ones, they usually end up head butting a security guard or falling off of a stack of speakers. Seriously, my gut felt rough the next day after this one, so I recommend caution. It’ll hurt ya.

4/10

SnakePlissken wasn’t sure if butt-fucking was one word or simply hyphenated.

Your continued and sadistic abuse of your liver is an always welcome amusement to me. Excellent job sir.

I salute you for drinking this. I've drunk alot of horrible stuff over the years, and that sounds nasty.

You, sir........are a hero; sacrificing your liver for our entertainment.

"Four Loko Uva" sounds like some sort of exceptionally arcane sex act.

As always, fine entertainment for us at the cost of significant internal drama to you. Well done sir.

It means "magic whistling vomit berry" in Sandskrit.

It's no purple drank, that's for sure.

Toss in some promethazine and codeine, and you've got yourself one helluva sizzurp. Also, death.

I want to find the producers and punch them in the taint, then give them an enema of their own product.

The world needs more asshole-loud drunks incapable of passing out.

I think you meant dextromethorphan, holmes.

Burn.

You Northwesterners are so hip with the turbble wayz uf gettin splayed.

Thanks again, Snake. I've never heard of this vile shit before now and I've never felt less sad. At least it's not breaking your bank.

According to Wikipedia...

SPOILERS! (Click to view)

Finally I found a place I fit in.

As usual I had some lightweight stuff but I used to pit a mini shot of Jim beam in it, combined with the increased heart rate, the agitation of too much Caffeine along with Whiskey

The best part was the crash after.

Just make ice cubes with this:




If you're already drinking Sparks, drinking it over ice can't be that much worse.

Or start from scratch.

Oh my god.

of all the retarded shit to stop me: I couldn't find the correct flavors of pez. I should attempt this again.